


Forbidden Love

by roarlikeakitten



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2020-12-31 01:47:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 89,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21039545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roarlikeakitten/pseuds/roarlikeakitten
Summary: We all saw that Thorns vs Royals game. Sonny and ARod got into it, then Lindsey pushing Amy....Lindsey Horan and Emily Sonnett have been best friends for as long as either of them could remember. They play on the United States Women's National Team together and on the same league team together. They're inseparable. But what happens when one of them starts to have feelings for the other? Will those feelings be reciprocated?





	1. Game Day

The Portland Thorns were playing against the Utah Royals today. It was going to be a good game, both teams were on edge.

Lindsey was excited for the game. Her friends and fellow United States Women's National Team members Christen Press, Kelley O'Hara and Becky Sauerbrunn were on the Royals.

Her other USWNT members Tobin Heath, Emily Sonnett and Adrianna Franch played on the Portland Thorns with her.

Lindsey is really good friends with Tobin, they played on Paris Saint-Germain together after Lindsey got out of high school. Even though Tobin is 6 years older than her, the girls are still close, probably one of each other's best friends.

"Linds, are you ready to go?" she hears Tobin shout.

"Yeah, one sec!" Lindsey grabs her phone and bag from her room, meeting Tobin in the kitchen. The two girls live together, it's just easier when you live with someone on your team who also happens to be one of your best friends.

"Will you let Sonnett know we're on our way?" the older girls asks.

Lindsey nods and does what she asks.

_To Sonny_

_On our way, be ready or else Tobin will be annoyed_

_From Sonny_

_The old lady can take a chill pill, I'll be ready._

Lindsey rolls her eyes and chuckles at her friend.

No one knows this, not even Tobin, but Linds has a little crush on the girl. She has for about a year now. They've been through so much together and her feelings grew as time went on. She could never tell Emily because she didn't want to lose their friendship.

"Ready?" Tobin asks. Lindsey nods and lock their apartment, heading to Tobin's car.

"So, are you excited to play against Christen?" Lindsey asks, smirking.

"Oh shut up. We've played against each other before, it's not a big deal." Linds can see her friend start to blush.

"You are SO blushing right now!"

Tobin shakes her head. "We have a bet about who will win the game. The loser has to buy the other one dinner."

"Isn't that just like a regular date for you guys?" Lindsey asks confused.

Tobin shrugs, "I wanted to make it more sexual but Chris wouldn't let me."

"Ew ew! TMI! I didn't need to know that!" Tobin just laughs and the other girl covers her ears with her hands.

"We're all adults Linds, it isn't that big of a deal," Tobin says, rolling her eyes.

"I still didn't need to know," Lindsey mutters under her breath.

They pull up to Emily's apartment and Lindsey texts her other best friend, letting her know that they are here.

When Emily walks out with Hayley Raso, another one of their teammates, the two girls sitting in the car are surprised. "I thought....wait, what?" Lindsey tries to formulate a sentence but words can't seem to come out.

Emily opens the car door and gets in, Hayley scooting in after her. "Hey guys," the blonde says.

Tobin and Lindsey look back at them, confused.

Emily puts on her seatbelt before looking up and seeing her two friends giving her strange looks.

"Aren't we going to be late for practice?" she asks, not knowing why her friends are giving her such strange looks.

"O-oh yeah." Tobin puts the car in drive and they head to the stadium. Lindsey turns around in her seat and looks out the window.

She can hear the two girls whispering to each other in the back, Hayley says something she can't hear and Emily giggles.

Lindsey has this feeling inside of her chest and she can't figure out what it is. She doesn't like seeing Emily giggle and be close to someone else. Is it jealously?

No, it can't be. She doesn't like Emily like that. Right?....

When they get to the stadium, everyone gets out of the car. Hayley sees Ellie Carpenter and Caitlin Foord and runs over to them, leaving the three girls.

"What the hell was that?" Tobin is the first one to ask.

"What do you mean?" Sonnett asks, genuinely confused.

"Why did we pick her up this morning too?"

"Oh, yeah, um, she spent the night." Sonnett says, sheepishly.

"She what?" Lindsey asks.

Sonnett shrugs, looking at the ground. "It's not a big deal. It's happened before, this is just the first time that we also had practice the next day."

Lindsey doesn't like the thought of Raso having spent multiple nights at Emily's. She also doesn't like that her best friend didn't tell her.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Lindsey asks, defensively.

"I didn't know I needed to?"

"Damn Sonnett, getting some without us even knowing." Tobin chuckles and pushes her, giving her a hard time.

Sonnett just shrugs and blushes. "Whatever," she says, trying to not make a big deal about it.

Tobin looks to her best friend standing next to her. Lindsey has a glare on her face and is looking anywhere but Emily, clearly upset about something. Tobin reminds herself to ask Linds later why she is so upset.

The three of them walk into the stadium together. Tobin is asking Sonnett about Hayley but Lindsey just tunes them out, not wanting to hear about it.

When they get into the locker room, Tobin heads towards her locker and Lindsey and Sonnett head towards theirs.

Lindsey is quiet as they get ready for practice.

"You okay Linds?" Sonnett asks, worriedly.

Lindsey doesn't say anything for a minute. "How could you not tell me about you and Hayley? I thought we were best friends Sonny."

Emily looks at her friend before saying, "I'm sorry Linds but I didn't think that this was important. It's not like we're serious or anything, it's just physical. Plus I don't know how long it's going to last so I didn't think it was important telling you."

Lindsey doesn't say anything. Thinking about Emily and Hayley being physical makes her stomach hurt.

"I promise to tell you about all my future partners or anyone I'm seeing from now on okay?"

Lindsey can tell Sonnett feels bad for not telling her after Lindsey expressed her hurt. Linds just nods in return.

"Are we good now?" Emily asks hopefully.

"Yeah, we're good Sonny." Lindsey stands up and wraps her friend in a hug.

"Okay, good because I don't like it when you're upset with me." Sonnett says, returning the hug.

"You know I can never be upset with you for too long," she says, pushing her friend playfully.

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Emily says with a smile.

"Hey, are you guys done over there? It's time to go." Tobin yells from across the room.

The two girls roll their eyes and head over to where everyone else is lined up, ready to walk on the pitch.

As Lindsey gets in line by number order, her mind wanders back to why she was so upset to hear about Emily sleeping with someone. Her face immediately scrunches with disgust thinking about it. 'It's only because she's your best friend, nothing more,' she tries to tell herself.

When they start to walk out, she pushes the thoughts from her mind and focuses on the game ahead of them.

The game starts off like normal, intense, both teams playing their best, trying to score.

In the 35th minute, Becky Sauerbrunn scores with the assist from Christen Press. The crowd goes wild. This only pushes the Thorns to try harder.

Sonnett and Press are going 1v1 against each other and Sonnett grabs Press, taking her down. She knows she messed up because she sets her down lightly and pats her back.

Her eyes immediately find Tobin who is glaring at her. She mouths "Sorry!" to her. Tobin just shakes her head.

During half time in the locker room, Linds and Emily are talking. Emily has her back towards the door so she can't see Tobin coming, but when Lindsey's eyes go wide she turns around.

"Shit, shit," she mutters and hides behind her tall friend. "Lindsey protect me!"

"Hell no, you did this to yourself!"

Tobin stops in front of Lindsey. "Sonnett, what the hell was that? You took down my girlfriend! That was totally unnecessary!"

"I know, I know! I'm sorry T." She peaks her head around Lindsey, resting her chin on her friends shoulder. Lindsey's heart starts beating really fast, she hopes neither of her friends can hear it.

Tobin just shakes her head at Sonnett. Eventually she smiles. "You know I'm not going to hear the end of this, right?"

"I'll apologize later, I swear." Tobin gives her a look like 'You better'.

After half time is over, they get back on the field and the game continues. In the 76th minute, Emily takes down Amy Rodriguez, or ARod, as many people know her.

She was not expecting Amy's reaction to be what it was. Amy gets up and runs over to Sonnett. She gets in her face, and pushes her around. Vero comes running over and gets in between the two players.

Suddenly Lindsey is there, yelling at Amy. Tobin runs over and pushes Vero out of the way, telling her to move Amy and to calm down. Lots of people are now involved.

Emily is standing there with a scared look on her face. She was not expecting this reaction from Amy or anyone else.

The ref gives her a red card and she is forced to leave the game.

After Emily leaves the field and everyone is almost calm, Lindsey runs over to Amy and pushes her down on the ground in retaliation. Emily didn't see it but when everyone starts yelling she turns around.

Amy is walking towards Lindsey, yelling at her. Lindsey is motioning towards her, "Get up!"

Suddenly Lindsey is given a yellow card. Emily is confused by the altercation.

On the field, Tobin looks from Lindsey to Emily, and then back to Lindsey. That is when it all clicks.

Sadly Portland looses the game and everyone is a little disappointed. As they head into the locker room, Tobin pulls Lindsey aside.

"What the hell was that Linds?" Tobin whispers angrily.

"I don't know T! I was just pissed..."

Tobin raises her eyebrows questioningly. "First you get upset when she talks about Hayley and then you push Amy after she gets in Emily's face? Is something going on?"

"I don't fucking know, okay? I just, I didn't like the thought of her and Raso and then when I saw Amy push her I got defensive...." she trails off at the end.

"You like her Linds, don't you?" Tobin asks quietly.

Lindsey looks at the ground and shrugs.

Tobin's gaze immediately softens. "You do."

Lindsey nods her head before saying, "But I can't like her okay? She's been my best friend for years and this would just fuck things up. Plus it looks like she's happy with Raso so I can't mess that up either."

Tobin has no words for her friend. She knows that Lindsey doesn't want to jeopardize their friendship but she also knows that the longer she hides her feelings, the more they are going to grow.

She wraps her arm around the blondes shoulder, "We'll figure something out okay?"

Together they walk back into the locker room. Lindsey thinking about the way Sonnett makes her feel, and Tobin thinking about the shit show they are about to get into.


	2. Emotions

**Emily's POV**

After I got handed a red card I decided I didn't want to watch the rest of the game. I was going to shower when I heard the stands explode. I turned around to see Amy on the ground, with Lindsey standing above her.

'What the hell?' I think to myself. I didn't catch what happened but I see Linds get a yellow card and am immediately confused. Did she just push Amy down? Why the hell would she do that?

After the ref blows the whistle, the game starts again and I turn back around to head inside.

After I shower and change back into normal clothes, the game is over and the rest of the team is walking back inside. I'm looking for Linds and Tobin but can't seem to find them. Hayley walks over to her and my attention is now elsewhere.

"Hi," Hayley whispers as she wraps her arms around me.

"Hi yourself," my hands find her hips. This has become a normal position for us, her arms around me, my hands on her hips.

"Are you okay?" she asks worriedly.

I roll my eyes, "Yes, I'm fine. Nothing happened baby." I try to reassure her.

"I wouldn't say that...." she trails off.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

Lindsey and Tobin walk in together, deep in conversation. Their eyes find me and Lindsey immediately frowns.

"That is what I mean," Hayley nods towards my friend. "Did you see what she did? She pushed Amy!"

I shrug my shoulders. "So? She was just being a protective friend, Hayls, I would've done the same for her."

Hayley messes with my shirt, not making eye contact with me. "It looked like something more."

I lift her chin up. "You have nothing to worry about okay?" I reassure her.

She wraps me in a hug. "What is all this about babe? You never want to be cuddly in public?"

"I don't know, I just got jealous," she nuzzles into my chest further.

"Jealously looks good on you," I whisper in her ear. She looks up at me and blushes. "Go get your stuff and then we had head back to my place, okay?" She nods her head and walks back to her locker.

Lindsey walks over to me with a scowl on her face. "So are you guys, like a couple now?" she asks me.

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. Right now we're just having fun I guess."

Linds doesn't say anything. "Is something wrong?" I ask confused.

"I just, ugh, why didn't you tell me Sonnett?"

"You're still stuck on this Linds? I told you I was sorry, can we just move on please?"

Lindsey looks at the ground before looking at me and sighs. "Yeah, fine."

"Thank you," I let out with a huff.

"Me, Tobin, and Christen are going to order take out and watch a movie later, do you want to come over?"

This is our post-game routine. Usually it's just me, her, and Tobin but whenever Chris is free she joins too.

I shake my head, "I can't, sorry Linds."

She looks hurt, "What? Why? That's our tradition..."

Hayley walks up to me with her bag, "Ready to go?"

Lindsey looks from me to Hayley. "Oh okay, I get it. She's more important now, it's cool. Not like we wanted you there anyways."

Before I can say anything, she turns around and walks alway. I'm left standing there, speechless.

Lindsey had never said anything like that to me before, I don't know why that suddenly changed. Hayley looks at me, my mouth hanging wide open.

"Come on baby, let's go home." She grabs my arm and starts to pull me towards the door.

I shake my head, confused at my best friend's actions. Picking up my bag, I glance one more time towards Linds. She's deep in conversation with Tobin.

Tobin looks up at me, and sees me frowning. She looks from me to Hayley and then to the girl standing in front of her. Linds looks up at me and I just look away.

I don't know what came over her just now but I don't want to be around that negative energy.

I wrap my arm around Hayley's waist and we head out the door.

Caitlin and Ellie are giving us a ride back to my apartment. Hayley is best friends with the two of them so they're used to seeing us together, unlike my friends.

Luckily we asked them for a ride before the game. Riding back with Lindsey and Tobin would've been awkward right about now.

"So Sonnett, what was that whole red card situation about?" Ellie asks from the front seat.

"I don't know, I guess I just wasn't really thinking," I say and shrug.

"No, I mean Lindsey! She literally shoved Amy down on the ground!"

"Oh, yeah I'm not really sure. I didn't see and I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it....."

Hayley gives me a look. I roll my eyes. "But I'm sure she was just being a protective friend. I would've done the same for her," I say.

"Didn't seem like something a friend would do...." Caitlin trails off, looking at me in the rearview mirror.

"Why does everyone keep saying that? Me and Linds have been best friends for years, I'm sure that's what it was."

Hayley looks like she wants to say something more but I give her a pointed look. She gets my message and doesn't say anything.

When we get to my apartment, Ellie says, "You two have fun now," with a wink.

I roll my eyes and grab Hayley's hand, pulling her towards my door.

I manage to get my door unlocked before her lips attack my neck.

"Hayls, let me put my stuff down before you jump me babe," I throw my bag on the floor by the door.

"I just can't help myself," she says with a smirk.

"Shower?" I ask. She nods as we make our way to my bathroom, leaving a trail of clothes on the way.

After our shower activities, both of us are pretty worn out. I grab a big t-shirt for myself and one for Hayley.

"What do you want to eat?" I ask, digging through my drawer of take out menus.

"Personally, I'm not hungry right now, seeing as I just ate..." I turn to look at her, my eyes wide.

She laughs. "You're blushing babe," she says as she pokes my cheek.

"Well, yeah! You're so blunt!"

She rolls her eyes at me, "I get the job done, don't I?"

I set the menus down and walk over to her. She's leaning against the kitchen counter, with only my shirt on and a pair of underwear that barely cover her ass.

"Fuck the food," I say, walking towards her. She giggles as I grab her hips. "Up," I say, between kissing her.

She gets the message and jumps up, my hands holding her thighs as they wrap around my waist.

She kisses from my face to my jaw and then down my neck.

I kick my bedroom door open and she lets out a yell as I throw her down on the bed.

"Now, where were we....."

Later that night, as Hayley sleeps cuddled up next to me, I can't help but think of the day's events. 'Was Lindsey really being a protective friend? Or was it something more like everyone else is thinking?'

No, Lindsey doesn't like me. We've already established that. Especially after what happened last year, after that one game against Seattle..... She told me that she didn't feel the same way and that she only thought of me as a friend. So I moved on. I tried to push those feelings as far as I could out of my mind.

But what if.....


	3. History

**Emily's POV**

I think back to that night. I've thought through the events so many times, I can reenact every single detail.

_We were playing Seattle and the game had been a tough one, neck and neck the entire time. We were tied, 1-1 with 2 minutes left. The ball somehow ends up at my feet and I run it towards Seattle's keeper, Casey Murphy. I see two of their defenders surrounding me and I know I can't make it past them. _

_I look up and make eye contact with Linds. She_ _nods and I know what to do. I shoot the ball to her, past their defenders and she hits it at just the right time to send it sailing into the back of their net. _

_The stands erupt into cheers as I run towards my best friend. I jump up to hug her and she catches me. Soon we are surrounded by our teammates, everyone excited by the goal. _

_I don't remember what happened in the remaining time, it didn't end up mattering anyways. _

_After the game is over, we are all cheering in the locker room, pumped about our win._ _"We should celebrate tonight!" Tobin yells. Me and Lindsey look at each other. I shrug my shoulders, "Sure, why not?" _

_Back at the hotel, me and my best friend are rooming together, like we always do. Both of us still buzzing about the game as we pick out what we are going to wear. _

_"I only brought this dress, do you think it'll be okay?" I ask my roommate, holding up what shouldn't even be considered a dress but a scrap of black material. _

_"Damn Sonnett, what the hell? I would never expect that from you!" Her eyes are wide._

_I shrug my shoulders and say "It's new," looking at the ground. I know I'm blushing because I can feel my cheeks getting hot. _

_I quickly go into the bathroom to change. I had never worn this dress before, plus I was a little nervous wearing something so unlike my normal style._

_When I step out of the bathroom, Linds is sitting on the bed looking at her phone. When she hears me come out she immediately looks up. Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open. "Sonnett, holy fuck. You look SO good!" _

_When she stands up I can see her dress fully. "Linds you look HOT too!" She's wearing a tight red dress that outlines her figure with bright red lipstick._

_She does a little twirl, "Thank you, thank you," and laughs. _

_Before either of us can say anything else, someone knocks on our door. "I'll get it," I say, I'm standing closer to the door._

_I open it and Tobin is standing on the other side. She looks at my outfit at her jaw drops. "I didn't know we were going that fancy, damn girl. You look good!" _

_She looks around me and sees Lindsey standing there,"You too! Geez, you two are going to make the rest of us look like garbage," and chuckles._

_I shake my head. "We could never make you look like garbage T, you do that on your own." _

_She just rolls her eyes and walks inside. _

_"Let me go to the bathroom and then I'll be ready," Lindsey says. _

_As soon as she shuts the door, Tobin turns to me. "She looks really good, don't you think?" _

_I only nod my head. I can't seem to say anything more about the subject._

_"I know you didn't want me saying anything, and I haven't, but I think she might, ya know, feel the same way." _

_My head shoots up. _

_I had told Tobin a few months ago that I might have a tiny crush on my best friend. We were at the time living together, we had been for almost a year. At first I thought it was just friendship-type of feelings, but they soon grew to more than that. _

_But I could never tell her that. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, it was too special to me. _

_Tobin had picked up on my feelings without me even having to say anything. When she confronted me, I was worried I was being too obvious. But she said she could see it in the way I acted around her when we were alone, not in front of the team._

_When she asked me, I just let it all out. I had been hiding it for a few months by then and it was eating me alive. I had to tell someone. So she had become my confidant, my outlet. _

_Tobin was one of Lindsey's best friends too, so she saw both our perspectives. I made her promise not to say anything, but if she thought Lindsey might have the teeniest feelings, she said she would tell me. _

_Fast forward and here we are, sitting in our hotel room._

_"W-what do you mean?" I ask._

_"Just the way that she's been looking at you, the way she talks about you. Ya know, that sort of stuff." _

_"I-I don't think so T." There is no way Linds can feel the same. _

_We hear the bathroom door open and our conversation is over. When she walks out, my heart stops. She is honestly so breathtaking. _

_"Are you guys ready?" Linds grabs her purse and looks at us. We both nod our heads and walk towards the door. _

_She grabs my arm and loops hers through mine as we walk to the elevator. I try not to let it show how much her touch is affecting me. We went get in the elevator, she pulls out her phone. "Everyone pose," she says. I cross my arms, giving a serious look and Tobin flexes her muscles. Lindsey leans over and kisses my cheek. Before I can say anything, the flash goes off, the reflection capturing the moment. _

_Tobin sees my flustered face as Lindsey mutters "So cute," looking at the picture. T raises her eyebrows at me but t_ _he doors open and we walk out, Lindsey grabbing my arm again. _

_The ride to the club is uneventful, except Lindsey's legs are pushed against mine in the back seat and she is resting her head on my shoulder. I try not to think anything about it, 'This is what normal best friends do,' I tell myself._

_When we get to the club, our other teammates are already inside. Hayley, Caitlin, Ellie, Britt, Kelli and a few others. They had already started drinking so Lindsey pulls me to the bar and yells that we better catch up._

_One drink turns into two, two turns into three and four hours later, I can't remember how many drinks I've had. We've danced so much that Lindsey took off her shoes in the first hour. She had been a little more touchy than usual tonight, putting her hands on my waist or on my leg when we sat down. I tried not to think anything of it, telling myself it was just the alcohol._

_A little while later, a few people have turned in but most of us are still going strong. _ _Lindsey is sitting next to me in the booth, Tobin sitting across from us. Me and Tobin had been talking for a few minutes before I notice Linds had been awfully quiet. I look over and see her passed out. _

_"I think it's time we head home," I say to Tobin. _

_"I think I'll head out with you, help get her in bed." _

_I nod my head and reach for my sleeping friend. "Linds, Linds, it's time to head home." I shake her gently. She opens her eyes and immediately doesn't like the bright flashing strobe lights in the club. _

_"I'm too tired," she mumbles. _

_"I know, that's why we're going home." I go to help her stand up and she stumbles into me. _

_I catch her and hold her steady. "You need to at least open your eyes okay?" _

_She sleepily opens her eyes and nods._

_Thankfully we make it back to the hotel without any casualties or accidents. She seems to have gotten more energy by the time we get to our room, still drunk a tiny bit._

_"You got it?" Tobin asks me after I open the door. Lindsey walks in, throwing her shoes on the ground. I look from her to T, "Yeah, I think we're okay."_

_"Call me if you need anything," she says._

_I nod my head before walking into our room. I lock the door and turn back around to see Lindsey with her dress on the ground, only in her underwear and bra. _

_"Woah, okay there Linds. Do you want to finish changing in the bathroom?" I cover my eyes, trying to not look at her standing there almost naked in front of me._

_"Why won't you look at me?" she says. I can hear the pout in her voice, I know her too damn well._

_"U-um because you're changing." I try to come up with an answer and pull that out of nowhere._

_She's quiet. I'm still covering my eyes but I can feel her move across the room. She stands right in front of me and I hate that I can feel the electricity running through me when she's not even touching me._

_She moves my hands from my face. "You can look at me Em," she says quietly. Lindsey is the only person that calls me Em, and whenever I hear it leave her lips, my heart skips._

_I know that I shouldn't look at her. I know that I should turn around and tell her to cover herself up, but I had been drinking too. _

_So I look at her. I look at her the top of her hair, to the lace on her bra, to the tiny piece of material that she's wearing as underwear, to the color her toes are painted. _

_When my eyes meet hers again, she's biting her lip. "You know, that thing you call a dress? It doesn't even begin to cover your ass."_

_I raise my eyebrows. 'So she was looking at my ass,' I think to myself. _

_She presses her lips to my ear and whispers, "I think it's time it came off."_

Hayley curls up closer to me in her sleep and I'm brought back to the present. 'Fuck,' I think to myself. 

That was a year ago. After that.....well Lindsey woke up the next morning and freaked out, completely flipping shit. 

She said it was a mistake, that it was never supposed to happen, that we couldn't tell anyone. She said she was drunk and regretted it. I on the other hand, was silent. 

She had already decided how she was going to respond, and I knew that I couldn't tell her the truth. That last night had been the best night of my life, not even the sex part, just laying in bed, cuddling with her afterwards. 

She didn't speak to me for the entire bus ride to the airport or the plane ride, or even the drive back to our shared apartment. 

I decided the next day that I needed to move out. My mental health couldn't take it, and I needed to put myself first. She tried to stop me at, but I told her that I needed this, and she couldn't change my mind. 

That week we barely talked, the entire team could tell something was off between us. Normally we were so silly, making everyone laugh. We went from that to barely looking at each other. 

Some people on the team asked why I moved so suddenly and I told them that I needed more time to myself, everyone bought it, we basically spend every single second with each other, except for Tobin. She asked if something happened and I told her no. That I just needed my own personal space, to myself, away from the girl I desperately liked. She understood and supported me in my decision.

Finally, exactly one week later, Lindsey texted me, saying that she missed living with me, missed talking to me, missed our daily shenanigans. 

She asked if we could just forget what happened, pretend that those events didn't take place, and move on. Leave it in Seattle, in a locked box, and throw away the key.

It broke my heart having to come to this. But I loved her too much to loose her friendship, so I agreed. 

I haven't told a single soul since then. We haven't spoken about it, brought it up, or anything. I moved on, I'm with Hayley now. I'm happy with her, she makes me smile and laugh, and cares for me in a way I didn't know anyone could. 

Lindsey is my friend, my best friend, but that is all we will ever be. 


	4. Uncertainty

**Lindsey's POV**

Christen and Tobin are sitting on the couch together under a blanket while I sit on the other sofa, by myself. The spot next to me is usually taken by another blonde headed girl, but not tonight.

"Wait, so why didn't she want to hangout tonight?" Christen asks, confused.

I roll my eyes. "She's with Hayley," I try not to sound menacing, but the sentence comes out with so much hatred. 

"Hayley? As in Hayley Raso? I didn't even know they were that good of friends." 

"Well I don't think they are that those types of friends babe," Tobin says with a smirk.

"Oh," Christen's mouth forms an 'o'. 

"I can't believe she's sleeping around like that, what's gotten into her?" I shake my head, disappointed in my friend.

"I don't think she's "sleeping around" with her, it seems like they are in a relationship of some sort." 

"Oh they'd be so cute together, don't you think?" Christen says looking at Tobin with a dreamy look in her eyes. 

"Uh, no." I say without even giving it a second thought.

"Linds, what do you have against Hayley? You've liked her up until you found out about her and Sonnett this morning," my teammate asks me, wrapping her arm around her girlfriend. 

"I don't know.... I feel like she's just going to use Emily and then leave. She doesn't even know her, how can she make her happy?" 

"You don't know that. Plus, it seemed to me like they've been a thing for a little while by now," Tobin shrugs.

"Well, she's just not right for her," I huff. 

"How do you know she's not right for her? You've only seen them together twice." Tobin rolls her eyes.

"I just don't like it." I don't want to talk about this any more so I stand up and head to the kitchen. I set my plate down in the sink and sigh. 

Tobin walks in behind me. "So....what's going on here Linds, because clearly you’re upset about this situation." 

"I-I don't know. I mean I've kind of felt something for Em for a little while, I wasn't going to say anything or act on it because she wasn't seeing anyone, so I didn't need to worry. But seeing her with Hayley.... I didn't know why it hurt so much but then it clicked. I guess I had been denying it to myself for a little while...."

"How long is 'a little while' Linds?" 

I look down at my hands. "Um well...maybe a few months maybe?" I look at her sheepishly. 

"A few months? Why didn't you say anything to me? You know I'm always here to talk. You don't have to keep something like that in." 

"It started out slow, ya know? We were best friends, we did everything together and spent so much time together. Then she moved out, that's probably when I first started having feelings for her. I missed her so much and I thought I was just missing my best friend, but I guess I was really missing the person that I wanted to be with." 

I think to myself, 'should I tell her what happened that night in Seattle....' Before I can decide she asks me "Yeah what happened there? She moved out so suddenly, it was kind of weird." 

**Tobin's POV**

I knew why Emily moved out. Or well I knew what she told me. That she just needed her own space to be herself, but it always seemed like something else was missing. I just didn't know what Emily told Lindsey. 

I see best friend hesitate. I knew that there's something she isn't telling me. 

"Well....I mean, I think I probably know why she really moved out...."

I wait for her to go on. 

"Um, something happened in Seattle. Do you remember that game when I got the winning goal with Em's assist and we went out that night?"

I do remember that night. I told Emily that I thought Lindsey might've liked her back. I asked Emily is she could handle getting Lindsey settled in for bed by herself after we got back to the hotel. She said yes. 

I nod my head.

"We were both drunk, I mean everyone was but we were too. And when we got back to the hotel room-"

"You kissed?" I knew they had to have kissed. That would make everything make sense now.

But when Lindsey shakes her head I'm immediately confused.

"We....we ending up sleeping together." She whispers the last part so I'm not sure if I hear her or not. 

"Wait what?" I ask.

"We ended up having sex okay!" She shouted the last part. When she realizes how loud she said the sentence her face turns bright red. I wasn't expecting that so I don't know what to say. 

"And then the next morning, I-I freaked out. I told her that it was a mistake and I was drunk, a-and that we couldn't tell anyone and that it had to be kept as a secret. I was so confused and I had so many emotions, and when I told her that we had to forget it, she looked so hurt. So hurt. So I knew it had meant something to her, and I wasn't ready to admit anything, so I pretended that it didn't mean anything to me. We didn't talk the entire trip back home, we both needed time with our emotions. Then the next day she told me she was moving out. 

I think she wanted me to beg her not to go, to tell her how I really felt and convince her not to go. I mean I asked her to stay and asked if she was sure this is what she wanted, and she said yes. So I let her go. The next week I kept my distance from her, I had to keep telling myself that it was nothing, that I had to move past it. I think she was waiting for me to talk to her, since I was the one that decided we were going to pretend it didn't happen, she gave me space for about a week. Then finally I couldn't take not talking to her. I asked if we could go back to normal and she said yes." Lindsey has a troubled look on her face.

"Linds, that was like, a year ago, isn't that a little longer than a few months?" I ask.

"I-I just didn't know what to do. And then today, seeing her with Hayley hurt. I was blaming being upset on her not telling me, but really it was seeing her with someone else. And then when Amy got in her face, I was pissed. I didn't like how she was treating Em, I guess I just got protective or something...." 

I just nod my head, "Yeah, she had such a scared look on her face. I got a little protective too." I scratch the back of my head.

"Dude, you shoved Vero AND yelled at Amy! A 'little' protective?" She laughs. 

"Hey, you did the exact same!" I push her playingly. We both chuckle and then we're both quiet.

"What are you going to do now?" I honestly don't know how Linds is going to respond to the question. Personally, I would wait. Emily seems genuinely happy with Hayley and I haven't seen her like that in a while. And it seems like she has moved on, Lindsey telling her would only cause stress in her relationship. 

She pauses, "I mean, in Seattle I thought she might've had feelings for me. It sure seemed like she did, but now, I don't know if they are still there. If I tell her and she doesn't feel the same way, then it'll just be weird between us, right?"

I don't know if I should tell her that I knew Emily liked her then. I feel like she might not have the best reaction.....so I decide to not say anything. Emily asked me not to say anything then so I don't think she'd want me to say anything now. I just wish I knew that 

She sighs, "I just don't know what to do T," she says. 

**Lindsey's POV**

The weight of holding that secret in has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm glad that I've finally told Tobin, I wasn't sure how she would react. I thought she would be mad at me or something.

"I want her to be happy, but just, seeing her with Hayley, it really hurts." 

Tobin is quiet and I can tell that she is trying to come up with a plan. 

"I think for now, you should just support her and be there for her, especially if she does end up dating Hayley, she's going to need a friend she can talk to about things."

I sigh. "I don't know if I can sit through her talking to me about Hayley. It might hurt too much..." I can feel myself start to tear up. 

Tobin can see the wetness in my eyes and comes to hug me. "We'll take it one day at a time, okay?" I nod my head and hug her back.

When she says, "We'll get through this," I try to tell myself the same thing. That I will get through this and be there for my best friend at the same time. Even if it breaks me. 


	5. Maybe it's time to admit it?

**Lindsey's POV**

My head is pounding when I open my eyes, the sun shining bright through my open blinds. I lift my hand to block the light. My entire body feels heavy. 

I hear a knock on my door. "Yeah?" 

Christen pokes her head in. "Hey there sleepy head, Tobin is making avocado toast, do you want some?" She smiles at me. 

I nod my head. "Hey, uh what happened last night?" I ask her.

She smirks, "You and Toby might've gotten drunk," she shrugs her shoulders. 

I throw my head back on my pillow. "That would make sense." 

She chuckles before closing the door softly. I sigh and decide to get up. I look for my phone and find it under my bed. I was hoping for a text from a certain blonde, but then I remember what I said to her before she left the stadium. 

"Ugh," I say softly. I know that I need to apologize but I'm not ready to just yet. I toss my phone on my bed, deciding that I don't want to think about that right now. 

When I walk into the kitchen I see Christen and Tobin sitting at the bar eating. Tobin looks up when she hears me walk in. "I made you some toast," she says, flicking her head towards a plate sitting next to her. 

"Thanks T," I say pulling out the bar stool and sitting down slowly. She hums as she eats her breakfast. 

We're eating quietly before Christen speaks up. "So do you want to tell me why you both decided to get plastered last night?"

Tobin looks at me. I know she isn't going to tell Christen that I have feelings for Emily so she's looking at me to come up with an excuse. I set my toast down, thinking about whether or not I want to tell Christen the truth. I know I can trust her so I decide with the later. 

"I like Emily. And after finding out she's sleeping with Hayley I got upset and Tobin picked up on my feelings and we talked about it and I admitted that I liked her and that I've liked her since we slept together last year in Seattle when we were both drunk and the next morning I freaked out and that's why she moved out and Tobin and I live together." I'm looking down at my plate, so when I look up, Tobin's eyebrows were raised and Christen looked shocked.

"Dang Linds, take a breath," Tobin chuckles. 

"Um, well, okay then." Christen nods her head slowly.

"Yeah, I like Emily." I say it a second time as more of a reaffirmation for myself. 

Christen looks at Tobin who shrugs, not knowing what to say. Christen looks at me again, she reaches for my hand, "I won't say anything." 

"I know you won't." 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

I shake my head no and chuckle. "Why do you think I got drunk last night?" 

Tobin snorts and rolls her eyes. "Have you heard from her at least? We should all hangout today." Christen nods excitedly.

I scratch the back of my head, "Uh, I think she might be mad at me...." 

"What? Why?" 

"I might've possibly gotten mad that she went with Hayley last night and said we didn't actually want her here...." 

"Lindsey! What the heck? Now she's going to think all of us are mad at her," Tobin says aggravated. 

"I-I was just hurt that she would choose Hayley over us," I say quietly, looking down at my barely eaten avocado toast. Tobin sighs. "Linds, she isn't choosing Hayley over us. She's just doing something different right now." 

I know that Tobin is right and that was I said was out of anger and shock. "I know, I know, I need to apologize, but right now I just need some time," I huff. 

Tobin nods, looking at Christen. "We're probably going to go to the farmer's market downtown after this, do you want to come?" Chris picks up her plate along with Tobin's and puts them in the sink. 

"Nah, I'm okay. I'll probably just stay here and chill." Christen looks at Tobin, trying to get her to convince me to come. Tobin shrugs, knowing that she isn't going to be able to change my mind. 

"Okay, fine," Christen says, holding up her hands in defeat. "I'm going to go change and then I'll be ready," she gives her girlfriend a look. I roll my eyes, knowing that Tobin is about to ask me if I'm really okay. 

"I am fine T, really." I beat her to the punch. She has a sad look on her face. 

"You know I care about you Linds, I just want to make sure you're alright." I roll my eyes but inside, my heart is full because this girl right here is the sister I never had. She stands up and walks out of the kitchen, leaving me to my thoughts.

I finish my avocado toast and go back to the safety of my own room. I curl up under my comforter and go on Twitter. I see all the memes from last night's game and laugh. Some of them are really funny. Emily's face looks so scared and that just reminds me of how angry I was at ARod. I didn't even have to think before getting in her and Em. I wasn't going to let anyone hurt her. 

I scroll through Twitter a little longer until Tobin pokes her head in my room, "We're headed out Linds, call us if you need anything." I nod, "Have fun." She looks at me with pity, "You should do something too, instead of staying in bed on your phone. Maybe take a walk or something." I just roll my eyes. She chuckles, "Bye." 

I scroll through Twitter some more, seeing more pictures from the game. I see some of me and Ellie, Ellie and Caitlin, and then I freeze when I see Emily and Hayley together. Emily is laughing, the laugh where her head is thrown back and her eyes are closed. I know that's her real laugh, the one when she ends up snorting, making her laugh more. Hayley is smiling too, looking at Emily. They look happy. 

Honestly I don't know how I didn't see this earlier. I mean yeah I've been hanging out with Cait and Ellie more but I didn't think that would affect my relationship with Sonny. 'Did I do this to myself?' I get out of Twitter and pull up Em's Instagram. Her last picture is of her, Mal and Kelley throwing the first pitch. 'Okay, so not Instagram official' I think to myself. I scroll through more of her pictures and notice that Hayley's been commenting on them. Saying cutie or hearts, stuff like that. To anyone else it would seem like a friendly thing, but I see now that it was more than that. 

I let out a frustrated groan. I know looking at this is only going to make me feel worse. 

I spend the rest of the day bundled up, watching Grey's Anatomy. Tobin and Christen came home and I hadn't moved since they left. Tobin walks into my room without bothering to knock. "Hey Linds," I pause my show. 

"What's up?" 

"So...we saw Emily at the farmer's market." 

I raise my eyebrows, "Why on earth would Em be at a farmer's market? That girl doesn't even know what vegetables are." 

"She was there with Hayley...." 

"Oh." 

Tobin nods, "I uh talked to her. She said she was really confused as to why you were acting the way you were. And that you hurt her feelings after the game...." I cover my face with my pillow.

Tobin sighs and tries to pull the pillow off my face. "Just talk to her. She's your best friend. And she misses you." 

"I-I just don't know how to act whenever she's going to talk about Hayley or leave me to be with Hayley. I don't want to see them together...." 

"Well, I don't think you should just stop being friends with her because she now has a girlfriend. You two are too good of friends for that. She's not going to stop hanging out with you, she isn't the type to ditch her friends for a girl. Just....maybe take it day by day. I know that your feelings for her are strong but I think you would miss her more if you just cut her out of your life. Plus I don't think either of you would survive that. You know what happened last time." 

I nod. I know she's right. Em would never ditch me or stop hanging out with her friends because she was in a relationship. I grab my phone, trying to figure out how I'm going to apologize to best friend that I also happen to possibly be in love with. 


	6. Pillow Talk

**Emily's POV**

Hayley thought that going to the farmer's market would be fun, I was less enthusiastic. But she begged me to go, giving me her puppy dog face which she knows is my weakness.

So that is how Hayley and I ended up walking down the isle of booths. She's keeps "oohing" and "awwing" at different things, running up to get a closer look at whatever is being sold. Seeing her excited brings a smile to my face.

"Babe, you have to see this!" she looks over her shoulder, motioning me to come closer. I chuckle, already knowing that whatever it is will be something I find significantly less interesting. I walk over and see her looking at different homemade soaps with flower petals pressed in. She's holding up a purple one labeled "Lavender."

"Smell this," she hands me the soap. I smell it and nod, the soap not really doing anything for me but I tell her it smells good anyways. "I think I'm going to get one," she says. I nod as she reaches for her wallet.

I'm holding the soap for her when I hear "Sonnett?"

I turn around and see Christen and Tobin looking at me. I wave at them and give Hayls back the soap, "I'm going to say hi real quick." She nods her head.

"Hey guys!" I say walking over to them. I give Chris a small hug and Tobin does the bro handshake with me.

"What are you doing here? We've never seen you at one of these farmer's markets before." Chris asks, curious.

I nod my head towards Hayley's direction. "She wanted to come so I tagged along."

"Oh," she nods. "Do you guys want to eat lunch with us? We have a favorite booth that has the best sandwiches!"

I am a little hungry and a sandwich does sound good right now. "I think we're almost done and I am a little hungry," I laugh. "Let me asks Hayls." Tobin's eyebrows raise at the mention of Hayley's nickname. I walk back over to where Hayley is talking with the booth owner.

"Hey babe, do you want to go eat with Christen and T? I think they're getting sandwiches at one of the other booths." I reach for her bag, taking it from her so she doesn't have to carry it.

She nods and smiles. She says thank you to the booth owner and we head over to the other girls. Christen smiles when she sees us walking back over.

Christen greets Hayley excitedly. I don't think Christen and Hayley have really hung out before, only playing against each other on the pitch.

"Did you guys meet here or something?"

"Uh, no. We came together." I'm not sure why Chris is asking me this. Is she trying to figure out if she slept over or something?

"Oh." Her eyes widen.

Hayley looks at me sheepishly, not knowing what to say. Luckily Tobin jumps in to save us, "So why don't we head that way?" I nod, thankful that we can move on from this conversation. Tobin and Christen walk in front of us, leading the way, me and Hayley following behind them.

Tobin and Chris are holding hands, being all couple-y. I look at Hayley, I want to grab her hand but we haven't really talked about what we are or what we're comfortable with in public. I think she could feel me looking at her because she turns to me.

"What's up?" she whispers. I shake my head, "Nothing," and smile. We get to the sandwich booth and Chris starts to tell us what she really likes and what she's tried. We get in line, luckily it's not too long but I know we'll have to wait a few minutes. Hayley is turned, facing me and my arms automatically go around her.

Tobin stops her conversation with her girlfriend mid-sentence, watching our interaction. I blush and look down at Hayley. She has a confused look on her face until she sees Tobin watching us. She takes a step back and coughs awkwardly.

T realizes she has been staring and looks back at Chris. Neither of them really know what to do.

"Next!"

We all jump at the loud voice, it seems as though in the moment we forget we were in line, and apparently up next. I push Hayley forward, "Do you know what you want?" I ask. She orders first and then I go after her, paying for both our meals. The cashier hands up a number and says that they will call our number when our food is ready.

"We're going to go try and find a table," I tell Chris and Tobin. I turn around before either of them could say anything. Me and Hayley find a picnic table quickly and sit down, both of us quiet. "Uh, so," neither of us really know what to say. I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear nervously.

"Do you want to talk about this now or later...." she trails off. I look back over at my friends who are ordering. "I don't think we'd get much time to talk about is, and I don't want to rush the conversation. Maybe later?" my voice going higher as I finish the question. I'm nervous. I don't know what Hayley is going to say or what she wants. But she nods and gives me a small smile.

Tobin plops down on the other side of the picnic table, Christen sitting down next to her. "Sooo, are you guys excited for your next game?" I chuckle. Of course we're talking about soccer, it's pretty much the only thing that we ever talk about.

We all jump into the conversation, happy about the common ground we all share. We discuss the game for a few minutes before I hear our number called, followed quickly by Tobin's. Hayley goes to stand up, but I gently stop her saying, "I'll get it." She smiles and sits back down. Tobin stands up to get her's and Christen's food. We walk over slowly, neither of us saying anything.

I sigh. "How's Lindsey?" Tobin's not surprised by my question, she knew this was coming.

"She's....okay." Tobin pauses before continuing. "She told us what she said yesterday after the game. She didn't mean it Son, her feelings were just hurt." I let out a frustrated groan.

"Why? I literally didn't do anything. She has been acting weird ever since you picked up me and Hayley before the game. And then she was weird in the locker room before the game. And then she PUSHED Amy, like what the hell was that? And then after the game too? She had been acting off all day and I was the only one she was taking it out on. And then she said she didn't even want me there after the game....that hurt me the most."

Honestly, Linds had really hurt me by saying that. I just couldn't figure out why she had been off all day. It was throwing a wrench in our friendship and I didn't like it.

"She told me." Tobin says quietly.

"Told you what?"

"About what happened in Seattle." My heart stops and my head snaps to her.

"W-what?" Tobin nods.

"She started acting weird after we picked you up....and _Hayley _was there....She got upset that you weren't hanging out with us, going home with _Hayley_ instead.....maybe connect the dots a little Son." Tobin looks at me sadly.

"Come on kid, our food is probably cold by now." She grabs her's and Christen's plate as I reach for mine and Hayley's. My mind is going a mile a minute. Lindsey....Hayley.....Lindsey acting weird ever since she saw me with Hayley.....

When we get back to the picnic table, I eat my food quietly. Everyone can tell my mood has shifted, Christen takes to carrying most of the conversation, thankfully.

We decide to head home afterwards, as I say bye to Tobin, Chris pulls Hayley in for a hug. "Just..think about it okay? If you want to talk I'm here." I hear Tobin whisper in my ear and I nod, thankful for my friend.

Chris hugs me tightly, "Bye Emily." I give her a small smile. I love Christen to death, ever since her and Tobin had started dating she's fit in perfectly with our group. Me and Hayley walk back to my car quietly. We're silent for the short ride back to my apartment.

I open my front door slowly. Neither of us are throwing our clothes off this time.

"I'm-"

"I think-"

We both look at each other. "You go first," I say.

"I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship right now....I mean I enjoy spending time with you and the sex is amazing, but I don't think I want more than that right now."

"Wait, what?"

She looks down at her hands. "I don't want a relationship right now..."

"Then what the hell have we been doing Hayley? Were you ever going to tell me that you didn't want that? You've stayed over at my house more this month than you have at your own." I run my hands through my hair. I feel like this came out of nowhere. We were good, happy. Everything was going great.

But then I remember what Tobin said about Lindsey. She was jealous I was with Hayley. She didn't like seeing me with someone. Does that mean she like's me? My heart suddenly flutters at the idea of Lindsey having feelings me. Every emotion and hope I tried to push down and forget starts to creep up on me again.

Hayley's voice brings me back to the present. "I'm sorry Emily....I really am." I know she's sorry, but I also know that I didn't see this being a longterm thing with Hayley, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I pull her in for a hug, "I know you are Hayls." She wraps her arms around my torso.

This time when I'm holding her, the hug just feels different. Not intimate, just friendly in a sort of way. When she pulls away, we just look at each other.

"You know what I am going to miss?" she hums quietly.

"What's that?"

"The sex," she says with a smirk. I laugh out loud.

"I mean we can still do that part...." I raise my eyebrows suggestively.

"For real?" she asks surprised.

I weigh the options in my head. No relationship, just sex. Sex with Hayley, not with Lindsey. I feel like this is a bad idea, being friends with benefits but it also seems like it might be something to take my mind off Lindsey for a while. I answer by sliding my hands up from her hips to her rib cage. She reaches for the rest of her shirt smirking at me.   
  
  


And we're back to doing what we do best. Only this time, I'm trying to push the image of a certain blonde out of my head and focus on the brunette underneath me moaning my name. I close my eyes and the image of Lindsey spread out on the hotel room bed, panting, a squirming mess pops in my head. She's moving her hips to meet my fingers, working in and out of her. Except when I hear her moan my name, it's Hayley's voice, not Lindsey's and I'm brought back to the present. She moans my name one more time and I roll off of her, both of us breathing heavily.

Usually after our "activities" I can't help keep the smirk off my face, but right now, my face is neutral. I throw my arm over my eyes. I hate that when I was finally starting to get over Lindsey, she sees me with someone else and finally admits her feelings. Well, I don't even know if she did that. I just know that Tobin is suggesting that she didn't like seeing me with Hayley. A jealous Lindsey, who would have thought.....an idea pops in my head and I sit up like someone electrocuted me.

"What?" Hayley asks, concerned.

I'm hesitant. I don't know how she'll take to my idea, it's something I wouldn't normally ever do....

"I-I need your help with something...."

"Okaaay?" she raises her eyebrows questioningly.

"I-I want to make someone jealous...." I look down at the comforter, maybe ashamed of what I just admitted? I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I want to see how a certain someone would react to seeing me, with someone.

"So...you want to use me, to make someone else jealous?" she tilts her head, trying to make sure she understands. I nod.

"Two things. One: who is it you want to make jealous? And two: what do I get in return?"

"Lindsey. I want to make Lindsey jealous." Hayley rolls her eyes. "I fucking knew something was going on between you two!"

"There's nothing going on per-say...just somethings that are suddenly coming up again too little, too late."

Hayley's quiet for a moment. "You used to like her?" she asks questioningly.

I fall back against the bed. "I used to love her. And I think she knew."

"Damn...that's rough." I only nod.

"Okay, I'll do it. I'll help you make Lindsey jealous." My eyes shoot open, "Really?"

She nods, I didn't think she would actually go along with my plan. "Yeah Son. I care about you a lot, we've gotten really close, and I don't like that she did that to you....But," she says firmly, "what do I get in return?"

I have to think about this for a second. I mean, she has her own house so I can't offer her to stay at mine, I'm a shitty cook so I can't cook for her.....

"Me. You get me. Anyway you want me, any time, any place."

"Wait, you mean sex right?" she asks.

"Yes," I chuckle. I thoroughly enjoy the sex with Hayley, she's good at it and by the state of her moaning my name, so am I. And it wouldn't be bad to let out all of my pent up energy into some physical activity.

She thinks about it for a minute before saying yes. "Okay, let's do this thing."

Before I can respond, my phone dings, alerting me that I got a text message. I reach for my phone on the nightstand next to Hayley. She slaps my butt as I lean over her, laughing. I roll my eyes and jokingly glare at her.

_From Linds_

_Hey Son...I'm sorry I was a bitch yesterday, I just felt like you were replacing me with Hayley. I know that's not how it really is. I just don't like you being with her, I feel like she's not right for you. I don't want her to use you...Ugh I just hate when we aren't talking. Can we please get coffee later?_

I sit up, reading it. "What's up?" Hayley asks.

"Lindsey texted me, here you can read what she said." I hand her my phone.

She reads the message out loud, laughing when she gets to the "I don't want her to use you" part. It's ironic actually, because I'm the one using her.

"I think you should go get coffee with her, just try to be normal and gauge her reaction. No one needs to know that we aren't actually dating, we can just keep up the image." I nod.

"But first" she opens up my Snapchat.

"What are you doing?! We're naked!"

She smirks, "Exactly."

"Ah, I get it. Post a pic that looks causal but is 'accidentally' letting everyone know that we're naked. I gotcha I gotcha."

She pushes me back on the bed, coming to rest her head on the crook of my neck. "Here take the picture, but pull the sheet up so it's covering our chest but showing that we don't have a shirt on." I try to do what she wants but she finally pulls the sheet up herself, laughing at me.

"Okay now take the pic." I snap the picture. She's got her head nuzzled into my neck with her eyes closed. My head is resting on hers, I'm smiling and my eyes are closed too. The picture actually looks cute, and you can totally tell we don't have clothes on. 

I contemplate posting it. My story is only my actual friends, not my public Snapchat that anyone can see. If I do this, then my friends will know that I'm "with" Hayley. But only we'll know the truth. I go ahead and post it.

Hayley climbs out of bed, "I think I'm going to head out." She starts picking up her clothes, strewn across my bedroom. I get up too and stretch. My phone buzzes.

**1 Snapchat Notification**

I open it and see that Cait slid up on the picture, replying with "🥵🔥". I roll my eyes. I hit the view button and see that many people have already seen it, including Lindsey and Tobin. I sigh.

There's no going back now. I mean, how hard could this really be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves!
> 
> How do you think Lindsey is going to react to Emily and Hayley's "relationship?"
> 
> Do you like where things are headed?? 
> 
> Also, does you guys want smut? Because I can do that and add more, but if you don't want it then I don't have to. 
> 
> Sorry it's so long, but I didn't want to spilt it up into two.
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter!♥️


	7. Coffee Catchups

**Lindsey's POV**

I finally got up enough nerve to text Em apologizing. I don't think it was exactly how Tobin thought I should have done it, since I told her that I didn't like that she was with Hayley. I just really can't keep quiet about this....I don't know if it's my protective-best-friend-self, or the jealous I-have-a-crush-on-you self. I'm going to pretend that it's the first one.

I decide to put some real clothes on, hoping the blonde will text me back and we can meet up. I'm hoping she wants to talk too.

After I change, I sit back down on my bed. Emily hasn't responded yet so I open up Snapchat, trying to keep myself busy. My heart gets caught in my throat when I see Emily with Hayley.

The longer I stare at it the more I things I pick up. Both have "just fucked" hair. They aren't wearing clothes. Emily's soft smile. Hayley laying on her chest. I flop back down on my bed and throw my phone across the room. It bounces off the wall, hitting it harder than I intended. I grab my pillow and pull it over my face, letting out a scream.

I hear a knock at my door, "Linds, you good?" I hear Tobin say. I groan and she opens the door. I don't look up but I can hear her sigh and walk in. "I take it you saw her Snapchat..." I only nod.

"It'll be okay Lindsey." She pulls the pillow off of my face, trying get me to look at her. I don't want her to see the wetness on my cheeks. I don't know why I'm crying but I can't seem to stop, the tears silently rolling onto my bed. Tobin lays down next to me, knowing that in that moment I just needed someone to be there for me while I figure out what I want to say.

"I-I guess this just came out of nowhere it feels like. I wasn't expecting this and it hit me like a truck. I never had to think about seeing her with someone else so I never worried about it. But now, seeing her actually be happy with Hayley makes me realize that I loved her all this time. And I was so fucking stupid to let her go." My voice cracks at the last word.

"You aren't going to lose her Linds, she is still your best friend, and you’re hers. Everyone knows that, and Sonny won't let Hayley come in between you two. You mean the world to her. Plus, you don't know how long this relationship is going to last. It could very well be over soon, you never know. Honestly, I feel like it isn't a long term thing."

I'm silent, thinking over her words. "I texted her apologizing."

"That's great! What did she say?"

"I'm not sure. I saw her story and then I got pissed and threw my phone. I'm not even sure where it landed...." I look around my room, finding it next to my dresser. It landed case up so when I pick it up and see that it's cracked I let out a frustrated yell. "It's cracked. Of course."

"Let me see," Tobin gets up to grab it out of my hand. "Oh, it's not that bad Linds, you can get it fixed." She's looking at it as it goes off, "Oh, Emily just replied."

Tobin is one of my best friends and we live together, so of course her thumb print is saved in my phone. Without knowing it, she opens up the message. Before I can think anything of it, she reads Em's text and my own.

_To Ems_

_Hey Son...I'm sorry I was a bitch yesterday, I just felt like you were replacing me with Hayley. I know that's not how it really is. I just don't like you being with her, I feel like she's not right for you. I don't want her to use you...Ugh I just hate when we aren't talking. Can we please get coffee later?_

_From Ems_

_I don't understand what you have against Hayley. I could never replace you Linds, you're my best friend. I could really use some coffee rn, wanna meet in half an hour at our spot?_

"Lindsey! That wasn't what I meant when I said apologize!" I grab my phone out of her hands before she can say anything else.

"I don't care T, I had to say what I needed to say."

She looks at me and shakes her head. "At least she replied to you. Honestly I wouldn't have after what you said."

"Yeah, I know. But she replied and that's all that matters. We're going to meet up and talk and hopefully.... I don't know. She's obviously with Hayley so I can't just tell her I have feelings for her. That would...that would complicate things." I sit back down on my bed softly.

Tobin puts her arm around me and leans her head on my shoulder. "It'll be okay."

I sigh before responding to Em.

_To Ems_

_KK see you then_

I check the time. I only have 20 minutes now before I have to be there. Luckily it's not too far of a drive.

"What are you going to say?"

"I don't know, but I'll think of something." I stand up and walk out of my room. I hear Tobin follow. I grab my keys and wallet off the counter.

"Drive safe okay? Let me know how it goes."

I look back at Tobin before walking out the door and nod.  
  
  


I get to the coffee shop pretty quickly. I know the drive like the back of my hand.

When Emily and I first moved in together, I wasn't much of a coffee drinker. Em on the other hand, lived and breathed coffee. She found this place called Northwest that was two blocks away from our apartment. She kept asking me to go with her because she didn't want to go alone and when I finally did, I realized that coffee wasn't so bad.

So we started coming here a lot, maybe twice a week, and then three times and so on. And it became our place. We would always sit in the back booth, by the window but also a wall that was lined with potted plants. That was Em's favorite part.

Since I got there first, I ordered for myself and her, sitting down in the booth with both our drinks. My hands are fidgeting with my cup. I hear the door open and look up to see Em walk in. She looks over at the booth, checking to see if I was already there or not.

She smiles and walks over to me.

"Hey Linds," she says quietly.

"Hey Son."

She sits down and I pass her her drink. She takes a sip of it. I think she's expecting me to speak first since I did ask her to meet me here. But I can't seem to get any words out.

She sighs. "Why do you have such a problem with Hayley?" she asks softly.

"I-I don't know Em. I just feel like she's using you. I feel like this is so sudden. Like did you guys just suddenly decide to be a couple? I didn't even know you two were talking."

She looks down at the coffee mug between her hands. "Okay... We've been talking for a few weeks I guess? I'm not really sure when it started, we just started getting close. And then one thing led to another. She's not using me Linds, I promise."

She's silent before asking, "Are you guys a couple?"

"I mean I think so? Me and Hayls haven't really talked about what we are. We're just....having fun."

The image of them together in bed is now in my mind. Emily and Hayley. Having sex. Engrained in my brain. Emily after sex. Emily being cuddly after sex. Emily sleeping after sex.

And Hayley gets all of that.

'I could've had all of that' I think to myself.

I shake the image out of my head and am brought back to the present when I hear her ask "So what do you think?"

"What?" I ask confused. I hadn't realized she was talking when I zoned out.

"I asked if you wanted to hang out with us later. I think Ellie and Cait are probably going to be there, you can invite Tobs if you want."

"Yeah sure," I say, happy to get to spend time with Em and my friends.

"Oh, Hayls will be there too, I hope you don't mind."

My mood suddenly changes. Of course she's going to be there. But I already said I'd go and I can't say 'I do mind that your girlfriend/sex partner/whatever she is is going to be there'. 

"Hayls?" I ask, my voice slightly disgusted. 

"Yeah? Sorry that's just what I call her. She calls me Em." She shrugs. 

My heart clenches, "I thought I was the only one that called you Em," I mutter under my breath. 

"What?" she asks. 

"Nothing." I shake my head. I don't want to bring that up and start anything. Besides, it's just a stupid nickname.

"So you're in right?" she asks again. I nod my head reluctantly. 

"Great!" Her phone buzzes and when she checks it, I run my hands through my hair frustrated.

I hear the coffee shop door open and look up to see Hayley walk in. I scowl.

Emily looks up and stands up when she sees Hayley walking over. "Hey babe, you didn't have to come pick up me, I could've walked." They kiss and I have to look away, scrunching my face in disgust.

"Yeah but I didn't want you to have to walk back so I thought I'd come pick you up," she says sweetly.

I look up. "I could've given you a lift back, Em."

She shrugs her shoulders, "I didn't want to bother you."

I frown. "It wouldn't have been a bother. I do it all the time." I don't know why I'm upset she didn't ask me if I could take her home. It's probably because she asked Hayley instead of me... I already feel like she's choosing Hayley over me and it's over something silly like a ride home.

Hayley wraps her arm around Em's waist pulling her close and Emily kisses her head affectionately. I roll my eyes. 

"Babe did you ask Lindsey about later?" Emily nods and Hayley looks at me excitedly. 

"She said she's in. I think Tobin might come too. I've still got to ask her though." 

"I can ask her," I say, jumping at the task. 

Emily looks at me questioningly, "Are you sure? I don't mind doing it."

I shake my head, "Nah, I'm actually about to head home and I'll just ask her then." I stand up, signaling that I'm done. I'm ready to leave and not be around Emily and "Hayls" anymore. 

I give them a tight smile. "Let me know if I need to bring anything." I reach to give Emily a hug and Hayley frowns when Emily lets her go to wrap her arms around me. I hold her there for a little bit. She smells like Emily. A mix of lavender and vanilla, a smell that I grew to love and be familiar with, our apartment smelling like it all the time. Until she moved out. 

"Okay Linds, you can let me go now," she chuckles in my ear. I let go, feeling awkward, and scratch the back of my head. 

"Okay, I'll see you guys later. Bye Hayley." I give a small wave and head out the door, already pulling out my phone. 

_To Hobin Teeth_

_We're going to Em's and "Hayls" tonight to hang out. I'm definitely going to pregame before because I don't think I can stand to be in the same room as them for hours without being drunk. _

_From Hobin Teeth_

_I'm in, but are you sure you want to be around Emily drunk?_

_To Hobin Teeth_

_Yeah, I mean it can't be that bad. _

Oh boy, was I wrong. 


	8. Flip Cup and Flipped Emotions

**Emily's POV**

I watched Lindsey walk out of the coffee shop and down the road to her car. When she drives off I finally looked back at Hayley who was watching me intently. 

"So, how'd it go?" 

I shrug my shoulders. "We actually didn't talk for a long time. She said that she thought you were using me," Hayley snorts at that and I just nod, finding it ironic too. "She asked if we were a couple and I basically said yes. And then I invited her over tonight. I figured since Cait and El are coming over, it wouldn't be too awkward if she came. Well technically I invited her over and she thought that it would just be me, her, Cait and El and when I said you were going to be there too, she made a face...." 

"Sooooo it's pretty obvious that she doesn't like us together," she says with a chuckle and I nod. 

"We should probably talk about later tonight...ya know, how we want to act in front of everyone." I want to figure this out now, before we get alcohol and our friends involved and one of us does something the other isn't comfortable with. 

Hayley sits up a little taller in her chair. 

"Okay, so I'm willing to be as affectionate or not as affectionate as you are. We can lay it on thick or kind of reign it in and play it safe." 

I think about it. "I want to make her as jealous as possible. Let's go all out." 

Hayley smirks at me. "Okay, I can do that." 

We get up from the table and head to her car. After climbing in, she looks at me sitting across from her. "We should probably get some alcohol right?" 

I laugh, "Yeah. A party without drinks isn't really a party."

We stop at the grocery store on the way back to my apartment to get some mixers along with snacks. I handle the food while Hayley gets the drinks and we meet at the front to check out. 

Her eyes go wide when she sees everything I'm trying to carry: chips, cookies, crackers, pretzels, and candy. "Damn Em, I didn't know the entire team was coming over." 

I roll my eyes. "You know how much we can all eat, this will barely last us the night." 

We check out and carry all of our bags to the car. As we're driving through traffic Caitlin calls Hayley and it goes off over her bluetooth. She hits accept and the Aussie's voice rings throughout the car. 

"Hey babe."

"Hey Cait, you're on speaker. Em is here."

"Ohhhhh you're with Emilyyyyy." I can hear the smirk in her voice and I just chuckle under my breath. 

"Hey Cait" I say.

"Are you nakeyyy?" her accent coming in thick.

"No!" Hayley shouts. "We're in the car dummy."

"Uh huh sure, 'car'. I gotcha." I can hear her sarcasm and don't bother trying to correct her. I know either way she won't believe us.

"So anyways, you know how we were planning on hanging out later? Tobin and Lindsey are coming over too. We're providing alcohol." 

"Oh, so it's a party now? Heck yeah!"

"Yeah, just try not to get too drunk and have sex with Ellie in my guest room again," I say laughing. 

She laughs. "Hey, that was one time! And that'll be you two pretty soon if you're not careful." 

"Yeah yeah whatever. Just be there by 9, okay?"

"You got it dude." Hayley hits end on the touchscreen and the radio fills the car.

We pull up outside my apartment and she parks the car. I look over at her, "Are you ready for this?"

She nods, "Let's do this."

••••

I'm leaning against my island counter with Hayley running around, straightening the cups or the bowls of snacks. She's rounding the corner of the island when I reach out to grab her, "Hayls, chill out. It's literally just the girls. This isn't anything huge, just a kickback." 

She looks at me skeptically, "I just want everything to look nice!" 

"I know you do, but we'll end up too drunk to remember or even care about how it looks." 

"I mean yeah, you're right," she says shrugging. 

I grab two of my shot glasses a pour some tequila in them, one for me and one for her. "Here, let's take these before everyone gets here to settle your nerves." I say winking. 

"One, two, three." She counts down and we both throw the shot glasses back. She grimaces and I just laugh. 

She bounces up and down, "Okay, I'm feeling a little better now." 

"Good" I say right as someone knocks at the door. I look at Hayley, "Are you ready for this?" 

"Let's do this," she says and grabs my hand, pulling me to the door. She puts her arm around my waist and I put one arm over her shoulder, using the other to open the door, sliding into the role of girlfriends comfortably.

Two hours later, I lost count how many drinks I'd had. Everyone else is in the same boat as me, laughing and having a good time.

Ellie was here with Caitlin, Tobin and Lindsey, Andressinha rode with Gabby, Kling came with Ana, Midge came with Elizabeth. I didn't know that everyone else was coming until Kling knocked on my door, saying that Tobin told her that we were having a little party. 

Luckily Ana and Gabby brought some brownies and cookies because I didn't get enough snacks for everyone. But we would've made it work either way. 

So right now, I've got one of my Spotify playlists booming through my speakers and everyone is standing around my kitchen table. 

"Em, babe come on! We're waiting on you for flip cup!" I look up from my phone and see Hayley waiting for me to grab my drink and go back over. 

I stand in between Hayley and Gabby, with Ana, Kling, and Midge on my side of the table. Linds, El, Cait, Tobin, Andressa with Elizabeth on the other side. 

Kling looks at all of us to make sure we're ready. "On your mark, get set, go!" Hayley starts us off, chugging her cup quickly and sets it down. She gets the flip on the first try and jumps up excitedly. After I finish my drink, it takes me two tries to flip my cup, with everyone on my team cheering as I get it. 

I look over to see Lindsey looking at me right as Hayley pulls me in and kisses me. I kiss her back, wrapping my arms around her waist. We're still kissing when I hear the girls on our side of the table cheer. We separate to see them jumping up and down.

"Looks like we won," I shout over all the commotion. I can still feel Lindsey's eyes burning in the back of my head so I don't try to turn around just yet.

We move into my living room a little while later, drinks in hand. Everyone files in and when Lindsey is the last person to walk in, there isn't any more seats left. She looks around, and Hayley gets up. "Here you take have my seat."

"Are you sure?" Hayls nods.

"Then where are you going to sit?" 

Hayls looks at me and then climbs into my lap. I laugh and wrap my arms around her, pulling her close to me. 

Lindsey rolls her eyes and looks at Tobin. I don't think she was expecting me to see so when she looks back at me and sees me looking at her, her eyes widen and she looks at the ground. 

I look away when Hayley nuzzles her face into my neck. I kiss her head. "Is she watching?" Hayls whispers in my ear. I hmm in response and nod my head. "Good," she says and kisses my neck. 

I listen to the conversations around me, everyone talking about different things. 

We're all pretty buzzed so everyone is at ease. 

"I'm going to go get some more," she says lifting her cup. I nod and untangle myself from her so she can get up. 

I'm pulled into a conversation with Ana and Kling who are sitting next to me so I don't see Lindsey get up and follow Hayley.

**Hayley's POV**

I open the fridge to pull out the Sprite and hear someone walk in behind me. When I turn around to see Lindsey, I freeze for a second before walking to the island counter where the bottles of alcohol sit. 

She doesn't say anything for a second so I make the first move. "Hey Lindsey," I say peacefully.

"Hey Hayls" she says with disgust.

'Oh boy,' I think to myself. 'Here we go.'

I sigh. "Why are you so against me being with Em? What did I do?" I ask, getting straight to the point and setting my cup down. 

"You barely even know her! She gets attached too easily and can't see when someone is using her for their own personal gain. She't too sweet to tell you to stop so she's just going to let it keep happening until you break her." 

"You would know all about her getting too attached wouldn't you Lindsey? And breaking her, I would've thought you were a professional at that by now." I can't help the harshness in my voice because I mean it. I saw how broken Emily was, how she still is, and Lindsey doesn't even care.

Her nostrils flare and her eyes darken. We're both a little drunk and feeling fiesty. "You don't know anything." 

"Oh really, I think it's more like YOU don't know anything. She didn't even tell you we were a thing, right? Must've had a reason." I throw that in her face on purpose. I'm not backing down from this and neither is she. 

"Sonny deserves to be happy after the year she's had and if I can help her, then I will." I think back to when she came back after the World Cup. Yeah she had helped the team win, but she was still really upset with herself and the fact that she didn't get as many minutes as she wanted. She came back so drained, mentally and physically. There was one week where she barely got out of bed. 

"What do you mean 'after the year she's had' "? Lindsey asks with a frown. 

I shake my head. "It's not my place to say. That's her story. But it seems like you don't want us to be together because you're so used to having her all to yourself, at your beck and call. Well not anymore. She's moved on." 

Lindsey pauses. I feel like I might've said too much, giving away that I knew what happened between them. But, really, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure things out. 

She looks at the ground and I just stand there, both of us breathing heavy. 

"Just, take care of her okay? She deserves to be loved and treated like the amazing person she is. I know I missed my chance, fuck, I hate that I missed my chance. I think about what I should've done or what I could've done almost every day since I started loving her. I hate that I let her get away but I was too stupid to realize what was going on."

My eyes widen. Lindsey said 'loving her' as in present tense, as in still loves her. Lindsey is still rambling when I focus again. 

"You still love her?" I ask, cutting her off.

She freezes. "I-I never said I loved her."

I raise my eyebrows skeptically. "It sure seems like you did." 

"I don't," she says sternly. 

I look at her skeptically. "I can't love her," she says quietly. "I'm her best friend. I knew that she had feelings for me in the past and I ignored them because I was too scared. And I lost her. And I don't think I'll ever be able to get her back." 

When she starts crying, I don't know where to look or what to do. The change in conversation is giving me whiplash.

"Uhhh," I don't know if I should keep my role as Emily's supposed girlfriend and back away, or if I should go hug her. Luckily I'm saved when Tobin walks into the kitchen.

She looks from me to Lindsey and then back to me. I'm sure I look like a deer caught in headlights but Tobin only seems to care that Lindsey is crying. "What did you fucking do?" she asks and pushes past me. 

She grabs Lindsey and pulls her into her side, hugging her while glaring at me over her head. 

Before I can get anything out I hear Lindsey say "I still love her Tobs, I love her so much," between sobs. 

Tobin's eyes widen. She suddenly realizes the grandeur of the predicament her friend seems to be in; admitting she loves her best friend, in front of said friend's "girlfriend", in her kitchen, surrounded by her teammates. 

"I think we're going to go. She's pretty drunk and doesn't really know what she's saying," Tobin says. 

I know that Tobin just said that to make it seem like Lindsey's drunk confession wasn't true, that she was simply intoxicated and didn't mean it. But we both know that isn't true. I don't say anything, still too uncomfortable to move or respond in situation. 

Tobin grabs Lindsey's jacket from the counter, Lindsey still tucked into her side, and steers her out the door. I can hear everyone else yelling in the living room, unaware of what's currently going on. 

I knew that Lindsey liked Emily, but I had no idea it was love love. 

I don't know whether or not if I should tell Em. I mean....should I? I really feel like she still loves Lindsey. And we've both made it clear that whatever is going on between us is purely physical so I don't think that what we're doing is going to affect how she feels about Lindsey. 

Emily must have walked into the kitchen because I notice her come in until she says "Hey Hayls, you good?" 

I blink, coming back into focus. I look at her and she's smiling. "Y-yeah, I'm good," I say with a forced smile. 

"Who just left?" she asks nodding towards the door.

I scratch the back of my neck nervously. I decide to go for it. Em deserves to be happy and I know deep down, Lindsey can make her happy. 

"Lindsey and Tobin just left. Um Lindsey and I kind of got into it and she uh...Emily I think she accidentally admitted she's still in love with you."

She tilts her head, like she didn't hear me. "What?" she asks, confused.

I take a step towards her and grab her hands. "Em, Lindsey is still in love with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii. Sorry this took so long to update, these past couple weeks have really been kicking my butt. But I'm going to try to update once a week *hopefully* as in I'm going to try really really hard. But I am a college kid so please be patient with me :)  
Let me know what you think is going to happen next...


	9. Days After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii.
> 
> First, I would like to apologize. I know this is hella late but I'm having a really difficult time right now in college and in life. :')
> 
> But to make up for it, I made this chapter twice as long as it normally would have been. I hope you can forgive me. ♥️
> 
> Let me know what you think! And what you think is going to happen next ;)

**Emily's POV**

I'm not entirely sure what happened later that night, some parts are a little hazy.

I know that I when Hayley first told me that Lindsey was still in love with me I thought she was kidding, like she was playing some sort of joke. Then when I saw her face, a mixture between sorrow and confusion too, I knew she was telling the truth.

But at that moment, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to obsess over why she thinks that or what was said or anything like that. I just wanted to have fun with my friends and drink, and I wasn't going to let Lindsey ruin that.

Sadly I wish I could say that I succeeded in not thinking about it. But when it comes to a certain blonde teammate of mine, honestly I can never get keep her out of my head.

I knew that I still liked Lindsey. I knew that almost year of pretending I didn't and forcing myself to believe I didn't like her, had no avail.

Hayley could tell I was overthinking it. She respected my decision to not talk about it when I told her that the conversation could wait until the morning. She didn't push me, which I greatly appreciated, and she didn't try to stop me when I reached for a jello shot to throw back.

But later, when she found me sitting in a corner in my living room, all alone, she didn't push me to talk about it then either. She let me mull over it and drink myself into oblivion while she played host and catered to our, well, my guests.

Everyone was having too much of a good time to notice my change in demeanor thankfully. I just kept throwing back drinks to try to make myself forget.   
  
  
  


When I wake up the next morning I notice I'm in my bed. I lift my head off my pillow and see Hayls passed out next to me. I rub my eyes with the back of my hand and take stock of myself. She starts to stir as I slowly sit up.  
  
  


headache: check

lack of memory: check

sleeping body next to me: check  
  
  


I see that someone must've helped me change into my pajamas because I'm not wearing the same outfit I was wearing before. My signature grey cotton tank top and matching sleep shorts, comfortable for any occasion.

Hayley lets out a small yawn and opens her eyes slowly.

"Hey Em." Her Australian accent mixed with her morning voice makes me smile.

The comforter falls off her body as she sits up and I see that she has her sleep shirt on too, so I can conclude that we did not end up having sex last night. So technically the sleeping body next to me doesn't count since we actually only slept.

"Hi," I croak. My voice is hoarse, I'm assuming from my lack of water intake within the last 24 hours.

She moves around my room slowly, picking up her clothes I'm assuming she threw on the ground last night after she got me changed and quickly changed herself.

"So I remember things from last night....Obviously I didn't drink enough," I say with a forced chuckle.

She gives me a look, eyebrows raised. She doesn't find my comment amusing and I know we're about to have one of her deep, all-about-feelings talks.

"Do you want to talk about this now or eat something first?" she pauses and stretches her small body.

I sigh. "Let's eat first. Can we go to that breakfast place you really like?' I ask hopeful.

She smiles and nods.

••••

We're sitting across from each other in a corner booth at Root Cafe. After we order our food, Hayley is looking at me, expecting me to say something.

"So..."

"So.”

"Are you sure she said she loves me? You could've heard wrong, it was loud, there was a lot of people-"

"Em, I know what I heard."

I play with the straw in my drink, not knowing what to say.

"I think...that maybe you feel the same way. That maybe that's why you're reacting the way you are."

My eyes shoot up to meet hers. I don't see any blame or any judgement, just a suggestion.

"I think... maybe you've loved her since the beginning, since before Seattle. And that's why you wanted to be in this relationship with me so that you could shift your focus onto something else and try to suppress your emotions." Her voice doesn't have any malice or unkindness in it.

I know that right now I could acknowledge that Hayley is right, that I have loved Lindsey for a while, but that would be the first that I've admitted how i really truly felt since the day after we got back from Seattle.

I know that denying it will only make it worse. I know this from experience. That's how I got into the situation before Seattle. I never told her how I actually was feeling, I was too scared, too cowardly.

"I still love her," my voice is a soft whisper. Barely hearable over the other guests convcersations, but Hayley hears.

She gives me a small smile. "I know you do Em,” she says softly.

"I just don't know what to do now. I feel like we've gone too far, too much has happened. What would we even do? Date? how would that even work? Then with the team and the national team. I don't think we could do this. This isn't going to work-"

"Woah, woah, Em. slow down." She reaches across the table and puts a hand on my arm.

"No one is saying you guys have to date. No one is saying you have to do anything. I just thought that it would be healthy for you to admit it."

When out waiter appears by our table with our food, she moves her hand from my arm and lets him set the food down.

"She doesn't know how you feel and she doesn't have to if you don't want her too."

I nod my head, "Yeah i know,"

I take a sip of my water before continuing.

"She's just messing with my head so much. I don't know what to do Hayls," I pull at my hair, frustrated.

"I'm going to suggest something, and I don't want you to get mad okay?" I look at Hayley, wondering what she could be about to say.

"It seems like you haven't gone to Jacqui in a while....and you know how much I care about you Em, but I don't want you to fall back into the place you were before...."

I use my fork to push the food on my plate in circles. We both know what she is suggesting and we both know she's right.

I sigh. "Well, I mean, we've been really busy lately and I haven't really had time. Plus I didn't need it...."

"You never think you need it until it's too late. You know this." She gives me a pointed look because we both know that she is right.

I nod hesitantly. "Yeah okay, I'll call."

She smiles at me, "Thank you. You know I only want whats best for you right?"

"I know Hayls and I really appreciate it."  
  
  


Two days later I'm sitting on a leather sofa, tapping my foot softly because it just can't seem to sit still.

I've never liked sitting in silence and having someone look at you while you freak out about sitting in silence only seems to make it worse.

"Why are you nervous Emily?"

The leather bracelet on my wrist is suddenly extremely fascinating and I can't take my eyes off of it.

I shrug my shoulders, "I dunno."

"Yes you do."

When I finally look up at her, I see a woman sitting in a dark green love seat, with her feet propped up on the footstool. I see the same 40 year old brunette with soft eyes and a warm smile, never a judgemental look.

The same face i've seen since may of 2018. The same month that Lindsey and I....

After I got back and moved my stuff, my mental health was the worst it had ever been. And no one knew about it.

Tobin didn't even know the full extent of what happened, so how could I talk to her about how I was feeling?

I decided that for my own sake I needed to see someone before I lost my mind, and that led me to the same couch I'm sitting on now.  
  
  


I've seen her off and on since then. Once every 2-3 weeks during the off season and less so during season. It can be difficult finding free time when almost every hour is planned out for you.

There's also the fact that only one person knows that I see Jacqui, and that's Hayley.

Tobin doesn't know, Lindsey doesn't know. Not Cait or Ellie.

Not the coaching staff at the Thorns.

And I know that mental health is becoming a more talked about subject and better accepted but still... I didn't want to lose the image of 'happy, funny Sonnett.' 

I don't say anything. My knee is now moving up and down along with my foot.

She sighs. "Okay so why don't you catch me up on what's been going on since we last talked?"

"Uh, okay...so Lindsey and Tobin found out about me and Hayley,"

She raises her eyebrows at my statement.

"I didn't know that you were hiding it from them."

I scratch the back of my head. "I wouldn't say I was hiding it from them, just keeping them out of the loop?" My voice gets higher at the end of my sentence. We both know I was hiding it from them.

"So walk me through that."

"Well Tobin and Lindsey picked me up for practice like they normally would and Hayley was there with me waiting for them. And both of them were really surprised. And then Lindsey's feelings were hurt that i didn't tell her-"

"Why didn't you tell her?"

"Because.....if I told her that I was with Hayley....then I guess she would see that I was moving on?"

"Are you asking me or telling me that?"

"Aren't you supposed to be the one with all the answers?" I say frustrated.

She shrugs. "I don't know, you tell me."

I let out a dramatic sigh.

"Tell me what you do know Emily."

"I know....I know that I loved her when we went to Seattle. And I loved her when we got back from Seattle. And then after we got back I still loved her, even when I moved out...and then I distanced myself from her," Jacqui nods her head, she has heard this story many, many times.

"And then we just kind of went back to normal, like nothing ever happened. And I had to pretend that everything I ever wanted and dreamed of, everything I had for a night and then it was ripped out of my hands," my voice cracks at the end.

"And since then I know that I've tried to move on and forget what happened, forget how I felt when we were laying together and I was so happy" she hands me a tissue and I notice that I have a few tears rolling down my cheek.

"Let's pause right there. Why did you never bring it up to her? Why didn't you ever tell her how her actions hurt you?"

"Because I didn't want to lose her. I was willing to set aside how I felt if that meant getting to still be her best friend, even if it almost killed me. "

Which it did, but we won't get into that.

"And then after the World Cup, when I was really depressed, Hayley was there for me. And she helped me when I couldn't get out of bed or didn't want to go to practice. And we started getting close. Until it seemed like the next step was for us to date, so we did. And it was good, we were happy. And we had a lot of sex," I chuckle and Jacqui rolls her eyes but smiles. She nods, encouraging me to continue.

"And we were good. Everything was good until Lindsey found out. And then it seems like everything went down hill from there."

She scoots forward in her chair and holds her chin in her hand, "and what happened after she saw you and Hayley together?"

"Well, in the car she was acting weird, she wouldn't really look at me. And then when we go to the field, she was asking me why I didn't tell her. She was acting really weird....."

"Weird how so?"

"During our game, I did something stupid and got a red, and ARod, a player on the other team, she kind of, went after me? She got in my face and was pushing me, and of course the refs stepped in and so did Lindsey and Tobin too. It ended up being nothing, I went off the field, but a few minutes later, Lindsey shoved ARod out of the blue. Like they were just standing around, waiting to start again, and she full on shoved her. ARod fell and Lindsey got a yellow."

"So, after you went off the field, Lindsey shoved the girl that got in your face?"

I nod, "Yeah, and my other teams made had comments about it. Obviously I thought she was just acting how any best friend would, protective and everything. But they thought that it was something more. "

"Do you think that it was something more?"

I pause to think before answering. "I think, looking back now, it could look like she's just being an overprotective friend. But....it also looks like something else."

"So what happened after that?"

"Well, Lindsey certainly let me know how she felt about me being with Hayley. She has been very vocal about not approving. She's worried that Hayley is using me, when in reality I'm using her," I laugh at the irony.

Jacqui just tilts her head.

"So me and Hayley went to the farmer's market the day after the game and ran into Tobin and Christen. Aaaaand I learned that Lindsey told Tobin about what happened in Seattle. Which I was not expecting at all. Especially Tobin, who knows both of us really well, so I was a little shocked. and Tobin then basically was like 'Lindsey got upset when she say you with _Hayley. Hayley. Hayley.' _and then she said 'connect the dots Son'. So obviously that led me to believe that Lindsey likes me. And then obviously I was upset about it and me any Hayley talked and decided that we probably should pause our relationship....and we came to sort of an agreement."

"Agreement how so?"

"Well, I wanted to make Lindsey jealous. Knowing that she was jealous over seeing me with someone? That made me feel, good, powerful, I guess? I had pined over her for SO long and now knowing that she wanted me? Yeah, it felt good.

So I asked Hayley if she would pretend to still be with me and in return she asked for sex, and we agreed. And since then we're still pretending to date and at a party I had at my house, I guess Lindsey corned Hayley and she drunkly admitted that she loved me, or loves me."

Once I finish the sentence, I let out a big breath.

Jacqui has her eyebrows raised. "Well it seems like you've been busy since we've last met."

I'm messing with the tissue in my hand and shrug.

"Do you want to know what I think?"

I sniffle and nod.

"I think that the only reason you dated Hayley in the first place was to fill the hole that Lindsey left, and it worked, for a little while. I know Lindsey hurt you really bad after what she did, but I also feel like those feelings you had for her never went away. Am I right?"

I don't need to nod because she knows that she's right. "I think she hurt you and you still love her, which is okay Emily. But you're scared, I see that. And that is totally normal."

"I'm so scared," the tears are running down my face now.

We've gotten to the root of the issue and the water works can't seem to stop.

"I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I'm so mad at myself for still caring for her the way I do after what she did. She completely broke me. And now that I know she might like me? I feel like I'm going to forget all about that and walk right into her arms...and that scares me even more, because if she did it once before, then she can do it again.

I hate that she has that power over me, but she does, because she has my heart."

"She doesn't have your heart Emily, you do. You get to choose who you want to give it to, and you can choose her. Or you can not choose to not give it to her."

"I don't even know what i want right now."

"And that's okay, you can decide later.....but one thing that you should probably decide now, is that your relationship with Hayley, that's not healthy. Pretending to be dating while using each other for sex, that's only going to get complicated and messy. And since you're trying to figure out your feelings with Lindsey, having that distraction might not help."

I know that she's right, that whatever I have going on with Hayley needs to end.

"You need to start putting yourself first Emily. If being around Lindsey isn't good for your mental health, then you need to take a step back. She doesn't get to control your life."

I let my head fall against the back to the couch I'm sitting on.

"I'm not saying that cutting her out of your life is the answer, I'm just saying that you should do what is best for you and your mental health and that might be it, but it also might not be."

The grandfather clock that sits in the corner of her office dings, letting us know that the hour is up.

"And with that, we can talk about it more next time."

I nod and pick up all the used tissues I've accumulated lying on the couch to throw away.

"I feel like maybe we should go back to a once a week schedule? What do you think?"

I cough, "Uh, yeah. that's fine with me." I haven't done once a week since I got back from the World Cup.

She gives me a soft smile and wraps me in a hug.

I hug her back. This lady has helped me through so much, and I trust her judgement on how often we need to meet, so I never question it. If she said once a week, I'd make it work with my schedule.

She pulls away and holds me at arms length. "Same time next week?"

"Yeah, that works." She pats my arm and leads me to her door, opening it for me.

"Bye Emily." i wave at her as I walk through her door and past the front office, into the parking lot.

When I close the door to my car, I let the rest of my tears fall. 

I cry for the time I've spent sad over Lindsey, the countless hours I'm never going to get back. I cry out of anger at myself, for loving her so easily. I cry for the feelings of unworthiness she gave me, of me not being good enough for her, of me thinking that someone could never love me after she said she regretted it. and I cry over frustration, that she chooses now, a year later to show her true emotions.

I know that going back to once a week visits doesn't mean anything bad, but for some reason it feels like it means that I'm getting worse, that I'm going back into a bad place. And I'm ashamed I let myself do that.

I scream and hit my hands against the steering wheel.

After a few minutes, my breathing slows down and the tears come to a halt. I check the time on my dashboard and see that it say 9:37.

"Shit," I mutter to myself. I'm late for practice.

I throw my car in reverse and head towards Providence Park. I call Hayley as I hit the highway.

She answers on the first ring.

_"Hey Em, I was just about to call you."_

_"Uh, yeah I got out a little late...Do you think-"_

_"I already covered for you. I told them you forgot your boots at home and had to run back. No one questioned it." _She chuckles.

_"Thanks Hayls, I appreciate it."_

_"Of course Em." _She pauses, _"How did it go?" _she ask quietly.

I sigh. _"It went. I'm going back next week."_

_"That's good Sonny, really good."_

_"Yeah. Hey listen Hayls, you know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me right? And you know that you're one of my best friends and I love ya, but we can't do this anymore. This fake dating and sex thing, it's not healthy. I think we both know that."_

_"I know Em, I'm sorry."_

_"You don't need to be sorry, you didn't do anything. I'm the one that should apologize."_

_"No, you don't either okay? Now when are you getting to practice? Cait and Ellie are killing me."_

I laugh. _"I'll be there soon." _  
  
  


When I park my car at Providence Park, I look at myself in the mirror before getting out. My face is blotchy and my eyes are red but there isn't really anything I can do about it now considering I'm already here and late.

"Fuck it," I turn off my car and grab my bag, heading inside.

When I get into the locker room, I see that it's empty. I'm not sure whether this is a curse or a blessing because that means that everyone is already on the pitch and me walking in late will be obvious, but I also get to clear my head before going out.

I take off my sneakers and slip into my boots when I hear the door that connects the bathroom to the locker room open. I look up and my heart stops.

"You got to be fucking kidding me," I mutter.

Lindsey freezes when she sees me.

I look back at the ground and close my eyes. I don't want to deal with this right now. After I finish triple knotting both boots, I stand up quickly, wanting to escape.

"Em," Lindsey reaches for me as I try to walk past her. "Have you been crying?" she asks softly, she's frowning, looking concerned.

"I don't want to talk about it Linds," I try to pull away from her but she won't let me go.

"Sonny come on, you know you can talk to me." She gives me a pleading look. I know she wants us to be okay, but after the morning I've had, I just need room to breathe.

"I can't Lindsey. Please let it go."

She lets go of my arm but only because I tried to pull away again.

"Why are you hiding things from me Em? First you don't tell me that you're with Hayley, and who knows how long you two have been sleeping around, and now you won't talk to me about why you're upset?" There's a fire in her eyes and I know that she isn't going to let this go.

I'm trying really hard to keep my cool right now, but she isn’t helping. I take a deep breath in and out before I try to respond.

"Linds-"

"No, don't 'Linds' me. Is Hayley putting you up to this? Did she say that we can't be friends anymore? Are you really going to let your girlfriend come between us?"

Lindsey says the last sentence with so much disgust that I just can't help it anymore.

"She didn't leave me the next morning after we slept together. She didn't say that it was a mistake and that we couldn't tell anyone. She didn't ignore me for an entire trip home and then let me move out of our shared apartment without so much as trying to stop me. She didn't basically abandon me for a week when I needed my best friend the most. And she didn't say she loved me almost an entire YEAR later when she knew I loved her pretty much the entire time."

I didn't realize I was yelling until I heard the echo bounce off the metal lockers. My heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest and I feel like my blood is about to boil. I'm breathing heavy but I don't care.

"No, that was you Lindsey. YOU."

Lindsey is just staring at me, not saying anything and that only makes me even more mad.

"Now you don't have anything to say? Real nice. That seems like something you know how to do well, doesn't it?"

Her mouth is hanging open, shock written all over her face.

"What the heck is going on in here?"

I don't need to turn around to know that Tobin just walked in. I didn't even hear her open the door, I don't think either of us did because Lindsey is just as shocked as I am to see Tobin.

She looks from her to me, and then back to the girl standing behind me.

I huff, irritated that Lindsey has yet to speak.

"Nothing, I was just leaving."

I step back and reach down for my bag at my feet, without taking my eyes off of Lindsey.

Tobin reaches for my arm, trying to stop me. "Son, we have practice."

I push her off me and shake my head.

"No, I'm going home." I look at Lindsey one more time, waiting for her to say something, for her to stop me. But just like when I told her I was moving out, she doesn't do anything.

I slam the door on my way out.   
  



	10. Friends in all places

**Alternate POV**

9:30 A.M. Wednesday

The Portland Thorns locker room is buzzing. Players are getting their cleats on and preparing for practice. They have about seven minutes before they need to be on the pitch.

Midge Purce is playing music, dancing around with Caitlin and Ellie, laughing. The overall mood is positive.

Tobin is sitting on the bench in front of her locker looking at her phone, texting Christen. Lindsey is leaning against the lockers, trying to talk with a distracted Tobin.

The door to the locker room slams open unexpectedly. Everyone's eyes jump up to see Hayley. But Hayley is only looking for one person, and when she finds her, her face immediately darken.

She stomps into the room, eyes locked on her target: a certain blonde resting against the lockers.

Before Lindsey can blink, the shorter girl is right in front of her, shoving her against the cold, hard metal.

"What did you do to her? WHAT DID YOU FUCKING DO?"

Lindsey is taken back by the anger in the other girl's voice. Hayley has her hand against Lindsey's sternum, holding her against the lockers.

The locker room is now dead silent as Tobin stands up.

"Woah, Hayley. Chill out." Tobin tries to cut inbetween the two girls, but Hayley isn't moving. Her eyes are still locked on Lindsey.

"No! Not until Lindsey tells me what she fucking did!"

Hayley is usually a happy, carefree person. No one has seen this side of her before.

Lindsey has a scared look in her eyes, pleading at Tobin to help her.

Caitlin comes over and has to physically grab Hayley to pull her off of Lindsey. Tobin immediately puts herself in front of the girl, big sister mode activated.

"Hayls, what's going on?" Ellie tries to ask in a calm voice, not wanting to make her friend more upset.

"I went to Emily's place this morning because I hadn't heard from her since she left practice," at this she sends daggers to Lindsey cowering behind Tobin. Everyone knew that Emily had not come to practice two days ago, but no one knew why. Except Lindsey, Tobin and Hayley.

"And when I knocked, she didn't answer. So I called her. And she didn't answer. Finally I used the key that I have. And do you know what I found? Nothing. It was empty."

"What do you mean?" Caitlin asks confused.

"She wasn't there! So I checked her location and it showed that she was at the airport."

"Airport? What?" Ellie interrupts Hayley, asking the question that everyone had.

The rest of the team has now gathered around the group, everyone worried or intrigued. No one else has said a word.

"I don't fucking know! I texted her saying that I saw she was at the airport and asked her to call me but then she stopped sharing her location with me. I got the message saying that 'Emily Sonnet has stopped sharing her location with you.' She texted me saying 'Please stop calling me.' And when I tried to call her again, it went straight to voicemail so I know that she turned off her phone."

Ellie tilts her head in confusion.

Caitlin pulls out her phone, "She stopped sharing her location with me too." Ellie does the same and murmurs "Same."

Tobin looks from Lindsey to Hayley, "How do you know that Lindsey did anything?"

"Because you know what I found when I went to her house? A certain army green jacket that I haven't seen a single other person wear before."

Tobin turns to look at the girl standing behind her.

Lindsey is biting her lip nervously.

Tobin steps back, her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "Lindsey?" she asks questioningly.

All eyes are on the blonde now, but she doesn't say anything.

"She's gone and I don't know where she is." Hayley's voice catches in her throat when she finishes speaking. She turns to Caitlin, who is looking at her with sympathy written all over her face. Everyone could see that she was angry before, but now they see another emotion. Worry? Distraught? Fear?

Ellie tries to wrap the girl in a hug but Hayley only holds her hand out, rejecting her friend. She turns to look back at Lindsey with a new fierceness in her eyes.

"She's gone, and YOU did something. So you better start talking."   
  
  


**Somewhere else in the world.....**  
  
  


"Flight 7209 from Portland has now landed, thank you for flying with us today."

Emily's head is resting against the cold, plastic window with her eyes closed.

The guy sitting next to her stands up to get his bag from the overhead bin and when he is standing in the aisle, he looks at the the girl in seat 27C.

"I hope whatever you're going through gets better."

Emily's bloodshot eyes shoot open as she looks at the stranger.

He didn’t say a single word to her the entire flight, and she didn’t speak to him either. But he saw her crying through take off, during the flight, and touchdown. She was good at hiding her sobs, but the tears running down her checks gave it away.

She gives him a tight smile and he nods, sincerity in his eyes.   
  
  
  


**48 hours earlier....**

Monday, 9:50 A.M.

**Lindsey's POV**

I know that Tobin is speaking, but I can't hear her over the ringing in my ears.

"Lindsey....Lindsey."

I'm brought back to the present when she shakes my shoulders. She has a concerned look on her face.

"Linds, are you okay?"

I open my mouth to try and speak but nothing comes out.

"Here, why don't you sit down?" she pushes me lightly to the bench in front of our lockers.

"Did-did you hear what she said?"

Tobin nods reluctantly.

"She was so mad Tobin, so mad. And she brought up Seattle, and the move. And then she said that I abandoned her-"

"You didn't abandon her Linds."

"But I did Tobin. I know that I did and she does too. It's been a year, and she's still so upset."

Tobin doesn't say what she wants to say. She wants to say 'You still love her a year later so how could she not still be upset?' but she doesn't. That won't help right now.

"She knows I love her. Hayley must have told her after the party, there's no other way. How could she do that? I can't believe she knows, oh my gosh."

"Hey, it'll be okay, alright?"

I nod my head, but don't believe her.

"Should I go stop her? Should I go say something to her? I need to find her." I try to stand up but Tobin pushes me back down.

"No, you need to give her some space right now. Give her some time to cool off."

I only nod my head, trying to think of what's next.

Tobin stands there, watching me cautiously, trying to see if I'm about to explode or pull myself together.

We stay that way for a few minutes, me trying to catch my breath and wrap my head around what just happened.

I'm about to get up when I hear the door from the pitch open quietly. Hayley walks in on her phone. She doesn't see us until she looks up.

I haven't spoken to her since the party.

Where I told her that I loved her girlfriend.

And Tobin had to drag me out crying.

When she looks up and sees us she glares.

And then it clicks. Hayley told Emily what I said. She had to have.

"You," I say with a snarl, standing up quickly.

Tobin steps forward, putting her arm up to stop me.

"What do you want?" she says with just as much menace.

"You told Emily how I felt! You told her what I said!"

She scoffs, "Yeah, so?"

I let out an aggravated scream. "How could you do that?!"

She steps forward, Tobin's arm still in between us. "I don't hide things from her, unlike somebody." She lowers her voice as she says the last part.

"Okay, that's enough you two. Stop it." Tobin finally decides to say something.

"No! She's acting like a child, hiding things when I was the adult here and actually told Emily! Instead of this girl who all she does is lie to her. Not again. You broke her once but I'm not going to let it happen again."

"I did not break her!"

"Yes you did! And you wouldn't even know because you didn't check up on her, you didn't stick around for her. She was ALONE."

"No she wasn't." Tobin says firmly. "She had me."

Hayley laughs sarcastically. "She didn't even tell you that her and Lindsey slept together right? Do you really think she was going to come to you for help?"

"Help with what?" I asks frustrated.

"Help with you! Help with how she was feeling! Help with...just help in general, okay?"

Hayley tries to step around me but I grab her arm. "No, We’re not done talking yet."

She looks at my hand on her arm and then back at my face. "Let go of me," she whispers.

I hold onto her arm, not wanting to let go until we finish thus, but when she yanks her arm away harder this time, I can't hold on any longer.

She glares at me and leaves the room.  
  
  


**36 hours earlier....**

Monday, 9:50 P.M.

**Emily's POV**

I let out a sigh as the credits roll across the screen. When I get up off the couch to stretch my entire body aches and I remember that I hadn't moved at all since I'd gotten home this morning, only getting up to go to the bathroom and get ice cream.

I didn't care that I left practice without telling anyone. I would face the consequences later.

My phone dings on the island counter and I walk over to see who it is.

_Two new messages from Hayls_

_Em. I know something happened with Lindsey. I saw her in the locker room._

_I'm here if you want to talk okay? You know I can be over in 5._

I lock my phone and set it back down. I appreciate Hayley being there for me but right now I just need to be alone.

I check the time and am surprised it's not later.

I decide to watch another movie, not feeling motivated to do anything else.

I'd just gotten settled on the couch when I hear a knock. My eyes dart to the door.

I decide that I'm going to ignore it and hopefully the person will go away. But when they knock a second time, and then a third, I know that they aren't leaving.

"Freaking Hayley," I say to myself. Of course she would drive over after not hearing from me.

I unlock my door and pull it open, "Hayley, I'm fine. Really."

Except it's not Hayley.

It's Lindsey.

I freeze when I see her. But then I quickly snap out of it and rush to shut the door.

Her sticks her foot between the door and the frame before I can shut it all the way.

"Em, wait. Please," she pleads.

"Move your foot Lindsey." I say firmly.

"No. Just talk to me."

"You are the LAST person I want to talk to right now. Now move your foot."

She pushes against the door, trying to shove it open.

"No. I'm not leaving until we talk Sonny."

She's stronger than me in that moment. I blame it on me being lethargic all day, but she gets the door open.

My face is stone cold.

But when I see her and see her tear stained face, my heart softens. And I hate myself for that.

I can never stand to see Lindsey upset. Even when I'm horribly mad at her, it still hurts me.

"Five minutes. You have five minutes and then I want you out of my house."

I turn and walk back into the kitchen. I stand on the other side of the island, wanting to put as much space in between us as possible.

She shuts the door softly and then slowly walks the rest of the way into the room. Her just looking at me is starting to annoy me.

"What do you want Lindsey?"

She walks around the island, trying to stand close to me but I back away. She looks hurt by my actions but I need to put some space in between us.

"What happened to us Em?" she asks, her eyes glassy.

I scoff. "There never was an us. There was a you and a me. That's it."

"Yeah but there could have been an us," she says softly.

"Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare say that to me a year later. You knew how I felt about you, how could you not?"

"I had no idea how you felt because you never told me!"

"You're lying and you know it! I know it too! All those times that you would come into my room at night because you couldn't sleep, or when we would lay on the couch together for hours because neither of us could stand to sit far away from each other? You knew and don't pretend you didn't." My eyes are blazing and I'm breathing heavy.

"You could have told me how you felt instead of never saying anything to me about it."

"For god's sake Lindsey! Why didn't YOU do anything? If you knew how I felt why didn't you say anything to me? How could you just go on and let me have those feelings for you and you not say anything?"

She's looking down at the island with her hands resting on the counter.

"You just liked the attention. That's what it was right? You liked knowing you had all the power and you didn't give a damn how I felt. If you didn't feel the same you should have fucking said something instead of leading me on."

"You don't get to say that I didn't feel anything. Because I did. I felt EVERYTHING." She's glaring at me and I'm glaring back at her.

"Clearly it wasn't enough because here we are, a year later."

"Shouldn't it mean something that I still feel the same a year later?" she asks pleadingly.

I shake my head. "No. That means nothing to me."

Of course that's a lie. But she doesn't need to know that.

She's silent for a minute before speaking again.

"Hayley said...she said that I broke you."

I close my eyes. I can't look at her right now.

Fucking Hayley.

"W-what did she mean by that?"

"Exactly what she said. You broke me. And I've spent the last year fixing myself, so you have no right coming back now after I've finally put the pieces back together."

Lindsey doesn't deserve to know how I've been and what I went through. She doesn't get to know that about me.

"Em, I'm so sorry. Please-" she tries to walk towards me but I put my hand up, not wanting her to come any closer.

"You don't get to be sorry. You don't get to feel bad about the damage YOU caused. Not now, you have to deal with the fact that you almost-" I stop mid-sentence.

"I almost what?"

I shake my head. I can't tell her. I refuse to tell her.

"It doesn't matter anymore, it's in the past."

"Obviously it's not in the past if I still feel the same way about you now."

My eyes won't meet hers. My head is pounding and my heart is thumping. This is all too much for me right now. I turn my back to her.

"Em, please." I hear her move and feel her hand on my shoulder. I jump at the contact.

"Can you just look at me?" she whispers. I betray myself by turning around.

She's standing right in front of my. I can see the redness around her green eyes, proof that she's been crying.

She smells like lavender. I know that it's from her shampoo. I used to love that smell.

She takes a step closer and this time I don't step back.

She eyes glance down at my lips and the back up to my face. She takes one step closer. She pauses before leaning in.

I know that I should stop her, but I don't.

She presses her lips against mine softly at first, I think she was afraid I was going to pull away. But when I don't, she deepens the kiss. Her hands are on my hips and I feel a flame beneath them.

She reaches up to pull her jacket and shirt off in one swift move, breaking the kiss for only a second before her lips are back on mine.

My brain is foggy. I feel like I'm burning up. 

When her hands slide under my shirt, I realize that I'm kissing Lindsey and this isn't a dream that I keep having, but real life.

It takes all of my self control to push her away from me.

Her eyes are wide and her lips are swollen, probably the same way mine are.

"No. No."

I take a step back, trying to put some more space in between us.

"This is wrong." I shake my head. "You don't get to come in here a year later and kiss me like everything is fine, like you didn't ruin me."

She tries to grab my hand put I pull away.

"You need to leave. Right now. Get out."

She looks hurt by my words, like she can't believe I'm kicking her out. So when she doesn't move, I become more forceful.

"Get out Lindsey. Right now!"

I turn my back to her. I can't look at her right now.

"Doesn't it mean anything that I still feel this way a year later? Shouldn't that mean something?"

I don't answer. I know that if I open my mouth my sobs will come out. I'm trying to hold myself together so she doesn't seem me breaking down.

She gets the point when I don't say anything.

I hear her walk away from me and open the door. "I'll wait for you Em. I know it's taken a year but I'm still here. And I'll be here."

At that I almost turn around, but I tell myself to be strong.

When I hear the door shut behind her, I can't hold it in anymore.

I crumble to the floor, tears pouring down my face, sobs racking my body.   
  
  


**24 hours earlier....**

Tuesday, 9:30 A.M.

**Hayley's POV**

I still haven't heard from Em when I get to practice the next day.

I've tried calling her but her phone just goes to voice mail. I told myself if she didn't show up to practice, I'd go visit her after.

Lindsey walks in and my mood immediately gets worse.

She looks like hell and that makes me feel a little better. I stand up off the bench, about to walk outside onto the pitch. I don't want to be anywhere near the blonde, when Caitlin and Ellie block my path.

"Hey Hayley, do you know when Sonnett is?" Cait asks me.

I shake my head. "No, and I'm a little worried."

"She just didn't come to practice yesterday and that's so unlike her." Ellie adds. I only nod.

I'm saved from saying anything else by Sinc saying that we need to be out on the field. I take one more look around the locker room for Emily before I head out.

Mark meets us on the pitch to give us the rundown of practice.

"Emily is out today so we're down one person from our normal number. We're going to start by..." I tune out the rest after I hear that Emily isn't going to be here.

Caitlin nudges my shoulder, asking "Did you know?"

I only shake my head.  
  
  


**12 hours earlier...**

Tuesday, 10 P.M.

**Emily's POV**

I'm lying in bed, wide awake unable to fall asleep.

I didn't go to practice today.

When I called Mark and told him I wasn't feeling good, he told me to take the day off. I hadn't missed a single day of practice since I started with the Thorns so luckily he didn't give me a hard time.

I tried to meet with Jacqui today but she didn't have any availability so I've locked myself in my house.

I've been feeling like shit all day.

I run through my conversation with Lindsey over and over and over.

Maybe if I told her how I felt in Seattle it would've ended differently.

Maybe if I didn't move out we could've made it work.

Maybe if I wouldn't have been stupid enough to kiss her that night this wouldn't have happened.

Maybe...

I keep running over possibilities in my head.

I didn't even realize my hand was tracing my scar until I look down.

I force myself to stop thinking about the "what ifs". It happened and it's over.

Jacqui would tell me to stop blaming myself because Lindsey played just as big a role in it as I did.

I throw my arm over my face, trying to block out the thoughts.

I decide maybe a shower would help calm me down and get out of bed.

On the way from my bed to my bathroom I pass a picture on my dresser. Me and one of my favorite people in the world.

The only person who knows the story behind my scar.

I run through the motions of washing my hair and rinsing off without giving it much thought, too preoccupied by my thoughts to realize the water had gone cold.

By the time I've finished my shower, I've made up my mind.

I wrap myself in my towel and go in search of my phone. When I finally turn it back on, I'm met with messages from Hayley, Caitlin, Ellie and a few others. But I ignore them and scroll through my contacts in search of a person.

I hit call before I realize that it's a significantly different time where they are. I bite my nail, hoping they pick up.

Oh the last ring they do and I breathe a sigh of release.

_"Hey, it's me....Yeah I know how late it is and I'm sorry but," _my voice cracks and the line goes quiet. _"I need to leave. I need to get out of here for a little while. Can I-....are you sure? I don't want to bother you...9 A.M. tomorrow? Yes, I'll take it, the earlier the better....No, I don't want to talk about it now, can it wait until I get there?...I'll send you my credit card info for the ticket...No you are not buying it for me....I'm paying you back....No, you don't need to come here and beat someone's ass. That's why I'm coming to you...I don't know how long I'm staying. I'll figure it out later....Yeah, I'll text you when I get to the airport and land and everything else...I'll see you tomorrow. And thank you, for this....I love you too."_

I hang up and look around my kitchen. My eyes stop at an army green jacket that I recognize all too well. Seeing it makes me want to throw up, and I run to the bathroom, thankfully making it to the toilet in time.

After I let it all out, I rest my head against the cold toilet seat.

"This'll be good," I tell myself. Getting away from it all. This is what I need.

**Currently**

Wednesday, 2:12 P.M. in Portland

**Emily's POV**

I reach for my phone from the seat pocket in front of me as the man walks away.

I didn't realize my crying was that obvious until he said something.

I turn on my phone and wipe my face.

"Miss, the plane has landed and everyone else has exited. We need to prepare for our next flight."

I look up and see a flight attendant looking at me and I look around to see that I'm the last person aboard. "Oh, sorry."

I quickly reach down for my backpack that's under the seat and step into the isle. I grab my suitcase that’s in the overhead bin and quickly walk off.

My phone now says 5:12 P.M. so I know that it switched time zones. I ignore the messages flooding in.

_From Hayls: I know that you are at the airport but will you please tell me where you are going? I'm worried about you Em._

_From ElleBell: Are you okay Sonny? You stopped sharing your location with all of us...We're worried about you. Did something happen? Please let us know if you're okay._

_Cait: Dude, you're at the airport? Everything alright?_

_Tobito: Don't run from this. I don't know what Lindsey did, she won't say. But please come back._

_Mark Parsons: Got your emergency request for time off, not sure what happened but I hope everything is okay._

_Linds: I'm sorry._

The last one catches my eye. My emotions are starting to get the best of me, but I push them down.

_Incoming Call_

I smile when I see the name.

_"Hey, yeah I just stepped off the plane....No I didn't check a bag. I just packed a small suitcase...I'm heading towards the pick up now. Are you in your car?...Okay, yeah I see you."_

I drag my suitcase across the parking lot and wave to the person sitting inside the car. I take a deep breath before I open the door, but when I do, I smile.

"Hey!"

I put my suitcase in the backseat and climb into the passenger side.

I sigh and let my shoulders fall back against the seat, turning to look at the person sitting next to me.

They smile and wrap me in a hug.

"Thank you so much for letting me come stay with you."

"Of course," they whisper in my ear.

They hold me for a second before letting go. I know that I must look tired and worn out but they don't say anything.

"It's good to have you here Son."

I smile and finally feel myself start to relax.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii.
> 
> First I would like to say thank you for everyone who messaged me after the last update. You guys have been so understanding and I am so appreciative. I am doing LOADS better. ♥️
> 
> Please don't hate me! ;) 
> 
> Where do you think Emily went and who is she with? 👀
> 
> The scar on her wrist...?
> 
> How do we feel about Linds after this chapter?😬
> 
> Also for the future (not saying I’ll do something in this format again for sure but just in case), was the layout of the chapter confusing to anyone at all? 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think!


	11. Peaches

**Emily's POV**

I wipe my face with the bottom of my shirt, trying to get rid of the sweat that's dripping down my face.

Even though it's September, it's still 87 degrees outside without a cloud in the sky.

It's Georgia, what did I expect?

My feet pound on the sidewalk as I round another corner. I thought running would help clear my head, but it doesn't work and my mind wanders back to Lindsey.

_"You could have told me how you felt instead of never saying anything to me about it."_

_"Shouldn't it mean something that I still feel the same a year later?"_

The look on her face when I kicked her out....

Even after she hurts me, repeatedly, I still can't stand to see her upset.

I'm too lost in my thoughts to realize that the sidewalk sign stays "STOP" instead of "GO" and nearly get run over as a cab driver honks his horn, waving his hand at me.

"Geez," I mutter and jump back onto the sidewalk as the angry driver goes by. My heart is beating at the same rate that my mind is going, both in overdrive.

I shake my head, trying to get myself to stop thinking about her.

'You came here to distance yourself, and it's not going to work if you keep thinking about her.' I tell myself.

The crowd starts walking across the crosswalk and I start to run again.

I turn the volume up and let the music take over my thoughts.   
  
  


After almost three miles, I decide to call it quits and head back. I walk the rest of the way, not in any hurry. I know that when I get back, I'll have to talk about what happened so I try to push it off for as long as I can.

After prolonging my freedom for ten extra minutes, ambling around aimlessly, I open the door to the apartment.

"I'm home!" I yell.

"How was your run?" I hear from down the hallway.

I shrug, taking out my headphones, but then remember that she can't see me. "Uh, it was okay. Georgia is a lot hotter than I remember."

She snorts. "Yeah, living on the west coast will do that to you. Every time I come back from Utah, I feel like it just keeps getting hotter. Living there has made me into a coldblooded animal," she laughs.

I lean against the archway connecting the kitchen to the front hallway. Kelley is cooking- or trying to cook- lunch.

She's got two cook books laid on the counter out with a dozen pots, and the fridge it open.

"Ya struggling there?" I ask with a laugh.

She turns around and glares at me. "No, I can do it thank you very much."

"It'd be so much easier if we ordered pizza," I mutter under my breath as I walk towards the fridge. I grab a bottle of water and raise my eyebrows at her like 'you know I'm right'.

She sighs and throws her hands up in the air. "Fine, what the child wants, the child gets."

I skip forward and wrap her in a hug. "You know you love me."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." She pushes me off of her and roles her eyes, but we both know that she's just playing.  
  
  
  


We're both stretched out on the couch, an empty pizza box laid out on the coffee table in front of us, me stretched horizontal across the couch, and Kelley with her feet propped on the table.

I'm scrolling through Instagram when I see Kelley freeze in my peripheral vision.

"What's up?" I ask looking at her.

"Tobin just asked me if I knew where you were."

Well I knew this was coming. I'm surprised it even lasted a day.

When I don't reply, she asks "Did you not tell them you were leaving Sonny?"

I sigh and let my head fall back against the pillow I had been resting on.

"No," I mutter quietly.

I don't hear anything so I look up hesitantly to find her staring at me.

She hadn't asked me what happened, respecting my privacy. She knew that when I was ready to talk, I would talk.

"What happened Em?" she asks softly.

"Just a lot of stuff, okay?"

"Lindsey?"

I don't answer. I know that if I try to lie, she'll see right through me.

Her eyes darken.

Kelley roughly knows what happened in Seattle, but not everything.

She knows what happened after.

After the season ended last year.

After I came back home.

"What did she do?" she says it so seriously I know that any answer I give her will only make her more upset with the girl. She was already on thin ice...

Of course, I convinced Kell not to say anything to her after what happened. I couldn't let her.

So during the World Cup, when Kelley was cold to her and Lindsey asked me if I knew why Kelley was giving her the cold shoulder, I said I didn't know anything.

Every time I sat by Lindsey on the bus or at practice, Kelley would glare but then hide it quickly. I saw though. She didn't try to hide her true feelings around me.

I remember one day, before the tournament had started and we were training in France I was in my room and Kelley had gone back with me. Lindsey was somewhere else, I don't remember where exactly...

_"How can you still be friends with her?!"_

_"Because! It doesn't matter Kell...I just can't cut her out of my life okay?"_

_"Emily. You’re talking nonsense right now! Do you not remember what she did?"_

_I'd been pacing around the room but I freeze when she says that. I turn to look at her._

_"Of course I remember. I remember every day when I look down and see the scar. I remember when I put my watch on everyday, trying to hide my reminder. I remember when I catch myself running my fingers over it, when I didn't even realize I was doing it.-"_

_"You don't even blame her do you?" she cuts me off, disbelief in her voice._

_"How can I blame her for something I did?" I ask quietly._

_She sighs._

_I know she's frustrated, but I can't just cut Lindsey out of my life._

_She walks over and wraps me in a hug. _

_"I just want to protect you Em, and she hurt you. She still hurts you. And I can't stand to see that."_

_I sniffle, my eyes watering._

_Any time this topic comes up, I end up crying. It just happens. But luckily, we don't talk about it often, very rarely actually since it happened._

I remember asking her to be nicer to Lindsey but it didn't really help much. They grew apart after what happened. Lindsey doesn't know why Kelley suddenly became so distant.

I can't bring myself to tell her that I'm the reason.

I sigh. I know that Kelley deserves to know what happened, especially after letting me run away and hide at her place. Since she's out for the rest of the season because of her ankle, she was home and this was the farthest place away from Portland I could go without leaving the country. Thankfully, she was home and not in D.C. with her girlfriend or else I don't know where I would have gone.

So I tell Kell what happened.

She saw the game on TV but she doesn't know anything that happened after that.

Thankfully she only interrupts a few times.

When I told her about the farmer's market and Tobin hinting that Lindsey liked me, she rolled her eyes and muttered "Freaking Tobin, always meddling."

And then when I get to the part where Lindsey stops me in the locker room after I had gone counseling, she's pissed. That only makes me scared to tell her what happened next.

"So after I ditched practice...she came over and said she still loved me and asked why I didn't tell her that I loved her and she basically blamed me for why we weren't together and said that it should matter that she still loves me a year later and then she kissed me and then I kicked her out and that's how I ended up here, on your couch." I know I'm rambling but I can't help it.

She's quiet.

"And yeah, I didn't tell anyone I was leaving. Well, obviously I asked Mark for time off, I told him it was an emergency. And Hayley found my location and saw I was at the airport and then told everyone else and they've been texting me. But I've been ignoring them. So yeah."

Kelley's looking at me like I've grown another head.

"You just left? Just like that?" she asks in disbelief.

I nod. "Well, yeah...I guess I didn't think I would be bothering you if I came, I'm sorry if I am. I can leave-"

"Noooo. That's not what I meant Em. I love that you came to me. I feel honored that you trust me..you know you never bother me." She messes with my hair, giving me a hard time, but the emotions are still there.

"I just-I feel like you should tell your friends where you are. I'm sure they're worried about you. In fact, I know they are because Chris also texted me asking if I knew where you were. I guess Tobin talked to her...they all care about you, just like I do."

I know that she's right. I know that I can't run from my problems, but it's so much easier this way.

"Can I maybe wait a little while?...I like being unattached to my phone. I think I need that right now."

She nods. "Yeah, of course. I just think you should tell them soon."

This is one of the reasons I love Kelley.

She doesn't push me, she lets me go at my own pace, and she doesn't judge me.

That was one of the things I was scared of....her judging me after what happened. But she never did.

And she respected my wishes when I asked her to keep what happened between us.

Kelley wraps me in her arms and gives me a tight hug.

As I hug her back, my eyes start to water. I hadn't let myself cry since I stepped off the plane yesterday and it's catching up to me.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to stop the water works but I can't keep them at bay.

And I break down.

I'm tired. Tired of pretending to not be in love with Lindsey. Tired of acting like I have my entire life together when in reality, it's all a shit show. Tired of feeling like I'm not good enough.

"It's okay.....it's okay." Kelley lets me cry and cry, until I can't cry anymore. And it's not the graceful, silent tears rolling down your cheek kind of cry. No, this is a full on sobbing, with the hiccups kind of crying.

I don't even try to hide how much of a mess I am, she's seen it all before.

•••

I must have fallen asleep because I wake up wrapped in a blanket with a pillow under my head. I'm disoriented, until I realize that I'm in Georgia, on Kelley's couch. But Kelley is no where in sight.

I reach under the blankets, looking for my phone. I find in in between two of the couch cushions. 

The time says 9:17 and I understand why the room is so dark now: it's night time.

I feel a pang of guilt as I ignore five messages from Hayley, three from Cait, two from Ellie and one from Tobin. I tell myself that tomorrow I'll let Hayley know I'm in Georgia, knowing that she will let everyone else know from there.

I know it's selfish of me...to keep them worrying. I know that Hayls doesn't deserve that, no one else does either. Well maybe except Lindsey.

But what if Lindsey isn't worried about me? What if she doesn't care how I'm doing?...

I shake my head.

'No. Stop worrying about what Lindsey is thinking' I tell myself. 'It doesn't matter what she thinks. You need to stop worrying about her and focus on yourself.'

Instead of getting up and moving to my room, technically Kelley's guest room, I decide to stay on the couch, too lazy to move. The darkness is calming.

The back of the couch is facing the kitchen so when Kelley walks, well she stomps more than walks, into the room a few minutes later, she can't see that I'm awake.

_"Listen, I don't know who you think you are calling, asking about her, but you have no right after what you did." _She tries to whisper sternly but ends up half shouting.

I realize that she's on the phone with someone, and judging by her words, it's a certain blonde. I freeze, trying not to make a sound.

_"Even if I did know where she was, which I'm not saying I do, why the hell do you think I would tell YOU of all people? You're the one that caused this mess.....You need to back the hell off. Let her heal in peace. Don't try to explain your actions to me, I don't care why you did what you did....All I am saying is that she is safe, and honestly you don't even deserve to know that. If you "cared about her" like you say you do, you would LEAVE HER ALONE."_

I her groan frustratedly and something drops onto the counter top. I'm guessing it's her phone because I don't hear her say anything else.

I don't know if I should stay where I am and pretend I didn't hear anything or move to let her know I'm awake.

I don't get to contemplate my options for much longer because I hear her walk towards the living room and I shut my eyes and go limp, trying to pretend I'm asleep.

"You know you're shit at that right?" she says with a chuckle.

I open one eye and see her standing over me, with a raised eyebrow.

I sigh and sit up. She sits down next to me.

"So I take it you heard that?"

I nod.

"Lindsey?"

Now she nods.

Neither of us say anything, both lost in our thoughts. I lean my head on her shoulder and she rests her head on top of mine.

"Want to get some ice cream?"

I laugh, "That was so random Kell."

She shrugs, "I know but ice cream always makes things better."

I check my phone, "It's almost 10, I doubt anything will be open."

She flops into my lap dramatically, "Are you saying that you don't want to go get ice cream with me?" She gives me the biggest puppy dog face and of course I can't say no.

"Fiiiiine, let's go get ice cream ya goof," I push her off my lap and stand up to stretch.

"Yay!" she jumps up excitedly.

I roll my eyes at her but smile.

She grabs her keys and we walk out the door, Kelley locking it behind us.

In the car, Kelley scans through radio stations. I didn't think anything of it until she stops at one playing "The Git Up." I look over at her and she's already looking at me, smiling.

I laugh as she tries to dance. We swerve a little and I scream. "Try not to kill us," I say in between laughs.

"I'm a good driver okay," she says defensively.

Luckily the ice cream shop isn't too far away and we get there pretty quickly.

When she parks she says "Made it all in once piece" with a triumphant grin but I just shake my head and open the door.

After I close the door, I look at the store for the first time. My heart stops when I recognize the _Morelli's _sign.

I didn’t realize I stopped walking until Kelley turns around and is steps ahead of me.

"You good Sonny?"

I swallow the bile that tries to make it's way up my throat and nod.

I must not have been very convincing because Kell walks over to me with a worried look on her face.

"What's wrong?" she asks, concerned.

"Uh, t-this is the place we came after I got released from the hospital."

Her eyes widen when she hears what I say.

"Oh geez Em, I'm sorry. We can go. I should've been thinking-"

I wave my hand, "No, uh this is good. This will be good. I can do it." I try to sound believable but she still looks reserved.

"Are you sure? We can always go somewhere else, anywhere you want."

I shake my head, not changing my mind. "No, I want to do this."

She looks guilty, upset with herself but I grab her arm softly, "Really Kell, I'm okay."

She nods and we start to walk in, memories flooding my brain.

I open the door and a cowbell that is hanging on the handle rings.

_Kelley opens the door, holding it for me. The sound of the cowbell makes me jump, and I look to find the source of the sound._

My shoes squeak across the tile as I walk to the counter.

_My pants, now too big on my body, drag on the ground as I slowly walk forward. I wrap my jacket tighter around my body, suddenly cold._

I look down at the tubs of ice cream and see Kelley in the glass reflection watching me cautiously.

_I see myself in the glass. My eyes too big for my face, sunken in with bags underneath them. I somehow look even paler in the lights. The girl I see looks nothing like me. Well at least the old me._

It takes me a second to pick out the flavor I want so I tell Kell to go first.

_My throat is parched so when I ask a small cone with strawberry, my throat feels like it's getting scratched with sandpaper. I'm self-conscious about the way my voice cracks._

Kell orders and I ask for a cup with chocolate after her. When I reach up to grab it from the man behind the counter, he hands it to me with a smile.

_It takes more effort to lift my arms up above the glass to grab the cone that I would have thought; my body is weak. The sleeve of my jacket falls down to my elbow and the server sees my hospital bracelet. She sees the bandage that I was trying to hide and her eyes jump up to my face. I know that she saw it by the way she's looking at me. Something in her eyes I can't place. Whatever it is, it makes me feel ashamed so I quickly pull my sleeve back down. I can't look at her in the eyes now._

After we pay, we sit in the corner booth, almost hidden from everyone's eyesight.

_I know what she sees. A girl with clothes too big on her body, looking like a mess with a hospital bracelet and a bandage. She's not stupid, she comes to her own conclusions. One that is right. Kelley leads us over to a table in the corner, I don't know if she's purposely picking a booth away from everyone else but I am appreciative._

I eat my ice cream slowly, looking around the store. My eyes land my scar.

_I don't make eye contact with Kelley as we sit down. We've barely spoken since leaving the hospital. She asked if I was hungry and I shrugged my shoulders. She reaches across the table to grab my hand. I freeze at the contact and look up._

"You doing okay Son?" Kelley asks me, a worried look on her face. I nod and give her a tight smile.

_"You know I love you right Em? I would never judge you and this doesn't change that. We don't have to talk about it, you don't owe me an explanation or anyone else."_

My phone chimes with another text, this one from Tobin, saying if I'm safe to please let her know. I sigh and decide to just make my whereabouts known. I text Hayley first.

To Hayls: I'm okay, in Georgia with Kelley.

And then to Tobito: Safe, with Kell at home.

I know that Hayley will let Caitlin and Ellie know, and Tobin will tell Lindsey.

I look up to see Kelley looking at me. I open Instagram and snap a picture of her with her empty ice cream bowl, I add some emojis and post it on my story. Now everyone will know I am in Georgia, will Kell.

_"I-I just don't want people to find out...about what happened." I look down at the table, ashamed._

_"Whatever you want Em, I'll support you in this."_

And she did. She still is.

Kelley was there for me when I was struggling to get back into playing form, staying to help me after national team practices.

I stayed at her apartment until I had to go back to Portland and Kelley made the trip with me, helping me get settled back in before going to Utah. We talked everyday when we weren't together.

Kelley has been by my side, a constant, throughout everything.

As I'm sitting across from her, I feel extremely grateful for my friend.

"Um," I cough, choked up a bit, "I-I don't know if I uh, every thanked you, for ya know. And I-I just wanted to say that I'm really grateful that you were there and you're still here with me. I wouldn't be here without you, literally," I force a laugh. "And thank you for sticking by me and helping me when I was at uh, my lowest."

Kelley's eyes are glossy and she looks taken back by my words. Like she wasn't expecting me to turn down such a serious path, but I wasn't either.

"So, thank you Kell, really." My voice cracks at the end of the sentence and it takes everything I have not to cry.

"Of course Son, you know I'd do anything for you...you're like my little sister."

She reaches across the table and grabs my left hand. My eyes jump to my scar, but instead of panicking or getting anxious like I normally would, I don't feel anything. Just the warmth of Kell's hand.

She gives me a smile and then asks if I'm ready to go.

I nod and we both get up.

As we walk out, I check my phone again. I have a few Instagram notifications, people sliding up on my picture of Kell. I see Sam and Mal's, both asked why I was in Georgia during the middle of the season.

"Crap," I mutter, resting my head against the head rest.

"What's up?" Kelley asks. She looks at me and turns the music down, worried something is wrong.

"Both Sam and Mal asked why I was in Georgia during the middle of the season, and I don't know what to say." I run my hands through my hair, frustrated that I didn't think things through.

"Maybe say you came home for a long weekend? Your next game isn't until next Wednesday and it's Thursday so that would be believable."

"Yeah," I say and reply to my friend, saying it's just for the weekend, not anything special.

A message from Hayley pops up.

_From Hayls:_

_Thank god you're okay. Em, what happened? Do I need to beat up Lindsey? Because you know I will in a second._

_To Hayls:_

_No, don't fight her please. It just got a little much and I had to go. I'm sorry I didn't tell you._

I get another message soon after. 

_From Tobito:_

_Glad to hear you are okay. I know something happened between you and Linds because she's a mess. She won't tell me what happened but I know that whatever it is you two can work through it._

I groan, frustrated with Tobin.

_To Tobito:_

_What if I don't want to work through it? She's hurt me so many times T, so many times. I don't know if that can be fixed._

Before I can even close my messages I see her typing a reply.

_From Tobito:_

_True love always finds a way. _

I read her message once and then twice. Tobin thinks that Lindsey is my true love?

I shake my head and lock my phone, pushing the thoughts from my brain.   
  


The drive back to Kelley's is short. When we walk in Kell says she's pretty tired and is going to hit the hay.

She gives me a quick hug and says goodnight before heading off into her room, shutting the door behind her.

I straggle into my room, not in a huge rush to get to sleep since I had a nap earlier.

I lay in bed, scrolling through Twitter when I see

_1 new message from Linds_

Before thinking twice I open the message.

_From Linds:_

_Em, I'm sorry. I don't think I can say it enough times for you to get how sorry I am. I'm sorry that I freaked out that morning in Seattle. I'm sorry that I didn't give you a choice but made you pretend it didn't happen. I shouldn't have ignored you on the bus and on the car ride back. I was so consumed in my thoughts, scared over how I was feeling, that I didn't even check to see how you were feeling. And I failed as a best friend. I'm sorry I let you move out. I regretted that the second I didn't stop you. I never wanted you to go. I'm sorry that we grew apart, that I pretended everything was fine when it clearly wasn't. I was too scared of my own feelings for you, feelings that were new and fun and happy, but also something so much more. Because it was never just for fun. It always meant something to me. Every cuddle, every bus ride when you would rest your head on my shoulder, every time you would reach for my hand without thinking twice. I said that you could've said something, but so could I. I've liked you for such a long time and I tried to ignore it because we were best friends, teammates. It wouldn't have made since for me to come out and say that I liked you. I was so scared that you wouldn't like me back. I shouldn't have ambushed you at your apartment. I shouldn't have kissed you. Even though it was something I had wanted to do for such a long time. I know you're with Hayley but I tried hiding my feelings once and clearly it didn't go well so this time I'm not going to hide. I like you Emily Ann Sonnett. I like how you always go out of your way to make people smile, even when you yourself aren't having a good day. I like how you can't help but dance every time you hear a song come on. I like how you smile when you see fans and take the time to meet every one of them. I like how you care so much about everyone. I like the way your head seems to fit perfectly on my shoulder and your hand fits with mine. I know I haven't shown you that I like all those things and more, but I want to. I want to point out everything I like that you do. I want there to be an "us". So bad. I know I can't take back what I did, the many many things I did, but I'd like to try to make up for it._

I read the message once, and then twice, and then again and again and again.

After I probably could recite the entire thing I set my phone on my chest, cradling it, and for the first time, I rest my head and let my brain image an "us".

••••

_I'm laying in bed when I wake up and feel a weight on my chest. Looking down I see a mess of blonde hair, breathing in and out steadily. One arm is throw around my waist and the other somewhere under the comforter. I smile when I see her eyelashes flutter in her sleep._

_I try to stay as still as possible, not wanting to wake her but when she starts to stir I know that I failed. She pulls me tighter and nuzzles into me more._

_"Good mornin'," her voice deeper than usual since she just woke up. Her morning voice gets me every time._

_I push the hair out of her face and kiss her forehead._

_"Hi."_

_She looks up and smiles at me. Even though we've been together for a while now, my heart still flutters during these small moments._

_We both get out of bed and start our morning routine._

_When I'm brushing my teeth I see her watching me in the mirror, she's running a brush through her hair. She smiles when we make eye contact._

_"What?" I try to ask but it comes out as more as an "wumph" because my mouth is full of toothpaste. She laughs and I laugh too._

_In the kitchen, Lindsey tries to make avocado toast for breakfast, but she still can't poach the egg right._

_I'm sitting at the bar watching her struggle. On her third try I chuckle. "Babe, do you want me to help you? You're going to use all of our eggs."_

_She turns to glare at me, trying to hide her smile but it fails and a smile stretches across her face._

_"But I wanted to make you breakfastttttt."_

_I get up off the barstool and walks to the other side of the counter where she's standing._

_"I know, and it's the thought that counts right?" I stand in front of her and my hands reach for her waist. My hands rest there, on her hips as she pouts. I raise my eyebrows, both of us knowing that she won't be able to make the eggs right._

_"Fiiiiine," she says and rolls her eyes. I kiss her cheek and smile._

_"Now go sit down and let me make you breakfast." I push her towards the stools, and she sticks her tongue out at me as she sits down._

_I get the egg right in one try and put my finished masterpiece on a plate. I turn to set it down in front of her and she's resting her head on her hands, watching me._

_"What?" I say with a chuckle._

_"Nothing, I just love you."_

_I smile, "And I love you."_

_She puckers her lips like she's waiting for a kiss and I kiss her quickly, but when I try to pull away her hand goes to my neck and she holds me there._

_"Linds," I say, laughing._

_I feel her smile and she gives me one more kiss before letting go._

••••

My eyes jump open when I hear my alarm blaring on my phone.

I reach over and blindly search for it on the nightstand. When my hand finds the sleek case, I hit snooze and the sound stops.

My arm falls back onto the bed and I lay there catching my breath.

I know that I could try to go back to sleep but I don't think I'd be able to, my mind still fresh with the images from my dream.

I touch my lips with my fingers, and I swear that I can feel Lindsey's lips on mine.

"Fuck," I say.

The thing that hurts the most, it wasn't that it was a bad dream, it's that the dream felt SO real that it hurts.

I got a glimpse of what could have been, but will never happen.

I sigh and get out of bed. I can hear Kell in the kitchen as I stumble in, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"Morning sunshine," she says, all too cheery for 8 in the morning.

"Hmph" I say as I plop down into one of the bar stools.

She ignores my bad mood and opens the fridge. "So I was thinking I could make avo toast for breakfast?"

"No." I answer quickly, but then realize the tone of my voice and try again. "I mean, um you don't have to do that. I'm good with like cereal or something."

"Oh," she answers. I can tell she's confused by my reply, but doesn't push it.

She closes the fridge slowly and turns to look at me. "Everything okay?"

I nod. "Y-yeah I'm just not really feeling that this morning, ya know?" I try to smile at the end to show her that I'm okay.

It must be believable because she drops the subject. She reaches for the cabinet above the microwave, where she keeps the cereal when someone knocks on her door.

"Ugh," she says. "Who the hell is here this early in the morning?" she turns to walk down the hallway and I get up to get the cereal.

"I don't know Kell, it's your house." I shrug my shoulders even though I know she can't see me.

I get up and grab a bowl from the cabinet as she's opening the door.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here?"

I pause at the hostility of her voice, the cereal box in one hand, mid pour.

"I need to see her."

I squeeze my eyes closed and set the cereal box down gently.

I know that voice.

I'd know that voice in a crowded room with people shouting.

I'd know that voice in a library with people shushing her for speaking too loudly.

I know that voice.

"You don't get to see her. You're not welcome here!"

"Please, Kelley." Her voice is desperate.

"No. You need to leave NOW."

Without thinking, my feet lead my towards the door. Both of them are too preoccupied with each other to notice my presence.

"Kelley-"

"Lindsey, I said no-"

"It's fine," I say softly. I'm surprised either of them heard me over their shouting but Kelley turns to look at me with wide eyes and Lindsey is looking over Kelley's shoulder, our eyes meet, a pleading look in hers.

Kelley steps towards me, "Em, do you really want to see her? After all the shit she put you through, AGAIN?" Kelley is begging me to turn her away, wanting me to make the smart decision, to put myself first for once.

But it's Lindsey. And she's here, in Georgia. At 8 am .

So I nod. Lindsey lets out a sigh of relief and Kelley looks at me in disbelief.

Kell bites her tongue, not wanting to say what she really badly wants to say. She looks at me one more time before turning back to face our visitor.

"You have ten minutes. And I swear to god Lindsey if she ends up in tears, I will make your life a living hell. And don't think that I won't because we both know I would."

Lindsey gulps.

Kelley glares at her one more time before turning back and walking past me.

I know she's mad at me, but I'll deal with that later.

I step forward into the doorway. "What are you doing here Lindsey?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves!
> 
> If you guessed Kelley, you win an imaginary prize!
> 
> Soooo, tell me what you think!
> 
> The flashbacks at the ice cream shop? Did that break your heart like it did mine?
> 
> Em's reaction to her dream?
> 
> What do y'all think Lindsey is doing in Georgia?
> 
> Anything good or bad, I'd love to hear it!♥️


	12. Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter will talk about some triggering things, I'm going to bold the beginning and end of the topic so if you don't wish to read, you can skip it. 

**Lindsey's POV**

As I stand there in front of Em, I can't help but see the bags under her eyes, the way that she looks less lively than she normally does. 

The way that she just looks exhausted, and not the kind from a long day, but the emotionally drained exhausted. And I know that it's my fault. 

She's leaning against Kelley's front door frame, arms crossed, wearing a torn and ratted UVA shirt that is two sizes too big. I'm assuming she has shorts on underneath but I can't see them, and I can't think about that for too long before my mind wanders elsewhere. Her hair is still in a messy bun, half falling out, so I know that she must have just recently woken up. 

My eyes make it back to her face and her eyebrows are raised, waiting on me to reply. 

"What are you doing here, Lindsey?" she asks again. 

"I-I came to see you." 

She still hasn't moved, her expression unreadable.

"Tobin, uh she told me you were in Georgia, with Kelley. So I came here."

She sighs and runs a hand through her hair. A piece falls in front of her face and I want to tuck it behind her ear, but I know that it isn't my place. And I'm afraid she would hit me. "Did you think that maybe the reason I came here was to, I don't know, get away from Portland? From you?"

Her last sentence sends a dagger through my heart, but I already knew I was the reason she fled. 

I nod, reluctantly. "I kind of figured...after you left and didn't let anyone know. I think Tobin was ready to send out a search warrant." I force a chuckle, but she still has the same unreadable face.

"I was safe. And when I felt ready to share where I was, I told the people who mattered I was in Georgia." She says those words while making direct eye contact at me, clearly sending the message that she didn't want me to know where she was.

"Can we please just talk Em? I just want to make things right." My voice waivers at the end.

My entire journey to Kelley's front door, I was trying to figure out what to say, when I finally saw her. How I could possibly fix the damage that I had done. Mend the broken pieces of not only my heart, but her's as well. 

Of course as soon as I knew she was in Georgia I started packing my bags. 

_"She's in Georgia, with Kelley." _

_I look up from where I'm sitting on the couch._

_"What?" I know that she's talking about Emily, who else would she be talking about? But I want to know for sure._

_"She just texted me." Tobin looks up from her phone._

_I stand up quickly and Tobin hops up after me, grabbing my arm._

_"Linds, just wait a minute."_

_I shake my head. "No. I have to go see her. I let her go once Tobin, I can't let her go again." I say it with so much force that she knows she won't be able to change my mind, so she lets go of my arm._

_"Just, be careful alright? I know it's Emily, but I don't know if she's going to want to fix this." _

_"What does that mean?" I ask. _

_"Sonny is just...her heart is fragile. She feels things so much more than anyone else does."_

_"You don't think I know that?" I scoff. Tobin is trying to tell me these things like I have no clue who Em is._

_She sighs, "I'm just trying to be helpful Linds." _

And then on the flight, which was delayed three times, making me show up at Kelley's door at 8 in the morning. 

_I scroll through the pictures on my phone. Me and Emily in Portland, two games ago._

_Me and Emily at our coffee shop._

_And then pictures from the World Cup show up. So many pictures of us in France. In half of them we aren't even doing anything, just us with silly filters. Some with Mal and Rose, some just the two of us. _

_One of the pictures makes me freeze. The picture isn't anything special, just both of us laugh. Em with her head thrown back and eyes closed, the crinkles that she gets when she laughs her real laugh. And I'm looking at her, smiling. _

_I was stupid enough then to not notice the way I was looking at her, but I notice now. How did I not see it? How did I not know that I liked her? _

_The next picture is almost the same, but this time I'm laughing and she's looking at me. _

_I can almost swear she has the same look in her eyes. _

_But that was months ago. Before she was with Hayley. _

_'Fuck,' I think to myself. I don't know if she's still with Hayley or if they broke up. I guess I'll have to wait and see when I get there._

I didn't start getting nervous until the drive from the Atlanta airport to Kelley's house.

I hadn't thought of what I was going to say yet and we were almost there. 

_"Shit, shit shit." I whisper. _

_"Everything okay miss?" My uber driver looks at me in the review mirror and I give him a tight smile and nod. He goes back to not paying attention to me and I go back to freaking out. _

It didn't do me any good because I couldn't think of anything to say. And now I'm standing here, in front of her, just wanting a single chance to make things right. 

She looks over her shoulder and then back at me.

"I guess you can come in." She pushes off the threshold and turns to walk back into Kelley's apartment. 

It takes me a second to realize she actually said yes before I reach down and grab the handle of my suitcase. 

I'd been to Kelley's apartment before but this time, it feels different. Like I'm walking into enemy territory. Probably because right now, I am the enemy. 

I walk down the hallway and turn into the kitchen. Emily is leaning against the island, waiting for me. I see Kelley on the couch, looking at her phone. I set my bag down, and slowly walk into the room.

Emily looks at me with raised eyebrows, waiting for me to speak. I look at Kelley nervously, expecting her to leave. 

She must feel my eyes on her because she looks up and makes eye contact with me. 

"What?" 

"Could you give us a minute?" I ask.

"And leave you alone, with her? No."

"Kell," Sonny says with an eye roll. 

She huffs and stands up dramatically. 

"Fine. But only because of her," she points to Emily. "If I had it my way, you wouldn't have stepped foot in my house." 

She walks by me and I can feel the coldness coming off of her. I hear a door shut down the hall.

I've had Kelley be cold to me before, actually that's all she's been to me lately. But never usually this cold. 

"Does she hate me?" I ask quietly.

Emily sighs, "Hate is a strong word." 

I nod, understanding what she's saying.

"So, what are you doing here Lindsey?" she asks again.

"I-I had to see if you were okay."

I think she's expecting me to say more but I don't. 

"Well, you've seen me. I'm okay." She waves her hand in front of her body, motioning to herself. 

"Can we please just talk?" I ask, pleadingly.

"Talk about what? You made it very clear that it was my fault everything happened because I didn't mention that I might have liked you. That it's my fault everything went bad and you didn't do a single thing to cause all of this. 

Except you came back a year later and told me you liked me. That you had liked me ever since we slept together in Seattle. That you felt the same way I did, when you knew how I felt about you, and you just let me move out, and feel all those things. When you left me, and I had to go on thinking that I had fucked up our entire relationship, that it was my fault. I couldn't even talk about it because you said we couldn't. 

So I had to hold it in. And then you pretended everything was just back to normal and I had to pretend too. Except I was hurting in my apartment across town and you weren't. But you come back a year later and say you liked me this entire time, and I'm just supposed to open my arms for you and welcome you back. Like I didn't try for over a damn year to forget how I felt about you. Like I didn't have to pick up the pieces that you broke. Because that's what you did Lindsey. You broke me." Her voice breaks and I can feel my heart break along with it.

"I-I don't think I can say that I'm sorry enough times to make up for what I did. But I'm going to try. Because I am, Em. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry that I freaked out when we woke up together the next morning-"

"Why did you freak out? What exactly happened? Because I've gone over that entire night over, and over in my head. I thought about every possible reason why you freaked out. I was worried that the sex was horrible and that was why you freaked out. God, that really fucked up my confidence, thinking that I was that bad. I was blaming myself, but you didn't know that. So why did you freak out? I think I deserve an explanation."

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I freaked out because I thought it would ruin our relationship. I thought it would fuck everything up. And it also made me realize that I liked you. And that scared the shit out of me. 

I think that's why I said we had to pretend like nothing happened. Because I wanted us to go back to before I realized that I had feelings for you. I had a feeling you liked me, but I just wasn't sure if I was ready to accept my feelings for you. And that scared me."

"Then why did you ignore me afterwards? Why didn't you stop me when I moved out? That's what hurt the most, out of everything Lindsey. When you just let me walk out. It made me feel like I didn't matter to you. That you were okay with me just leaving your life, and you didn't even put up a fight for me. Was I not worth fighting for? Because that's how it damn sure felt." 

She has silent tears running down her cheeks now but she doesn't move to wipe them away and I can feel tears running down my face too. 

"Of course you mattered to me Em. You mattered so much to me, and that's what scared me. The way you mattered more than a friend, more than a roommate. I never should have let you leave. That's the one thing I regret the most, letting you walk out." 

I try to get closer to her but she takes a step back. I frown. 

She wants to keep space between us and even though I hate it, I have to respect want she wants. So I take a step back, putting even more space between us.

Em wraps her arms around herself and I can see her start to really cry. 

For the first time since I can remember, Emily looks defeated. I can see the damage I've done to the girl I love first hand, and I don't know if she will ever forgive me, but I know that I can never forgive myself for causing her this much pain. 

"After I moved, Tobin moved in with you and I felt like you were replacing me. Like you could just move on so quickly, and I felt so, so stupid because I couldn't. I couldn't move on from you and it was driving me insane." A piece of hair fell in front of her face and when she goes to push it back, I see a small scar on her wrist. 

I don't have time to think about it because she says, "It's still driving me insane," quietly. 

"I had to work for months to get over everything. Fuck, I still am. I-I'm seeing a therapist now, she helps, a lot. I just can't get over you Lindsey. No matter how hard I fucking try." She says the last part in a pained voice. And I know that it does cause her pain, I cause her pain. 

"You're seeing a therapist?" I ask, my voice going up an octave.

She nods. "Yeah." 

I don't know what to say. 

I caused this. 

"So why now Lindsey? Why after all this time, after the World Cup, after season already started? What set you over the edge that you chose now to bring this shit up now?"

"Seeing you with Hayley....it made me realize that I could of had that. We could of been that. And I know I didn't handle it well-"

"Is that why you pushed Amy? Is that what this was all about?"

I scratch the back of my neck and nod. "Yeah. I don't know what came over me, Em. Just seeing her in your face, pushing you around, it set something off. I got protective..."

"And that's why you said that you didn't want me to hang out with you guys after the game. Because you were jealous I was going home with Hayley." 

"I know that wasn't my proudest moment, but yeah. Seeing her with you just lit something inside of me, I guess."

She snorts. "It took you that fucking long? You do realize that we had been seeing each other since after the World Cup right?"

My face hardens. "No, I didn't know that...But you don't see her here now, do you?"

"Because we aren't together anymore Lindsey, geez. But that shouldn't matter. That's not the point!" 

I freeze. "You two aren't together anymore?" 

She shakes her head no. 

"What-when-why did this happen?"

She lets out a frustrated moan, "Does it even matter? You came and kissed me and tried to take my clothes off when you even thought we were together. You told my then-girlfriend that you loved me at my party. All you've ever been trying to do is come between us." 

"Because we both know that us together," I point to her and then me, "would be so much better than anyone either of us will ever date." 

She doesn't say anything for a minute. 

"How would you even know that? Why should I give you a chance?"

I take a deep breath and gather my thoughts. I know that I have to make a really good point or I could blow this all. 

"Because what I feel for you, it isn't the butterflies or nervous feelings. It's the heart wrenching, 'I want to make her the happiest girl in the world, I want to give her the sun, stars and moon, I want to show her off and let the entire world know that I'm hers and she's mine', the 'I can see myself waking up to her for the rest of my life and starting a family with, I want to be the best version of myself for her and do everything I can to make her proud', the never failing, all consuming feelings I have for you." 

I pause before continuing. "The feelings I have had for you for over a fucking year but was just too stupid and blind to see. I want to do everything I can to make up for the amount of pain I caused you, I know that it will never be enough, but I want to do everything I can to make it right, to show you how much you mean to me Em." 

I'm out of breath by the time I finish and honesty, I can't remember what I said but Emily's face isn't giving anything away.

"And I know that we wouldn't jump right into dating, because that would be crazy and personally, I don't think we're there. But I want to take you on dates, and bring you flowers, and walk you to your door. I want to do everything with you, from the start....And I feel like it's even better because you're one of my best friends, and we already know so much about each other, the things we'll learn about each other will mean even more."

She still hasn't said anything and I'm starting to get a little nervous. 

"I-I mean I get it if you don't want to give me a second chance, or more like a third chance. But I just wanted you to know that I'm willing to fight for you." 

"I think...I think I'm going to need some time to think about it, to heal... I'm not saying no, because I want to give us a chance...I just don't think I'm there yet." She looks at me with sad eyes and I can see that she is being honest; that she wants there to be an "us" but she's not there yet.

I nod, "No, yeah that's totally understandable. I-I get it." I give her a weak smile. 

She nods too. Both of us are just standing there, looking at each other. Neither of us know what to do. 

"Do you want me to leave or...." I point towards the door. 

"No, no. Don't leave." 

I sigh in relief. If she would've said yes, I would've left, but I'm really glad she didn't. 

"You can just stay here," she says shyly. A shy Emily Sonnett is a rare and beautiful sight. It makes me smile.

"I don't know if Kelley will let me though," I chuckle. 

"Kell!" 

I hear a door open and footsteps quickly walk towards the kitchen. "What? What's wrong?" she asks frantically. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Em says apologetically. "Is it alright if Lindsey stays here?" 

"You want her to stay here?"

Emily gives her a pleading look, even I know that Kelley can't say no to that face. 

"One condition," she says looking at me.

I nod.

"We talk."

Emily's eyes widen, and I'm sure mine do the same. I know that I can't say no, or else I'd have to leave. 

"If talking to you means I get to stay and be with Em, then let's talk." 

Kelley's face doesn't change but I can see Emily's soften. 

"I actually have some errands to run, so I can leave and let you two talk now, if that's alright." 

Kelley nods and I shrug. 

"Great. Kell, can I talk to you for a sec?" 

She doesn't give her a chance to respond, instead pulling her into the hallway by her arm. 

Emily's never been good at whispering, so I'm not surprised when I hear her.

"You can not hurt her, do you understand? She needs to be unbruised and not broken when I come back."

Apparently Kelley isn't that great at whispering either because I hear her reply, "Not even one little scratch?"

Emily must shake her head because Kelley whines "Fine" like a little kid.

"But seriously, are you okay Sonny?" 

I turn and walk to the other side of the kitchen, not wanting to eavesdrop anymore. 

I realize that I haven't checked my phone since I got here so I grab it from my back pocket. 

I have a message from Tobin asking me how it went.

I tell her that I'll call later and fill her in.

I look up when I hear them walk back in. 

"Okay, so I'll be back later. You two...try not to kill each other." Emily gives Kelley a pointed look and Kell responds by shrugging.

She grabs a pair of keys off the counter and heads to the door. I'm assuming their Kelley's keys because I didn't see her car out front. 

My eyes follow her as she leaves and when the door shuts, I look back at Kelley. 

Her stare is so firm I can feel it reaching into my soul and squeezing my throat, about to burst. And not in a good way. 

I was only worried about talking to Emily, but I realize now, Kelley might be more difficult.

"Tell me why I shouldn't kick you out right now. Tell me why you think you deserve a second chance from someone as amazing as Emily." 

"I-Kelley-"

"No. I don't think you "like Sonny", she makes air quotations with her fingers, "they way you say you do. Because if you did, if you still do, you wouldn't keep hurting her like this. You're too blind to see the pain you cause her, the pain you keep causing her. And she likes you too damn much to keep herself from getting hurt."

"I know that I hurt her okay, you don't think I regret the things I did? Because I really fucking do. If I could go back in time and change it, I sure as hell would."

She pauses, "I don't think you deserve another chance. I honestly don't know how she can give you another chance after what you did to her."

"Okay, that's enough. You can stop with the 'what she went through' okay? Because I know, she told me. So you don't need to keep reminding me."

Hearing that Emily was in such a bad place that she went to see someone after what happened, crushed me. Knowing that I did that to her, hurts like hell.

**"She told you?" Kelley asks softly.**

The change in her demeanor is giving me whiplash. 

I nod, frustrated. "Yeah." 

The red head closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath. 

"I can't believe she actually told you," she mutters. 

I stand there silently. Kelley seems to be fighting some kind of battle in her mind and I'm not entirely sure what's going on.

When she opens her eyes, I can see tears in them.

"That was the scariest day of my entire life....finding her. God. I don't know what would have happened if I had stopped by, I don't want to even think about it." She shutters.

I tilt my head in confusion. "What are you talking about?" 

Kelley squints her eyes at me, "What happened that night...?"

My face must convey something that I wasn't aware I was showing because Kelley's eyes widen and her face pales.

"W-what exactly did she tell you Lindsey?"

I'm starting to get nervous, not understand what's going on. "That she had to see a counselor when she got back....What are you talking about?"

"Oh God." Kelley's rubs her eyes with the palms of her hands and shakes her head.

"What are you talking about?" I ask more forcefully. 

Kelley drops her hands and looks at me. I see so much pain in her eyes that I lose my breath. 

"Lindsey, I can't tell you. It's not my story to tell. It's hers."

"No. No. Don't do that. What is it that you thought I knew?" My voice gets louder and I can hear the panic.

"Lindsey-"

"Kelley!"

She sighs and runs her hands over her face before nodding, biting her lip. 

"Alright. But I think you might want to sit down." 

She leads me to the living room and I sit down on the grey couch that is sits in front of a normal coffee table. Kelley sits on the opposite side and pulls her knees up to her chin.

"I went to visit her at her apartment here. I still remember everything...It was January 6th so earlier this year. Season had been over for some time obviously and she came back to visit her family like she always does. We had been hanging out whenever we could, like normal."

She sucks in a breath and I nod, asking her to continue.

"I used my key like I normally do and when I opened the door and called for her she didn't answer."

Kelley's POV Flashback

_I walked into Sonny's apartment and yelled "honey I'm home" with a laugh. She wasn’t expecting me but she never minds when I drop by._

_Usually she answers but this time she didn't. I looked around her living room. The tv was off but there was a coffee cup on her coffee table so I knew that she had to be here. Plus her car was out front._

_"Sonny?" I call out. I'm met with silence._

_I scrunch my eyes in confusion and head towards the kitchen. _

_It's empty, but her phone is on the island. Nothing looks out of the ordinary but I'm starting to get a weird feeling._

_"Em?" I call out again. _

_I head towards her room, thinking that she's probably asleep or in the bathroom. That would make sense why she hasn't responded._

_I push her door open and it's pitch black. Her blinds are shut so I have to turn on the light to actually see. I'm temporarily blinded by the bright light but my eyes focus and I see_ _ her unmade bed, shoes and clothes strewn everywhere. Nothing out of the ordinary._

_'Okaaaay' I think to myself._

_My eyes scan the room looking for the blonde but I can't find her anywhere. Her bathroom door is shut so I head in that direction, figuring she must be in there. _

_I remember the way the brass door handle was cold and smooth when I turned it. I remember the creak of the door opening. I remember the way I said "Emily?" questioningly before pushing the door wider. I remember the way my heart stopped when I saw her._

_Lying on her bathroom floor. _

_Her blonde hair was spread out, like she was floating in water._

_She was on her side, one arm stretched out and the other thrown over her chest. _

_I don't remember screaming. But I know that I must have because I can hear it echo off the tile._

_I don't remember starting to cry. But I know that I must have because I taste the tears in my mouth._

_I don't remember falling to the floor, at her side. But I remember the way her body felt limp in my arms when I tried to shake her, begging her to wake up. _

_It's then that I notice the blood. First on the counter and then on the floor. There is also a pill bottle, toppled over. But my sight is beginning to blur._

_I don't know how I called 911, but they showed up at the door and when they came inside, I yelled in reply, saying we were back here. _

_They lifted her up onto a stretcher, talking to each other and trying to ask me questions. But I couldn't hear over the ringing in my ears. _

_"MA'AM."_

_There's a woman in an EMT uniform shaking me when I focus again._

_"Do you know her? Do you know what happened?"_

_"Her name is E-Emily Sonnett. She's- uh she's 25. I don't know what happened, I just walked in and found her laying there." I try to respond but I don't know if the words come out clearly or not._

_The lady is ushering me out the bathroom and trying to lead me to the front door but my feet can't seem to actually do their job._

_"Do you want to come with us to the hospital?" _

_I nod my head urgently. "Yes."_

_The ride to the hospital seemed to last forever as they worked around her but I know that it was only a few minutes. _

_The hospital is down the road. I pass it when I drive to Em's from my place._

_When we stopped, the door to the ambulance was yanked open and everything started moving really fast. Doctors were yelling, people were reaching for the stretcher and I was grabbed by a nurse and pulled in the opposite direction that she was heading._

_"Wait, wait, I have to go with her!" I try to break free from the nurse's grasp but he's not letting me go and tells me that I can't follow them._

_He leads me to a waiting room and saying that they will let me know when I can see her._

_The next 45 minutes feels like an eternity but finally, they say I can go back._

_I didn't know what I was expecting but I wasn't expecting what I saw. _

_She looked so tiny in the hospital bed, with wires connecting to her in places I can't see. I hear the machines beeping and making noises, but other than that it's silent. When I see the bandage on her wrist my eyes start to water again. _

_I pull the chair out from the corner and sit next to her bed. I grab her hand, her uninjured one, and hold it. I let the tears fall as I rest my head on the bed. _

_I'm not a religious person but in that moment, I was asking God to do everything to bring her back to me._

Lindsey's POV

I feel like I can't breathe. My head is pounding and I know that I'm not seeing straight because Kelley is a blur in front of me. 

"No. No. You're lying." I shake my head, trying to get myself to stop thinking about what Kelley is implying.

"Why would I lie about something like this? Do you think I'm that mean? That I would be sitting here, in front of you, telling you this if it weren't true?" The pain in her voice and tears on her cheeks only confirm that she is indeed telling the truth. 

I feel pain all over my body. It's hot and searing, like a fire. I wish it would consume me. 

I can't sit still anymore, so I start pacing.

"How did I not know about this?" my voice cracks as I pause and look to Kelley, searching for answers.

She shakes her head. "No one else knows about this. Just me, that's it." 

"What do you mean?" 

"No one else knows Lindsey. No one on the National Team, no one on the Thorns. I am the only person who knows."

"W-Why didn't she tell us? How could she keep that from us?" I shout. 

"Because she's an adult. And that was her decision to make. The only reason I brought it up was because I thought she told you." Kelley shakes her head in disbelief, almost like she's disappointed in herself.

"I-"

We both freeze when a car door shuts outside. 

Kelley takes a step towards me and says in a quiet voice, "You can not tell her that you know. She has to tell you, okay? Do not bring it up."

I have so many more questions to ask, so many things left unanswered.

**I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything when I hear the door open, "I'm back! Really hope you two didn't kill each other," followed by a chuckle.**

I run a hand through my hair and tell myself to pull it together. 

Kelley takes a step away from me so that Sonny doesn't see us standing so close. I take a deep breath and try to force myself to smile.

When she walks around the corner and into the living room, she smiles, but then it immediately falls. 

"What's wrong?" She looks from Kelley to me and then back to Kelley. 

"Nothing." Kelley says, with a forced smile. 

Emily looks hesitant, almost not believing her.

"Really, nothing. We're good, right Kell?" I go to stand next to the older girl and wrap my arm around her shoulder. She looks and me and nods, her smile still forced. 

I get the message she's trying to send me: pretend you don't know.

So I push the thoughts from my mind and put my attention back on the girl standing in front of me. 

The girl that I care so deeply for. The girl I would do anything in the world for. 

The girl who is so important to me and didn't even know because I was too much of a fucking idiot to tell her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. 
> 
> This chapter was difficult for me to write. Last week I lost someone to suicide. I stopped writing to take some time off and mourn so that's why there hasn't been an update until now. And then when I came back I almost didn't know if I wanted to continue with the story the way it is, with Emily going through what she did. But I am. 
> 
> Please, please know that pain is temporary. Always. If you are going through something right now, please just know that it does get better, I know from personal experience that things do indeed get better. 
> 
> Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 
> 
> If you are going through anything right now and need to talk, vent, just want to chat, please know that I am here to listen. I am here for you. You can always reach out to me. 
> 
> So about the chapter....
> 
> Thoughts? 
> 
> Did Emily forgive Lindsey too soon? 
> 
> How will Lindsey deal with the information she was just given?
> 
> Kelley's flashback, man I don't know about you but my heart can barely take it. 
> 
> I'd love to hear what you think and any feedback you have.
> 
> xxx


	13. Two types of kisses

**Emily's POV**

Lindsey being here...I don't know how I feel about it. 

I feel like I'm in some awkward limbo stage, unsure of what to do or how to act, how much I can be myself.

I know it shouldn't be this difficult, because I want to trust her again, I want to open up to her and make a relationship work, but I'm nervous I'll get hurt again...

She's definitely trying that's for sure, being respectful of my feelings and wanting time.

Kelley doesn't seem to like her anymore than before. I don't know how she hasn't killed her yet. I try to not let them be alone in the same room together.

I pulled her aside earlier, or more like yanked her into my room, when she was walking down the hallway.

She gives me a confused look and asks if everything is okay.

"No, everything is not okay Kell. I am trying here with Lindsey, I'm trying to move on and be happy, trying to make whatever our relationship is work. I'm trying to forgive her, why can't you?"

She sighs and runs a hand through her hair, frustrated. "Because Em, I just can't forgive her for what she did to you. I don't trust her to not hurt you again when she has a horrible track record. I just feel like this might be a mistake."

"If it is then I'll deal with the consequences later. Right now, I really want this to work, but I really need your support in this."

Her eyes soften and her demeanor changes. "I just- I care about ya you know? So I might be a little overprotective but it's only because I want what's best for you. If you think that Lindsey is that, then I'll try to forgive her."

I wrap her in a hug, pulling her tight. "Thank you," I mumble as I feel Kell tighten her grip around me.

Since our talk, Kelley has been less cold, but it's only been half a day.

She's trying to balance giving me space to make my own decisions while also being that protective big sister. 

Later that night, Kelley came into my room before going to bed and we talked for a while. 

She asked how I was doing with Lindsey being here and how I felt about what she said. Obviously I told her everything. I can't keep anything from her if I tried.

We talked for almost an hour before my eyes started to fade and she insisted that I go to sleep, even though I insisted I was awake enough to keep talking. 

I don't remember falling asleep but I woke up with a blanket tucked in around me and smile. 

Even when I'm sleeping, Kelley looks out for me. 

I quickly change out of my UVA sleep shirt and into regular clothes, so really a pair of black leggings and a grey shirt, both Nike of course. I pause when I catch my reflection in the mirror above the dresser. 

My eyes don't look as tired as they did yesterday and my cheeks have some more color in them. I put my hair in front of my shoulders, but then decide to just put it up in a ponytail, frustrated when the blonde locks won't cooperate. 

"It's just Lindsey." 

I take a deep breath before walking out of my room and into the kitchen to find Kelley leaning against the counter with a coffee mug in her hand.

"Morning." I can hear the sleepiness in her voice when she greets me.

I look over into the living room and find a sleeping Lindsey. 

"Do you know if she's staying until Wednesday or leaving before then?" Kelley glances at me over her coffee mug with questioning eyes.

"Um, I'm not really sure. We haven't really talked about it..."

I glance at the blonde again, making sure she's sleeping, before looking back at Kell, "I mean, I came here to get away from everything ya know? To clear my head..."

"Well do you want her to leave? Because I can kick her out you know." 

I roll my eyes and shake my head, "No...I don't want her to leave."

"Well, then there's your answer."

I sigh, "It's not that simple Kell." 

She sets her mug down before placing a hand on my arm. "Son, don't over think this okay? This is a chance for a fresh start. You're in Atlanta, away from everyone in Portland and you don't have to explain anything to me like you would if you were there. You two can just figure out what you want, if you want anything."

"Maybe..."

"I know that you're still unsure, and you have every right to be after everything that's happened, but Lindsey, she flew 2,500 miles to make this right. Go with what your gut is telling you." 

We both hear Lindsey start to stir so our conversation is officially over. Kelley walks out of the kitchen to give us space as she starts to emerge from the couch, but not before squeezing my arm gently. 

I was waiting for something bad to happen, waiting for all of this to blow up. But so far it hasn't. It's almost been...peaceful. 

It's the middle of the afternoon when she asks me if I want to go out to dinner tonight. We're currently sitting on Kell's couch, me on one side and Linds on the other. 

"Like a date?"

I think the tone of my voice scares her because she immediately looks like she regrets asking.

She shakes her head quickly. "Uh, n-no, I just meant, like, we could go get something to eat, not like a date. Just us, like friends, getting food."

"Oh," I say quietly, breaking eye contact to look down at my hands sitting in my lap.

"I wouldn't mind if it was a date," I mutter to myself quietly.

I wasn't expecting her to hear me so when she says "It can be a date," rather quickly and eagerly almost, I'm caught off guard a little.

I look up and find her watching me, her face hopeful. 

"Yeah?" I ask quietly.

She nods and smiles. 

"So then what do you want to do?"

"No way," she shakes her head, "if this is a date, then I get to plan it."

Later, we're walking down a street in a part of Atlanta I had never been to. 

It's almost a downtown scene with its tall buildings and street lamps, modern and brand new, so I'm not surprised when I don't know where we are.

Lindsey parallel parked the car, Kelley's car might I add, on the street and announced that we were going to get out and walk a little ways. 

I had a confused look on my face but Lindsey just smiled and said "Trust me."

When I asked her earlier what I should wear and she said causal, I'm glad I went with sneakers and jeans and not heels or else I would have been unhappy with then uneven pavement and short distance we had to travel. 

We're silent as we walk past shops, office buildings and empty spaces. I'm starting to get nervous and I wrap my arms around myself, a habit I picked up years ago. 

Lindsey turns to me as we're walking and says, "We're almost there. I think you're going to love it," with a confident grin.

She's right when she says that we're almost there because in less than a minute the buildings fade away into a grassy air with a fence around it.

I'm confused, again, not understanding what it is we're looking at.

Lindsey nervously looks at the field and then at me, "We're at a dog park. I uh, thought you might enjoy playing with the cute dogs and then I figured we could get something to eat if you wanted."

I break out into a grin. This is the last thing I expected. 

"A dog park?" I can hear the excitement in my voice and Lindsey's nervousness starts to fade away.

She nods, with a small smile on her face, "Yeah. Is this alright?" 

I nod enthusiastically and her face lights up. 

I take a step towards her, "You know I'd like anything that you planned Linds." 

She gives me a small shrug and looks at the ground, "I just wanted you to like it."

In this moment I can tell that she really was a nervous for this, and that makes me smile. Knowing that she really wanted this to go well and thought it out, shows that she cares.

In that moment I can feel something in my heart. I'm not sure what it is, but I push the thought down for the moment and grab Lindsey's hand, pulling her towards the gate.

"Let's go." 

I lost count of the number of dogs we pet and played with, but I know that my cheeks started hurting from smiling about an hour ago. My hands are sticky from all the puppy kisses and my jeans have dog drool all over them but I couldn't care less.

Lindsey is holding a golden retriever puppy, named Tilly, short for Matilda, that is currently snuggling into her neck. I "aww" quietly but she must hear because she looks up to find me watching her. And Lindsey Horan actually blushes before looking back down at the dog. 

A Lindsey Horan blush is something else, might I add.

I reach over to pet the adorable animal and my heart melts. 

Puppies and Lindsey, what could be better?

Tilly starts to nip at her hair and we both laugh. The owner apologizes and offers to take her back but Lindsey shakes her head and says "I don't mind," before smiling down at the dog. 

I reach over to rub it's ears and we make eye contact again over the puppy's head. She smiles at me and I smile back. The dog paws at her, climbing out of her arms into my lap. I just laugh. 

When pick her up and hold her to my chest, Tilly licks my face. "Aww, puppy kisses," Lindsey laughs. Tilly yawns and lays her head me. We both "aww" as she closes her eyes. 

I look up at the dog's owner, "It looks like someone is getting tired," I say as I pet her with one hand and cradle her with the other. 

I ended up handing Tilly back to her owner, reluctantly, and me and Lindsey both waving bye to the cute dog as they walked away. 

I stand up from where we were sitting down and look around, noticing that we're the only ones left in the park, as the sun is almost down and it's about to get dark.

When I look at Lindsey she's already looking at me. "What?"

She shakes her head, "Nothing, you just looked really cute with the puppy." 

I can feel my cheeks get red and I smile at the ground, not used to her saying things like that. 

She stands up before saying "C'mon, I'm starving." This time she grabs my hand and pulls me towards the gate, but we're leaving instead of walking in. "I found a really good taco place down the street I thought might be fun to try? The reviews were really good and there's a place we can sit outside if you want. Or if you don't want tacos at all-"

"Linds," I stop walking and she turns to look at me, dropping my hand, biting her lip nervously, "Really, I'm good with whatever. You planned this, and so far I've had a really great time, so I'm sure I'll like whatever you pick." 

She sighs and I can almost see the stress roll off of her body. 

"Okay, I'm really excited for this taco place, I think you're really going to like it." She smiles and we start walking again. 

The restaurant was only about a block from the dog park so we decided to walk instead of driving the very short distance there. 

We're both quiet as we walk, consumed in our own thoughts. 

I was worried that this would be weird, being more than friends with Lindsey, going on dates and things like that. But it actually doesn't feel weird at all. It feels almost natural. 

And then I start to worry what Lindsey is thinking, 'Does she feel weird? Is this not what she pictured? What if this isn't what she wanted?'

I wrap my arms around myself without noticing I was doing it it and Lindsey picks up on it easily.

"Hey," she says softly and stops walking, I stop walking too. "What's up Em?" she has a worried look on her face.

"Nothing, w-why would you think anything is wrong?"

"Because I know you, and I know that you're usually anxious when you hold yourself like that." She looks down at my arms still crossed over my body and I loosen them, letting my arms fall to my side.

"I guess," I start to say and then pause, trying to think how I want to say this. "I'm just worried about what you think this is or if you feel weird or if this isn't want you expected or if you regret this." 

I don't realize I'm rambling until Lindsey puts a hand on my arm, temporarily stopping my train of thought. 

"Em." 

I look up from the chipped piece of pavement I was staring at and glance at the blonde standing in front of me.

"I'm not expecting anything right now, I know that we're taking our time and I know that there isn't a set timeline for whatever this is. It's more of a day by day type of thing and I know that."

"I-I just don't want to disappoint you." 

"You can't disappoint me because anytime we're together is never a disappointment. I just enjoy spending time with you."

She has the most sincere look on her face so I know that she is telling the truth. 

"And if that's getting food or watching a soccer game on the couch, I'm more than happy either way."

I nod and swallow down the lump in my throat. "Thank you...for giving me time."

"Of course Em....Do you still want to get something to eat or..?"

"You know I'm always down for food." 

After we eat, with Lindsey insisting to pay, we walk back to the car. 

We're next to each other, matching each other stride for stride when I convince myself to just go for it. 

I reach for Lindsey's hand and intertwine our fingers together. Her step almost falters but she catches herself. 

I can see a small smile on her face but she doesn't look at me.

Her hand is soft and smooth, encompassing mine perfectly. She gives it a little squeeze before she has to let go to get the keys. 

I'm suddenly missing the weight of her palm against my own when I open the car door and slide in. We're listening to the radio on the drive back when one of my favorite songs comes on. 

Lindsey immediately looks at me and reaches to turn the music up. 

She knows I can't resist dancing and soon we're both cracking up laughing as I dance along.

In that moment, with Lindsey laughing next to me, and my stomach hurting from doing the same, it almost feels normal, like everything is going to be alright. 

When we get back to Kelley's apartment, Lindsey stops at the door. 

"This is normally the part where I say goodnight and go home, but I'm staying here too so that would be a little weird if I did that." 

"You dork," I laugh and open up Kell's front door. 

We walk through the hallway and into the kitchen, putting our stuff down on the counter. 

I look around the kitchen and living room for a certain red head but don't see her. I turn around and find her door shut so I gather that she must be in her room.

"I'm going to go tell Kelley we're back." 

Lindsey nods and pulls out her phone, leaning against the counter.

I knock on her door and say that it's just me.

I hear a muffle "come in" and open the door. 

She's laying down on her bed and I can hear some movie or show playing, but she pauses it when I step into her room. 

"Hey," she says looking up at me.

"Hey," I reply quietly, going to sit on the side of the bed closest to the door, the unoccupied side.

"So...how was it?" 

"Do you really care or are you just asking that?" I raise my eyebrow questioningly, thinking that she probably wouldn't want to hear about it, considering her dislike for Lindsey.

"No, I really care Sonny. I care about anything you do." 

My gaze softens at Kelley's words. "It was...good. Really good. I had a lot of fun. We went to a dog park." I can't keep the smile off my face and Kell smiles too.

"Ya? Did you have fun?"

"Of course. We both know I love dogs," I say and laugh.

Kelley pauses before speaking again. "She asked me if I thought you would enjoy going to a dog park....She was worried you wouldn't like it or would want something fancier...I told her that I thought you would love it."

"Thank you...for trying Kell. I really appreciate it."

"Don't get all soft on me now kid," she says with a chuckle. "Now tell me alllll about it." She rests her chin on her hands dramatically but I know that she really wants to hear all about it.

"Did you kiss?" she puckers her lips together and makes a kissy noise.

I feel my face get hot and shake my head. "No, we didn't kiss."

"Oh," Kelley's face falls. "Well do you want her to kiss you?"

"Geez, you don't beat around the bush do you?" 

She shrugs her shoulders, and smirks. I know I should expect nothing less.

"I mean, of course, obviously I want to kiss her. Eventually. But we literally just went on our first date, and after everything that's happened, neither of us are rushing things."

She nods her head in approval. 

"I know you think I'm stupid to trust her again-"

"I don't think you're stupid Son, I just- I have a harder time trusting her than you do. And that's my job, ya know?" She gives me a small smile and reaches for my hand.

"I just, this feels right. I can feel it." 

"That's good! Because if it didn't I don't know why you would be doing this." I scoff and push her playfully. She flops back on the bed dramatically and I roll my eyes.

"Isn't lover girl out there right now? Did you leave her for me?" Kell places her hands over her heart 

"No," I shake my head and roll my eyes, again. "I just came to let you know that we were back. And we're probably going to watch a movie or something if you wanted to join us."

"Nah, I'll probably just stay in my room. Don't want to be a third wheel, plus I don't think Lindsey is all that comfortable with me right now so that might make it weird."

"If you two keep avoiding each other, you'll never be comfortable," I say in a singsong voice, knowing that I'm right.

Now it's Kelley's turn to roll her eyes. "I've got plenty of time to "bond" with the girl." She uses air quotations when she says bond and I shake my head.

"Okay, whatever you say." I stand up from where we were sitting and stretch before walking to the door. 

I look over my shoulder and say "If you change your mind, just come on out." 

She waves me away with one hand and reaches for her laptop with the other, pressing play on whatever show it is she's watching.

I shut the door softly behind me and see Lindsey look up from where she's leaning against the counter. 

"Everything alright?" she says with a chuckle. 

I nod and can feel the nerves start to creep up again. 

"Um, so do you want to watch a movie or something?" I tilt my head in the direction of the living room and Lindsey nods. 

"I think there's a MLS game on right now, do you want to watch that?"

I nod my head, happy that we found something to occupy our time with. For some reason, I was nervous picking a movie, I didn't want to choose one that she didn't want to watch or would be uninterested in. This way, I know that we're both happy with the game.

Lindsey sits down on one side of the couch and I sit on the complete opposite side, putting as much distance between us as possible. 

She tries to hide her smile at my actions but I catch it anyways. I grab the tv remote and put on the game. Lucky enough, it's just about to start.

The first 15 minutes were uneventful, in the game and on the couch. 

"Do you want something to drink?" I get up and head for the fridge, not waiting for an answer. The door luckily blocks the view from the living room so Lindsey doesn't see me take a deep breath and tell myself that it's just Lindsey, and you're just watching a game.

I grab a bottle of water and head back to the couch. This time, I sit closer to Lindsey, almost so that our legs are touching. Not quite though.

She looks at me as I pull my knees up underneath me, and rolls her eyes, opening her arms, giving me a knowing look. 

I smile and scoot closer, leaning into her. 

My head is resting on her shoulder and her right arm is thrown around me loosely as we focus on the game again. 

My left hand ends up resting on her thigh, with neither of us thinking much of it. This position isn't new to us, having done this multiple times before. Just not recently, so I'm surprised at the familiarity and how easily I can slip right back into it.

Lindsey starts drawing patterns on the back of my hand before flipping it over to trace patterns on my palm. 

"Hey Em, what's this from?" 

I freeze. 

I know exactly what she's asking about. 

The scar on the inside of my wrist. The scar that I usually have covered by my Apple watch but isn't covered right now since I forgot to put my watch on before we went out. 

I know that I have two options right now. One, make up some story and never tell anyone the truth, including Lindsey. 

Or two, tell her the truth.

I don't want our relationship to be built on lies, so I know that I should tell her.

I clear my throat and sit up, turning to face her.

"I need you to let me tell the entire story first, alright?"

When she sees the look on my face, she sits up straighter too, a worried look on her face.

"I, uh, I did something." I look down at my hands, the raised piece of skin that sits in a curve, sticking out more than normal. I run my thumb over it, wishing I could hide the pink mark.

"I was in a really, really bad place. In January, after season ended. After everything happened...I know that my feelings were valid in that moment, but I felt like I was drowning, like I couldn't come up for air. I didn't think anything would be the same ever again..." 

I feel one tear roll down my cheek and see it fall onto my shirt. I wipe another one off my cheek.

"Those couple of weeks that I said I was visiting family, well I did for the first few days. And then after that, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was really struggling. I just wanted it all to go away..." I gasp for air, feeling like my throat is closing in on me. I still can't look at the the girl sitting in front of me.

"I don't really remember everything that happened, but I know that Kelley...found me. And then I came back here, with her. She was there to take me home from the hospital. I didn't tell anyone what happened, uh Kell is the only one that knows the truth.

She helped me move back to Portland, and that's why she stayed with me for a week in February, when I said we were just missing each other. I haven't told anyone else because...because I don't want them to think of me differently or look at me like something's wrong with me." 

I look up and see Lindsey with tears in her eyes. 

"I worked really hard to get to a better place, I'm still working on it. It's an everyday thing. But I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I know it doesn’t seem like much but for me it is.”

She grabs my hands to stop me from picking at my cuticles, and holds them in her lap.

"I-I hate that you had to go through that alone, Em. I hate that I wasn't there for you...I hate that I played a role in causing you pain," her voice cracks and the first tear rolls down her cheek.

"No, no, you didn't Linds. I promise.

I'm broken Lindsey. I'm broken a-and I guess that's one of the reasons I'm scared for us to start dating...I didn't want you to see how messed up I really am and then not want me." 

Lindsey is a blurry image in front of me because of the amount of tears in my eyes. 

"Hey," she leans forward and wipes the tears on my cheek with her thumb. "You are not broken, Em. You are far from broken."

I lean into her hand that rests on my cheek. 

"I didn't tell you because I didn't know what you would think. And I haven't told anyone else because I'm still trying to figure everything out...And if this changes the way you think about me, if this is too much for you, I totally understand."

She pulls away from me and in that moment, I'm worried that this is it, that this will be too much for her. 

"Em. I'm not going anywhere okay? I'm here for the nitty gritty, the good stuff, the bad stuff, the in between stuff. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to hide a part of you from me. That includes how you really feel when you're not feeling your best, okay?" 

She pulls me in for a hug and I melt into her, letting her hold all of my weight.

I'm not sure how long we sit there, with Lindsey rocking me, but she scoots her body down the couch and pulls me along with her so I'm half laying on her, half resting in between her and the couch as the tears continue to roll down my cheeks and onto her jacket.

My head is resting in the spot where her shoulder meets her neck, one arm across her torso, pulling her close to me; she's running a hand over my hair and I can feel myself start to fall asleep, drained from our conversation. 

I don't know how long I'm out for, but I wake up to whispering, still feeling the weight of Lindsey's arm around me. 

"How is she?"

"I think she's okay. I'm not really sure right now." 

"She told you?"

"Uh huh."

"She voluntarily told you?" I can hear the shock in Kelley's voice.

"Well...I asked about the scar."

"You asked about it? Dammit Lindsey." 

"I didn't think she would actually tell me, okay?"

"You need to let her go at her own pace. You can't push her."

Lindsey starts running her hand over my hair and I try to stay as still as possible. 

"You better not mess this up or else I swear I'll kick your ass."

"You don't need to worry about it, I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves.
> 
> So...the chapter?
> 
> Questions, comments, concerns? 
> 
> Likes, dislikes?
> 
> How about that as a "first date"? Man, if someone took me to a dog park I would marry them right then and there. Jk...maybe.
> 
> Lindsey and Emily's conversation....the one we all knew was coming. 
> 
> (I'm not trying to brush aside a topic like that, I am trying to tread lightly, while still portraying the gravity of everything. If I offend anyone in any way, shape, or form, please let me know, I promise that is never my intention.)
> 
> Kelley and Emily's friendship is one of my absolute favorites. What do you think about their relationship in the story?
> 
> I hope everyone is having a nice holiday, no matter what you celebrate, I'm sending you all my love. 


	14. All Star Breakfast

**Lindsey's POV**

Em fell asleep on the couch with me after our long day. Even though after the first twenty minutes of her with her head on my shoulder I couldn't feel my arm, I didn't care. 

Kelley came in a little while after she fell asleep. 

I know that she's mad at me for asking about her scar but in all honesty, I don't know if she would ever have told me if I didn't bring it up.

I'm not sure what time it because my phone got lodged in between the couch cushions we're laying on and I don't want to grab it and accidentally wake Em up, but my mind has been reeling ever since Kelley went back into her room.

I didn't have much time to process the information Kelley told me the other day and now hearing Emily tell the story, it's sitting heavy in my heart.

I had no idea...

I can't believe I didn't see it. 

That I was too wrapped up in everything else that was going on to not see my best friend and the girl I had feelings for, so clearly hurting. 

Because of me. 

I still have so many questions, but I don't want to ask them in fear that it upsets her again, which I know it would. I might ask Kelley but I doubt she would actually want to talk to me about it...

I feel an arm tighten around my torso and look down to see Emily stirring. I freeze, not wanting to wake up her. She thankfully stills quickly after, nuzzling further into my side.

I try to think back to January and what I was doing then.

I think I was in Denver with Mallory. We were training for the world cup almost every day so I didn't have a lot of time to talk to my friends, including Emily.

Mal left to visit Dansby in Georgia after two weeks and I thought about going back to Portland for a little while but the Aussie's were all back in Australia for the W League and Tobin and Chris were doing something, I can't remember what. 

I thought about hanging out with Sonny but Kelley was there and I didn't really want to be around her...Now that I know why she was there...

Without realizing it, my hand started running up and down Em's back, and then over her hair. As much as it probably soothes her, it also soothes me. 

This girl, as much as she is silly and goofy, she's compassionate and gives everything her all, 110% of the time, always going the extra mile whether it be for her friends or for fans. She deserves so much, and I want to give it to her.

I don't know exactly how I got this deep with this blonde girl stretched out next to me, mouth hanging out as she snores softly, but I'm not complaining.

I let the tiredness of the day take me but not before reaching for the Stanford blanket thrown over the back of the couch and pulling it over us. 

The sun shining through Kelley's apartment wakes me up. 

I groan, not wanting to be awake but when I look down and see a peacefully sleeping Em, I smile. 

I don't normally get to look at her this close up with her being this still. I can see all of her freckles like a roadmap and I have to stop myself from running my finger of each one of them. 

She hasn't moved much in her sleep, still pushed up between the back of the couch and my body, one arm wrapped around me and the other resting under her head that's leaning against my shoulder shoulder.

"I thought I told you no sleeping together?" 

My eyes shoot up to find one Kelley O'Hara looking at me with raised eyebrows.

I glance down at Em, making sure she's still asleep before responding. "She fell asleep on and I couldn't bring myself to wake her up. We literally only slept, that's it." 

"Mhm." I can hear the disapproval in her voice. 

I roll my eyes. "Fine, I guess it's time to get up," I mutter to myself.

Reaching for Em's hand that's thrown over me, I attempt to untangle myself from her without waking her up. Once I've gotten myself detached, I lift her up slowly and try to slip out from underneath her sleeping body without disturbing her too badly. I end up slipping off the couch and onto the floor but not before letting her head fall against a pillow softly.

"Smooth," Kelley snorts.

"I didn't want to wake her up okay?" I sit up from where I landed on the ground and look at Kelley, annoyed.

I push myself off the floor and stretch, my back cracking when I do so.

Kelley's face scrunches in disgust and I roll my eyes.

"Good job by the way," she says as I walk towards the kitchen. "She seemed like she had a lot of fun yesterday."

"Really?" I try not to sound too hopeful, but it doesn't really work.

The red head only nods. 

I smile to myself, feeling accomplished before looking at the girl sleeping soundly on the couch.

"She doesn't normally sleep late so she'll probably be waking up soon," Kelley says while checking the time on her phone.

I nod before going in search of something to eat for breakfast. Finding the cereal box in the cupboard, I pull it out and then reach for a bowl along with the milk. After pouring myself some, I sit at the kitchen table and Kelley pulls out the chair across from me.

'Oh no' I think, 'this is going to be one of those talks.'

Luckily she just asks what our plans are for the day.

I shrug while shoving a spoonful of cornflakes in my mouth. 

"I don't know what she's planning on doing, but I feel like we really should practice for the game on Wednesday...also considering that we're both missing practice right now." 

"Yeah, how did you even get out of practice to be here right now?" 

I look down at the bowl in front of me, pushing the flakes around in the milk. "Uh, well about that."

Kelley gives me a confused look when I glance up at her.

"I kind of just told Mark I was leaving and would be back by game day...I got a pretty heated voicemail from him..."

Kelley's eyes widen and her mouth drops into an "o".

"I know that I'm going to be in so much trouble when we get back but at that moment, I didn't care. And I still don't. I would do it again if it came down to it to make this right."

I hear movement from the living room and look over to see Emily start to wake up. Her nose scrunches and her shoulders tighten, pulling the blanket in closer to herself before she opens her eyes. She must feel us watching her because she looks in our direction.

When she stands up to stretch, her shirt raises up a little bit and exposes a part of her stomach. I look away before she can catch me staring.

She pads into the kitchen and gives Kelley a hug before pulling the seat out next to me. Her hand runs down my arm as she sits down, I jump at the contact.

"I thought I strictly said no sleeping together," Kelley tries to say with a scowl but she can't keep a straight face when Em rolls her eyes.

"I never listened to anything you said before, why should I start now?" she says with a smirk.

I decide to stay out of the conversation, but smile down at my cereal bowl.

"Good morning," I hear Sonny say softly and feel a foot tapping against my own. I look up, assuming she's talking to me. I'm met with a smile so I know that I was right. 

"Hi," I reply with my own smile. 

"So I was thinking that we both should probably practice a little at least before the game. How would you feel about going to train together? We can go to a local gym that I go to when I'm home."

I nod, putting a spoonful of cereal into my mouth.

"I mean, you don't have to. I just thought that it would be a good idea since we have a game coming up...I don't want Mark to be too mad at us."

Kelley snorts but tries to cover it up with a cough. Emily gives her a confused look and I glare at her from across the table.

"What?" Sonny looks from Kelley to me, sensing that something else is going on.

"Um, nothing. Kelley just had something stuck in her throat, right Kell?"

She coughs again for good measure. "Yeah, I'm fine, just something went down the wrong pipe. I'm good." She waves her hand, trying to brush it off but Emily isn't having it.

"You literally aren't even eating anything...What's going on?" Her voice gets higher at the end of her question so I can tell she's starting to get nervous.

I reach over and put a hand on her arm, "Nothing, really. Kelley and I were just talking about practice and Mark before you woke up," I know that she's not going to be happy with me leaving Portland the way I did but I know that I should tell her. "When I left, I just told Mark I was leaving and he's not the happiest with me right now. That's all." 

Her eyes are as wide as saucers. "Jesus Lindsey, what were you thinking?" she's almost shouting.

"I think it's very clear I wasn't thinking-"

"Ya think?" Kelley cuts in. I turn to glare at her. 

She holds her hands up in surrender and stands up from the table. "That's my cue," walking through the kitchen and back into her room.

When the door shuts I turn back to look at Emily, who's already looking at me. 

"Lindsey I can't believe-"

"Please can we drop it? I would do it again and I'll deal with whatever shit he's going to give me when I get back."

She looks like she wants to say something more but thankfully she doesn't. Instead she just sighs and leans her head on my shoulder saying softly "I just don't want you to get in trouble..."

"I know you don't, but I promise I'll be okay." She looks up at me with her hazel eyes and I can tell she's still thinking about the consequences that are probably waiting for me back in Portland. 

"Didn't you say you wanted to go to the gym or something?" With that, her head pops up and I know the conversation is over.

I probably didn't think this through, just like so many other decisions I've made recently. 

If I did, I would have worn something different because when I walked out of Kelley's bathroom after I changed into something I could work out in, Em froze for a second.

"What?" I ask, looking down at what I put on, afraid my shirt was on backwards. 

"N-nothing." She bends down to tie her shoe and when she stands back up, her face is a little pink.

Kelley walks into the living room and when she sees a flustered Emily, she smirks. "Here are my keys, have fun," she throws Em her keys and winks. 

Sonny just huffs and reaches for her workout bag before heading down the corridor towards the door.

"Okay, what did I miss?" I ask.

"You really don't know?"

"Obviously not, please tell me!"

Kelley laughs and shakes her head. "Nope, you'll have to figure it out. Good luck," with a wink she turns and I get my cue to leave.

"Are you sure that this is alright? I feel bad kicking everyone else out..." I look at the brick building in front of us as Em reaches for her training bag in the back seat and I shut my car door.

"I tried to convince them not to, but when I asked if I could stop by, they insisted." She shuts the door of Kelley's car with her bag in her hand. 

I look up at the Toca Football sign on the wall and a feeling of uncertainty runs through me. 

I look back at her and catch her staring at me. 

"What?" I ask, self-consciously. 

"Nothing, you're just showing a lot of skin." I can see her eyes scanning from my head to my toes and I blush.

"I'm literally wearing Nike shorts and a tank top Sonny." She smirks and runs her fingers down my back before walking towards the door and I shiver.

The look she gives me over her shoulder as she opens the door lets me know that this is going to be a difficult few hours.

I follow her and open the door after she's already gone in. I'm met with a brunette that seems to be a little too flirtatious. Emily says something and the girl laughs, over doing it. She reaches over and puts a hand on her forearm. 

Emily smiles in return but doesn't laugh. Something hot courses through me and makes my blood boil. 

I'm taken back to when I first saw Emily and Hayley together. This feels the same, although more intense. Now it's different because Emily isn't with this girl, she's with me. 

Wait, is she with me? 

"Linds, are you ready?" I'm shaken out of my thoughts and see Em waiting for me. She has a smile on her face, but this time, it's for me not for the girl who's name tag says Jessica. 

I nod my head and walk towards where she's waiting for me and into the gym area. 

She sets her bag down by the wall and looks up at me. "Are we doing our own thing or practicing together?"

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't care." 

She hums, thinking for a second, "why don't we do a little together and then we can go from there?" 

"I'm really okay with whatever Em." 

She nods her head and walks towards the mats. When she passes me her hand runs across my lower back and I jump. 

"Warms up, bench press." I nod my head, going along with what she wants.

"Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?" She looks over her shoulder as she walks over to the bench.

"Uh, I don't care. I guess I'll go first." 

After putting the weight on, I lay down on the seat with Em standing over me, ready to be my spotter. 

Before I start, I look up at her and she has a mischievous glint in her eyes. 

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing nothing...it's just that I think your arms are really hot and I have a really good view of them from here." The lip bite almost kills me, it really does.

I thought it was hot in here earlier, but it suddenly seems to have gone up at least ten degrees and I can definitely feel my face get red.

"Um, thank you?" I ask more as a question, not really knowing how to respond. 

She just winks at me and tells me to start pressing.

Later after we've moved on to other things, I can still feel her eyes lingering on me but I force myself not to turn around.

Emily keeps leaving little touches as she passes by me, whether it be on her way to the other side of the floor or when she goes to get a ball. 

It's driving me absolutely insane. 

And I know she's doing it on purpose, pushing me to see how far I'll go.

When she goes to get her water bottle, her hand dips a little lower on my back this time as she walks by. I grab her hand and turn towards her, pulling her to me. 

Holding her arm behind her back so she's pressed against me I ask "are you trying to kill me?" It comes out almost as a whisper even though we're the only two people in the room.

Her free hand reaches for my arm and she tugs me even closer.

I can feel her breath against my cheek and I know that if I look at her right now I won't be able to hold myself back. 

"Maybe...maybe not."

"I think you're trying to kill me, you wanna be the death of me."

"No," she shakes her head slowly. I can't help but turn to look into her eyes as they stare into mine. 

Her eyes move from my eyes to my lips. 

"Are ever going to kiss me?" she asks, breathlessly.

"Do you want me to kiss you?" I ask quietly, looking down at her lips.

"Of-fucking-course I want you to kiss me." Her eyes aren't hazel anymore, but a darker brown.

I really want to kiss her. 

So I do it.

At first her lips are soft against mine, almost as if I took her by surprise. But then she realizes what's happening and her lips mold against mine. Our tongues fight for dominance until I squeeze her hip with my free hand taking her, which she wasn't expecting, allowing me to take control. 

It doesn't last long until her hand moves from my arm to my back, pulling me closer when I didn't think I could be any more. Our bodies are pushed against each other, mine towering over hers. 

She drags her teeth over my lower lip and I about lose it, my knees going weak. I can feel myself running out of breath but I don't want to pull away. My hand moves from her hip to her face, holding her against me until I finally have to break away. 

We're both breathing heavy and I can still feel her lips against my own when I look into her eyes, only to find them clouded with something more. 

"Now that," she begins still out of breath, "is the kind of kiss I wanted."

I roll my eyes and rest my forehead against hers, letting her arm go so I can put both of my hands on her hips. She wraps her arms around my neck, resting her head against my chest. 

We stand like that for a moment, both of us taking in everything before she pushes against me, stepping back. "Well, we should probably get back to practicing."

"Yeah, probably." A strand of hair from her ponytail fell out so I reach forward to tuck it behind her ear. 

She leans forward and gives me a quick kiss before stepping back and putting some distance between us. 

"Just so you know, I did ask them if we could have the entire place. Because I wanted you to kiss me like that," she smirks and my mouth falls open.

By the end of the day, I'm a sweaty mess and so is Em. 

We've both worked our butts off and it honestly felt really good. 

There might've been a little more kissing in between reps and runs but mostly we stayed focused, or I tried to, but couldn't when she would pucker her lips, asking for a kiss. Of course I always gave in.

I grab Em's bag from her hands as we're walking out, carrying it for her. She looks up and smiles at me, grabbing my free hand in her own. She swings our hands back and forth, almost like a kid and I laugh.

"What?" she turns, still walking towards Kelley's car.

"Nothing, you're just cute." I smile at her.

"Cute huh? I'll show you cute." We've made it to Kelley's car and she pushes me against the side and grabs my face in her hands. 

She kisses with me so much force that it takes my breath away. One of her hands moves to the back of my neck and she pulls me even closer to her. 

"Em" I say against her lips. 

"Hm?" she moves to my jaw, placing open mouth kisses along my jaw line that leave me panting.

"Someone might see us." I have my eyes closed so I don't know if anyone is around but I know that we're in a public parking lot right now. 

"So let them see," she kisses the spot right below my ear and a moan comes out of my mouth. 

I can feel her smirk against my skin and it takes all of my strength to softly push her away from me.

"Em," I look around us and luckily find an empty parking lot. 

"Okay, fine." She reaches down and grabs her bag before standing up straight. "How was that for cute?" 

I roll my eyes and open the passenger door. "Just get in the car."

She laughs, knowing I've fallen for her charm.

Our Sunday ends with us cuddling on the couch, watching some MLS game that I'm not paying attention to because Em is almost in my lap and she has my full attention.

Before Kelley goes to bed for the night, she reminds us that there's no sleeping together under her roof, including on the couch.

Emily and I both roll our eyes, but she replies "yes mother" while I stay quiet. 

After Kelley shuts her door we go back to cuddling, her laying against me while my hand runs up and down her back. 

It's not long before she starts to get sleepy and I tell her that she should probably go to bed before falling asleep out here again, resulting in Kelley getting mad at us.

She reluctantly gets up and heads to her room but only after leaning down and bringing her lips to mine. I'm still on the couch and she's standing above me so I sit up a little to meet her halfway. 

Her tongue is in my mouth and her hand finds a way into my hair. She gives me one more peck before backing away, biting her lip as she goes, leaving me breathless in her wake. 

When her door finally shuts, I let myself fall back onto the couch.

"Jesus that girl," I say to myself.

That night I go to bed on Kelley's couch with that Stanford blanket wrapped around me and a warm feeling in my chest.

Monday comes and goes, we go back to the gym, this time with Kelley so there's much less kissing and touchy-feeling. Kelley works us harder than either of us expected but she says that if we want to be prepared for the game we better act like it.

After dinner that night Kelley goes into Em's bedroom and is probably in there for an hour before coming out. I'm already laying down when she leaves so I peak my head up over the edge of the couch and watch her go back into her room.

Her face doesn't reveal much so I'm not sure what to think. 

But I do know that Emily didn't come back out, even though she said she would come say goodnight. I try not to let it bother me too much but after that long talk she had with Kell, I'm a little nervous. 

Tuesday morning comes around and Emily and Kelley are both awake when I wake up. I hear them whispering in the kitchen from my spot on the couch but then quickly stop talking when they see that I am awake.

The uneasiness makes its way back into my stomach, settling down for a long ride.

I walk into the kitchen and greet both of them. Em gives me a soft smile so I know that everything isn't totally in shambles. 

Kelley announces that if we want to get to the airport an hour before our flight that we need to leave by 12:20. I nod my head, having booked the same flight back as Emily, wanting to travel back together.

"Thanks for taking us to the airport Kell," Sonny says to the older girl. 

"I'm just glad to finally get rid of the two of you," she says but we both know she's joking. 

Emily stands and messes with her hair before saying that she's going to go pack.

Once she closes her door I turn to Kelley. "Is everything alright?" I ask hesitantly, afraid of the answer.

Kelley sighs. "She's just nervous that things are going to change when you go back to Portland."

"What? Why would she think that?" 

"Because after you guys got back from Seattle everything changed." I start to interject but she holds up her hand. "I know, I told her that this wasn't like Seattle."

"Okay, good. I'm glad you told her that-"

"But I swear Horan, if you fuck this up, if you thought how I was before was bad, you won't know what's coming. She acts a lot tougher than she actually is. And she acts like she's put together all the time too, if you're in this, then you need to be the person she can let her guard down with." 

"Kelley, I thought we got passed this," I say with a sigh. "I'm here to stay. I'm going to be here for the good parts and the bad parts. I know right now she isn't necessarily sharing the bad parts with me because she doesn't trust me enough yet, but I know that we'll get there." 

She doesn't say anything, just looks at me. Luckily Emily walks back out before either of us can continue the conversation. 

"Do you guys want to get some food before we head to the airport?" Her tone is so hopeful that I would say yes to anything she asked for right now. 

"Sure," I say, looking at Kelley who nods.

"Do you have any place in mind?" I ask Em.

She smiles, one of her nose wrinkling, eyes crinkling smiles. The one she only smiles when she's truly happy.

Kelley drives us, following Sonny's directions. The drive is only about ten minutes so it's not bad. 

When we pull up outside of Waffle House, she looks back at me from where she's sitting in the passenger seat and smiles again. 

I can only shake my head and laugh. Of course. 

She almost has a skip in her step as we walk towards the door and I smile.

I know that the fans think she really likes Waffle House but her love for it is not exaggerated at all. 

We're taken to a booth and I sit down first on one side and Kelley sits down on the other. I really thought Em would sit with Kelley but she slides in next to me. 

She doesn't need a menu because she already knows what she wants: the All Star Breakfast, with sausage not ham so she helps me pick out something that I want. 

I end up getting a pecan waffle only, much to Em's dismay. 

After the waiter takes our order, she scoots a little closer to me so our thighs are touching. I try not to let it phase me but I can feel my cheeks start to get hot. 

Kelley is talking to Sonny about something, I wasn't really paying attention, too focused on the way her leg felt against mine, when she leans her head on my shoulder. Kelley pauses mid-sentence, caught off guard by the action but quickly continues. 

She stays like that until our food comes, sitting up excitedly. 

Somehow, some way, the small blonde next to me eats every single thing on her plate when I barely finished my waffle. 

We have some time before we have to head back to Kell's apartment to get our bags so we sit there talking for a little while. 

Kell brings up our game and the conversation flows easily. 

I feel something move under the table and am met with Em's cold hand reaching for my own. She interlocks our fingers, giving my hand a squeeze and smiles at me when I look at her. 

Kelley can't see what happened but she can sense the shift in the mood. She gives me an approving nod when Emily isn't looking.

When Kelley drops us off at the airport later, I pretend to be messing with my bag to give her and Emily a second to say goodbye. 

When they separate from their hug, Kelley steps towards me while Em stays back a little. She goes in for a hug and I feel obligated to return it, wrapping my arms around her.

"Don't fuck this up," I hear her whisper in my ear. 

When she pulls back she has a serious look on her face. I nod in response, getting her message loud and clear.

I grab my suitcase handle and look at Em. She nods, saying that she's ready and we head into the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport.

Neither of us are checking a bag so we head straight to the security line.

Only a few people recognize us and of course we stop and take pictures. 

Em is pretty quiet as we walk to gate E14 and hasn't really said much since Kelley dropped us off and it's starting to make me nervous. 

I pointed out that our gate was her number, she gave me a half smile.

We're sitting at our gate, waiting to be called to board when I ask if everything is okay. 

"Yeah yeah, I'm fine." She brushes it off in such a way that I know she isn't, but I figured that she's not ready to talk yet.

We board first, courtesy of being in first class. 

I take the window and she takes the aisle, like we always do. Em has never liked sitting by the window and ever since I first learned that years and years ago, I always take the window seat so she doesn't have to.

The rest of the plane boards and we take off shortly after. 

I reach for my AirPods from my backpack when I see that Emily is holding her arms across to chest. I know that something is wrong. 

"What's wrong Em?" I ask softly. 

She turns to look at me and her eyes are glassy. My face falls, knowing that she is this upset and hasn't said anything yet. 

"Hey," I reach forward, taking her cheek in my hand. "Whatever is bothering you, you can tell me." 

She closes her eyes, taking a deep breath before speaking.

"I just don't want things to go back to how they were when we get back to Portland." 

"Em, look at me babe." She opens her eyes and I can see her fighting off her emotions when her lip quivers. "The only way things are going to change when we get back to Portland is that we're going to be home. And playing soccer. We're still going to be us, I'm still going to want to take you on dates," I lean forward, crossing the armrest that separates our two seats, lowering my voice before saying, "and still want to kiss you like crazy whenever we're together." 

She leans forward, and brushes her lips against mine. 

This time, I don't care who sees. My thumb rubs her cheek before holding her jaw. 

"We're going to be okay," I say in between kisses. 

She reaches down to pull up the armrest, wanting to be closer together. 

She struggles to pull it up before I do it for her, laughing as she blushes. She loosens her seatbelt and nuzzles her face into the crook of my neck, her nose cold against my skin but I don't care. 

I wrap my arm around her back, holding her close. 

There isn't anyone else in first class except for woman in the first row and we're in the fifth, plus the flight attendant closed the curtain so no one behind us can see us right now. 

I don't know who falls asleep first but I'm woken up by the drink cart being pushed by us. 

When the flight attendant sees that I'm awake, he asks me if I want anything. 

"Just water for the both of us please." He nods, handing me two bottles of water.

I thank him and he opens the curtain before walking through, closing it again. 

I hit the screen on the seat in front of me with my free hand and it says 4 hours and 15 minutes left in the flight.

I sigh and look down at the girl still sleeping on my shoulder. 

"We're going to be okay," I say again to myself. 

"Ladies and gentlemen we have begun our descent into Portland International Airport. Please put all tray tables and seatbacks in the upright position as we prepare for landing. Thank you." 

"Em," I softly shake the blonde still sleeping. 

She opens her eyes slowly, rubbing them with the back of her hand.

"We're about to land, you've got to get up."

"We're already there?" she asks, yawning.

I chuckle, "yeah, you slept through almost the entire flight." 

She frowns. "I'm sorry Linds, I didn't mean to."

I grab her hand, "It's really not a big deal, I caught up on a few movies. Plus you didn't snore too loud," I wink.

Her mouth drops open like she can't believe I just said that. 

"Kidding." I give her a quick kiss before she can say anything and she smiles when I pull away.

"That wasn't nice." She pretends to pout, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I was kidding, I swear," I cross my fingers over my heart, making an x. 

Her smile breaks through her pout and I know that I'm forgiven.

"Hey, we're going to be okay, alright? We're in this together." I grab her hand to hold and kiss the back of it, not letting go either. 

She gives me a small smile, and nods but the kiss on her hand isn't enough because she leans towards me and our lips meet. 

It isn't a passion filled kiss, or a hot and steamy one, but a small, quick one. 

"In this together," she says, leaning her forehead against my own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves. 
> 
> I hope everyone had a great holiday and has/had a happy new year! 
> 
> On to the chapter...
> 
> They're back in Portland, I wonder what challenges they could face...
> 
> Do you guys think Em is right to be anxious about things being similar to what happened after Seattle?
> 
> Favorite part? 
> 
> Predictions on what will happen next?
> 
> I hope everyone has a great rest of their holiday!
> 
> xx


	15. Portland

**Emily's POV**

Lindsey had to help me with my suitcase from the overhead bin because it got shifted in the flight, being pushed back so far that I couldn't reach it.

She teased me the entire time and on our walk off the airplane. "I just think it's cute that you can't reach things and you need my help." She laughs and I glare at her as we head to the passenger pick up line.

Luckily the airport isn't that crowded for a Tuesday afternoon. We pass a couple of Timbers posters followed by a few Thorns ones, welcoming us to Portland.

Her step falters when she sees her poster.

The poster that I know she absolutely dreads seeing.

When the Thorns staff told her that PDX wanted to have a poster of her in their airport, she was so excited. I knew that Lindsey had become almost a face for the Thorns, similar to how Tobin is, but she never believed me when I told her; this only confirmed it.

I remember her sending me previews of the pictures they had taken. She was in our home kit, hair in a sleek ponytail, with the most un-Lindsey like glare I had ever seen. We laughed about it afterwards when I said I had never seen her make that face before.

The pictures she saw and the finished product were not the same. 

I figured they would have edited the picture a little at least, for lighting purposes. But no. They edited her entire body. The Lindsey hanging up had skinner arms, a smaller torso, and wasn't as tall.

She doesn't talk about her insecurities often, but when she does, it's about how she feels too big, too wide like she isn't skinny enough. And each time I try to get her to believe that she isn't any of those things.

It was almost like whoever edited the picture knew exactly what she was most self-conscious about and decided to edit those parts.

We had stopped in front of the poster without realizing it, Lindsey looking up at it and me trying to read her.

"I hate it," she says quietly.

I swear I can hear my heart shatter.

"I think you look really intimidating in it, but I like this version of you the most," I grab her hand softly and squeeze it. "They shouldn't have done that to your picture, they didn't need to in the first place."

"Well clearly someone thought I looked better that way than how I actually looked-"

"Some dumbfuck with a computer doesn't get to decide how you look best." Her eyes finally find mine and I know that I look angry. I am angry. "Linds-"

"Can we just go, please? I don't want to look at this anymore." The pleading in her voice and the look of hurt in her eyes would make me do anything, I would go to the ends of the earth to make sure she never hurt like that again.

So I nod and we keep walking.

I don't tell her how I hate the poster too. How I hate that anyone in the world would think she isn't perfect the way she is. How I hate that anyone would ever make her less of what she is, a world-class athlete, an incredible human being.

Walking through the automatic doors, we're met with the chilly air that Portland is known for. Neither of us has on jackets but we soon find Tobin parked up a little way, leaning against her Jeep. She waves when she sees us.

The car ride almost feels awkward. Lindsey sits in the front seat and I'm left to sit in the back. It's just a short drive but I already miss her sitting next to me.

Tobin is saying something to Lindsey, and I'm not really paying attention, looking out the window when my phone buzzes.

_From Linds:_

_i miss you_

I smile down at my phone, not wanting to look up at her, knowing she's already trying to keep a straight face,

_To Linds:_

_i miss you more._

"Son."

I look up to find Tobin's eyes on me in the rearview mirror.

"I asked if you wanted me to drop you off at your apartment or..." She trails off at the end, not wanting to assume that I'd be staying over with Lindsey at their place.

"Oh, uh, you can drop me off at my place." I blush, embarrassed that she had to ask me twice, and because she thought that I might be spending the night. With Lindsey. At their apartment.

I see her raise her eyebrows but she doesn't question it, only nodding her head and focusing on the road. My eyes flicker over to Lindsey who almost seems upset about something, staring out the window.

I look back down at my phone, expecting a text from her but disappointed when I don't see one.

_To Linds:_

_i should've asked...but is Noodle House okay for dinner?_

I can hear her phone vibrate from where I'm sitting but she doesn't check it right away.

I'm suddenly worried that something has changed since we've gotten back. I know that she can see me watching her, waiting for her to check her phone but she still takes a few minutes before looking.

_From Linds:_

_?? why would it matter what i want? i thought you were going back to your place_

And it clicks into place. She thought I was going to my house and she was going back to hers. I mean, I probably should've asked if she wanted to come over but I feel like I already know the answer.

_To Linds:_

_well i wanted you to eat it with me silly_

Her shoulders relax and I know that I was right.

_From Linds:_

_idk. i might be a little sick of you by the time we get there_

I roll my eyes at her and begin to type out my response.

_To Linds:_

_i might find some way to...convince you to stay_

I look up from my phone just in time to see Lindsey go bright red and lock her phone quickly before setting it down in her lap. I chuckle and see the back of her ears start to turn pink.

"Are you guys sexting in my car? Because if you are that's nasty." Tobin looks over at Lindsey with a glare.

Lindsey snaps her head to look at Tobin with wide eyes, like a deer caught in headlines and I can't help the laughter that comes out of me. "No! We are NOT sexting, oh my gosh!"

"Mhm sure," she says skeptically, her eyes going back towards the road.

"Babe it's okay, she does it all the time with Christen, I don't know why she's acting like she doesn't."

At this point, Tobin begins to turn red and my eyes widen when I realize that I called Lindsey babe in front of some else.

Luckily, we pull up outside my apartment building before anyone can comment further.

"Thanks for the ride T," I say, patting the back of her headrest softly before opening the car door. As I open the back to her Jeep, I can hear Lindsey say that she's going to stay with me for a little while longer. I shut the trunk right as Tobin begins to say something so I don't get to hear what was said, but Lindsey hops out so I know that it wasn't bad.

She grabs the suitcase handle from my hand and I shift the backpack to hang more comfortably over my shoulder. Tobin drives off with another wave and before either of us move, I step forward and press my lips against hers.

She's caught off guard at first but I feel her melt against me. The kiss isn't hurried. It's not passionate, or steamy.

My hand instinctively moves to rest on her hip and I give a quick squeeze before she pulls away to put some space in between us. "Let's get inside, ya?"

I reach for my key as we make it to my door and for some reason I'm hesitant.

Hesitant because the last time I was here with the same blonde, things ended very badly. So badly that I couldn't stand to be in the same place and ran away to the other side of the country.

But it's different this time. And I can feel that as I slot the key in the lock and push the door open. 

I head on inside and straight for the counter to put my backpack down on. "You can just leave the suitcase by the door Linds," I say before turning to find her. She's still got her hand on the handle but she's only made her way through the entryway by a few feet.

Her eyes are fixed on the army green jacket that's laying on the floor. I walk over and pick it up, setting it on the couch before walking over to where she is standing.

My hand rests on her forearm and the other on her hip, and she still isn't looking at me.

"Hey," I say softly, "it's okay."

I can see her inner thoughts battling it out in her head, deciding which one gets to speak first.

I know that we haven't really talked all that much about what happened here that night when she came to my apartment. Heck, it seems like we haven't really talked about what happened at all.

And that needs to change if we want to make this work.

She starts to open her mouth like she wants to say something but nothing comes out.

"Why don't we order some take out and then we can talk okay?" My hand is running up and down her arm, trying to be as gentle as I can be when she finally looks at me, nodding.   
  
  


Twenty minutes later we're nestled into my couch, Lindsey's feet are stretched out and mine are tucked under myself. We both have a take out box in our hands and then more on the coffee table.

We fall into a comfortable silence, both of our heads are elsewhere at the moment.

The box of kung pao chicken feels heavy in my hands and I know that I need to start this conversation if I want it to happen tonight. I sigh and set the box down in my lap.

Lindsey turns to look at me and when she seems me not eating anymore, she puts her box of lo mein on the table. "Let's talk. You said you were worried about things being different when we got back, let's start there."

I nod my head slowly. "I-I don't want things to go back to how they were before Georgia...I'm scared that now that we're back in Portland, it'll be like nothing ever happened..."

Out of habit, I started to pick at my cuticles on my fingers, avoiding eye contact with the blonde sitting in front of me.

"I don't want things to go back to how they were either. Em," she pauses and my eyes dart up to hers. "I can't apologize enough for what happened, for how I treated you, how I hurt you, but I'm going to try. I want this to work and I want to do whatever for it work."

I open my mouth to reply but she keeps talking. "I'm sorry to that I walked away from you. I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you or to myself. I know that if I would've just owned up to how I was feeling I could've saved both of us all this pain," her voice cracks and my heart cracks along with it.

I've seen Lindsey win the NWSL championship, score a goal in the World Cup, be amazing at everything she's ever done, but I'd never seen her so delicate she is right now.

I take both of her hands in mine, holding them in my lap. "Linds, I don't want you to blame yourself for everything that's happened. Both of us played a part in everything that went down. I should've said something, when I knew how I felt....but we can't go back in time. So let's just make the most of what we have now, okay?"

Instead of answering my question, one of her hand reaches for my face and presses her lips against mine, hurriedly.

This kiss isn't slow and soft like the other one. I can feel the desperation and the emotion almost seeping out of her. When I tried to pull away, she holds me against her lips. I feel her lips pull into a smile and I can't help but do the same.

We break apart but instead of scooting back, Lindsey leans her head into the crook of my shoulder, her nose cold against my skin. One of my hands finds her back and I start to run my hands up and down methodically.

I don't know how long we sit there, both of us content in the silence before Lindsey's phone chimes. She sighs, untangling herself from me to go check it. I use this moment to check my own phone.

_One new message from Hayls_

_Are you home yet? Can I come over?_

I look up to see Linds resting her hip against the counter, her thumbs typing something on her phone.

_To Hayls:_

_Not right now. Later._

I lock my phone and slip it back in my pocket, standing up to stretch.

"Tobin asked if she should wait up to come get me or if she should just go to bed."

"Oh," I pause, my arms outstretched over my head, "well I mean I can take you home if you want, or if you want to stay here you can." I try to make my voice nonchalantly, even adding in a shrug.

She doesn't see me, too focused on the tiny machine in her hand.

"No, I think I'll probably head home soon....That way I can go to practice with Tobin like normal."

The way she says "like normal" has me freeze.

Normal. Like before everything. Like before we were anything.

We never talked about what our relationship was, if you could even call it a relationship. We never decided on whether or not we were officially together, if we were going to tell people.

Maybe this is her way of telling me that...

But I need to know. So I ask her.

"We're like, a thing right?" I hate how fragile the words sound coming out of my mouth. I hate that I feel scared and unsure about what's going to happen.

Her head snaps up to look at me, confusion in her eyes. "What?"

I swallow the nerves that are trying to make their way up my throat and repeat the question. "Are we a thing?"

A frown appears between her eyes, a little v forming when her face wrinkles. "I mean, I thought we were?" The confusion in her voice matches the look on her face.

"I didn't want to assume anything..." She sets her phone down on the counter and takes a step towards me.

"I wouldn't have gone to Georgia if I didn't want to be a thing." It almost sounds condescending, the way she says it.

"Okay, well when you said that Tobin would take you in like normal, it almost sounded like you didn't want me to give you a ride because you didn't want to be seen with me." I know I sound defensive but I don't care right now.

"I didn't mean it like that," she says with a sigh.

"Then how did you mean it?" My voice comes out as a whisper.

Lindsey runs a hand through her long blonde hair and closes her eyes, taking a second. "I want to be with you Em, so bad. But...I don't know if I'm ready for the world to know...This is me like, coming out to everyone. You're already out, everyone already knows...People don't know that I like girls..." She sounds hesitant, scared almost.

I guess I never really considered Lindsey not being out yet, because I already knew she was. I forgot that the world doesn't know. 

"I just, I don't know if I'm ready for people to know yet..."

I let my insecurities think that this was about me when in reality, it wasn't at all. 

"That's okay. That's totally fine," I meet her half way in between the kitchen and the living room, needing to be close to her.

I know that I can't make Lindsey come out, nor can I be upset that she isn't ready to come out yet. I know deep down I'm a little disappointed, wanting to be open about our relationship, but I push that away.

The last thing I want is for Lindsey to feel like she's being forced to come out. Because that is the absolute fucking worst, knowing from past experience, so I decide to do everything in my power to avoid that from happening to her.

My arms wrap around her back, pulling her close to me. "We don't have to tell anyone or do anything you aren't comfortable with okay?" One hand finds her chin, lifting it up so she's looking at me, instead of the floor.

She's biting her lip nervously, "I just don't want you to think I'm ashamed of you...of us. Because I'm not, I swear-"

I shake my head, "Linds, I know you're not, okay?"

She still looks hesitant. "I-"

I shake my head again, leaning in slowly, "it's okay" I whisper, our lips almost brushing.

"Are you sure?"

I nod my head and finally press my lips against hers.

I don't want Lindsey to worry about that. I want her to be ready to share who she is with the world whenever she's ready.   
  
  


Later when I'm outside of her apartment building at almost 11 o'clock , she kissed me again before she opened the car door. My hand was on her cheek, her hand around the back of my neck. I can tell she's still anxious about things but I'm hoping she's feeling better after we talked. 

I think I'm probably going to text Tobin, maybe she can talk to her too.

"I'll see you tomorrow, ya?" She's already opening the door and climbing out, her army green jacket in her hands. She pauses before shutting the door, smiling at me.

She nods before saying goodnight, shutting the door after. I wait for her to make it inside the apartment complex, and she turns to look at me before opening the door.

I don't think she can actually see me inside the car, but when she blows me a kiss, I catch it and place it over my heart.

I start the car again and before I put it in drive, my phone pings with a text.

_From Hayls_

_???_

I quickly reply "not tonight" before starting a message to Tobin.

_To Tobito:_

_Hey...Linds is kind of upset. She said that she wasn't ready for us to be public yet bc she's not out and I told her I was totally okay with that bc I want her to be comfortable, but she still didn't seem happy about it. I don't really have advice her for about coming out bc I didn't have a choice, I hate to ask but can you maybe talk to her? I don't want her to feel like she has to come out, but I just want her to talk to someone who had a good experience. _

_From Tobito:_

_Of course. I'll just try to like bring it up and then go from there._

_To Tobito:_

_Thanks T_

Putting my car into drive, I head home with my chest a little lighter.   
  
  
  
  
  


When I wake up the next morning I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks, not having been waking up this early lately but I get up anyways. I know that it's game day and need to get going.

With my soccer bag packed, I head out the door locking it behind me. I'm almost to my car when my phone starts to ring.

_Incoming call from Hayls_

I sigh and hit accept.

_"What's up?" _I ask, getting straight to the point.

_"Will you come pick me up?"_

I roll my eyes, _"Why can't you just drive yourself?" _I've got one hand holding the phone to my ear with my bag in the other, trying to get my keys from my pocket. I fumble and almost drop my phone before resting it in between my shoulder and ear.

She groans. _"Just come pick me up Son."_

_"Fineee. I'll be there in five." _

I hang up before she responds and finally put my stuff in my car.

I type out a reply to Lindsey's good morning message, telling her I'll see her at the stadium when I get there, adding a heart emoji at the end.

The drive to Hayley's is short and I text here when I get there. A minute later I see her coming out with her bag on her shoulder. She smiles when she slides into the passenger seat.

She reaches over the console and wraps her arms around my shoulders. "I missed youuuuu!"

I roll my eyes but smile, trying to push her off of me. "Yeah, yeah. Get off of me."

She finally lets go before settling into the seat. "It's time you talk. Because I'm still pissed at you. But I'm glad you're back." She gives me a look, eyebrows raised.

"I know, I know...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have just left like that but, I had to go." I lean my head against the driver side window, my eyes closed.

"Sonny, what happened?" she asks quietly. "I know that something happened after your appointment with Jacqui because I knew you were coming to the stadium, and then you never showed up. Next thing I know, you're at the airport and then I find out you're in Georgia with Kelley? I know that you were going through stuff but you-you can't just leave like that okay?"

I open my eyes to find her looking at me, the hurt clear in her eyes.

I know it sounds selfish, but I never thought about what would happen to the people I didn't tell. I reach over and grab her hand, squeezing it softly. "I'm sorry Hayls."

She gives me a small nod, "Just don't do it again okay?"

I smile, "I won't I promise."

"Good. Now tell me what the fuck happened."   
  
  


I give Hayley the full rundown as we drive to the stadium, from Lindsey coming to my apartment up until when I dropped her off last night.

"Wait so she doesn't want you guys to be public? So like, you aren't telling people you're dating?" Her eyes scrunch up in confusion.

I shake my head. "She's not out yet. I guess I forgot she wasn't since we had slept together but yeah. I don't want to like, force her to come out because I would never want to do that to someone."

Hayley's face falls. I've told her what happened to me so she knows how strongly I feel about this. "I know you don't Sonny...I just feel like it's got to be hard hiding your relationship, don't you think?"

I shrug. "I mean, it's Lindsey. I'd give her anything she wanted."

"I _know._ That's exactly what I'm saying...I just don't want you to get hurt."

I look over at her as we're sitting in the Providence Park stadium lot. We've been here for almost ten minutes, talking.

"I just want you to be happy, but I know how badly she's hurt you in the past and I just don't want you to get hurt again."

"I know, I know...just..."

"Just what?"

"I'm just worried that it's not going to be enough, ya know? Like, I'm worried she's going to change her mind one day and just want us to go back to being friends again. Or she's going to regret it. Or I'm not going to be enough for her..." The chipping polish on my thumb is suddenly all interesting.

Hayley is quiet for a moment.

I haven't said my fears out loud to anyone else and it feels good to get them off of my chest, but also is scary hearing them out loud.

"Have you said any of this to her?"

I shake my head, still not looking at her.

"Em, you need to talk about these things with her, that's the only way you're going to work through whatever this relationship is. It's never going to be successful if you aren't honest."

I let my head fall against the headrest. "I just know all of this is coming from what happened in Seattle and I don't want her to feel guilty about it. I don't want her to worry about being with a girl AND me being self-conscious. It's just something I need to get over."

"You're feelings are 100% valid Sonny. She slept with you, and then ignored you, didn't stop you from moving out, forced you to pretend like nothing happened-"

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me." I huff and roll my eyes, Hayley gives me a pointed look before continuing.

"And then came back a year later to confess her love you for. Everything you're feeling," she waves her hand in a circle, "is totally valid and it's _okay _to feel like that. But if you don't want to talk to her about it, then you at least need to talk to someone."

I don't reply, instead checking the time on my phone. "We should probably get inside."

She sighs, knowing that I'm finished with this conversation. "Just think about it, okay?"

I open the car door instead of answering.   
  
  


As we're walking in I ask what I missed.

She snorts. "Well, I mean Ellie and Cait being normal shitheads, Midge and Kelli made a few TikToks, practice was practice I guess. Ooh Mark was not happy about Lindsey being gone."

I grimace. "Yeaaaah, she told me that she didn't really tell him she was leaving, she just kind of left."

Hayley nods. "At least both of you guys are back for game day. I doubt he'll be too hard on either of you." She opens the locker room door and we both walk in, met with loud chatter, laughter and music.

"Sonny!"

I look for the source of the yell and find Caitlin barreling towards me with Ellie not far behind. I barely have time to react before she's squeezing me tight.

"We missed you!"

I feel Ellie hug me from behind, yelling "Group hug!" and my eyes find Lindsey, who does not look happy, before Caitlin blocks my view.

I start to laugh as we almost tumble to the group, a scowling blonde forgotten as I'm overwhelmed by the Aussies.

"I missed you guys too."

"Yeah but we missed you more!" Cait is almost shouting in my ear and Ellie just nods, agreeing with her.

"How was Georgia?"

I smile, "It was good. But I'm glad to be back."

Ellie almost asks another question but Hayley stops her, "Let her get settled in first before you two start grilling her," she says jokingly, pushing them away from me. Her head nods in Lindsey's direction and I mouth "thank you" to her.

I pick up my bag that had fallen in all the commotion and turn to walk towards Lindsey, who's back is now to me, sitting with Tobin.

Tobin's eyes light up when she sees me and stands to give me a hug when I meet her.

"Hey Son," she gives me a quick squeeze, her eyes trying to communicate something that I just can't read.

"Hey Tobs," I say with a smile.

"How are you?"

"Good, I'm glad to be back." My eyes travel to Lindsey, who still isn't facing me.

"Yeah, we missed you and Linds." I know that she's trying to get Lindsey's attention but it becomes clear she's ignoring us.

I'm looking at the girl in front of me, confused as to why I'm getting the silent treatment. Tobin nudges her with her elbow, but she stays facing the opposite direction.

"Linds," I say quietly. She turns her head barely, her eyes flicking in my direction and then back to the wall.

My heart sinks. "Um, I'm going to go get ready for practice." Tobin shoots me a sympathetic look, just as confused as I am. I know that she can tell I'm just as lost as she is but I try to hide it, giving her a tight smile before turning around.

I try to push the thoughts creeping into my brain away, the ones telling me that she already regrets it, that she doesn't want me anymore.

Maybe Mark talked to her and she got in trouble and is just taking it out on me because I'm the reason she left.

I'm sure there's a totally plausible reason that I just don't know of. 

I set my bag down and start to get ready to go out onto the field, going through the motions.

Hayley walks over, leaning her weight against the locker next to mine. "Everything okay?"

I just nod.

"Em."

"I'm fine. It's fine," I can barely get the words out.

"Are-"

She's cut off by Mark yelling "Ladies, onto the field!" letting us know it's time for practice to start. "Emily, can I speak with you?"

Hayley gives me a "good luck" look and pats my back.

I walk over to wear he's standing with his arms crossed. He doesn't say anything for a second and I'm worried he's going to wait for everyone to leave before he starts to yell at me.

"Yeah Mark?"

He sighs before speaking. "Are you okay?"

I was not expecting that.

"U-um, I'm better," I pause, "Thank you for letting me take the time off, I really really appreciate it."

He nods but doesn't ask more. "I just want to remind you that you can't play today because of the red."

My face falls. I had forgotten. My red card. "Fuck," I say quietly, running a hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry Sonnett." He puts his hand on my shoulder but I shake my head.

"It's my own fault."

"I still want you practicing with us. You're the heart of the team, we need you out there."

I almost choke up, but I pull it together and nod, "Yeah, of course. And I'll be cheering you guys on in the stands tonight."

He smiles and nods before saying he'll see me out on the field.

After he leaves I let out a frustrated scream. With everything that had happened, I had 100% forgotten that I was given a red card, making me not able to play today. I want to cry but I take a drink from my water bottle and tell myself that I need to get it together. I need to prove that I'm on this team for a reason and my skills can't reflect my emotional state.

When I pass Lindsey's locker it's like a bucket of cold water was thrown on me. The one person I want to talk to about this isn't talking to me right now.

I didn't even think about how our relationship, or whatever this is, would be affect our jobs...or if we ever broke up, how that would affect everything, everyone. I shake the thought from my head and tell myself to pull it together.

I walk out onto the field with a desire to prove myself.   
  
  
  


I tried not to think about Lindsey when I was practicing, but my mind would wander to her every so often. So would my eyes.

Sometimes I caught her looking at me and sometimes she caught me looking at her. But they were only stolen glances, looking away quickly.

Tobin just watches us struggle. So does Hayley. Hayley tries to talk to me but I push her away. Tobin talks with Lindsey but Lindsey ignores her too.

Finally, I see Lindsey head towards the locker room during a water break. I decide that I'm tired of whatever game we're playing and stand up to follow her in.

She doesn't see me following her but everyone else does.

When I open the door, she looks up from where she's sitting on the bench by her locker.

I swallow the lump that's formed in my throat and walk towards her slowly, almost afraid she's going to run if I move too quickly.

When I stop in front of her she turns to look anywhere but at me.

"Linds," my voice cracks as I say her name and her eyes jump to my face quickly before looking away again.

"You know when I said we don't have to tell anyone I didn't think that meant that you would completely ignore me." I've done with being anxious, now I'm just getting mad.

She scoffs, firing back "When you asked if we were a thing I didn't think that meant we would sleep with other people."

My mouth falls open. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"What, you didn't pick Hayley up after you left my place?" She staring at me now, a fire behind her eyes.

"What the fuck Lindsey?" I can't keep the shock out of my voice.

She doesn't say anything.

"You know, when Mark reminded me that I couldn't play today because of my red from the last game, you were the person I wanted to talk to about it. I wanted to tell you how upset I was, how disappointed in myself I was, _am, _but you weren't talking to me...

You thinking that I would cheat on you, after everything that happened this week and last night, that hurt more than Mark reminding me I can't play." I know that voice cracked again but I ignore it.

Her face falls.

When my eyes start to water and I can't stop the tears from falling, I turn my back to her, not wanting her to see my cry.

I sniffle and try to get my emotions under control, needing a second. Lindsey's seen me cry more lately than anyone else but right now, I don't want her to see me hurting when she's causing most of the pain.

"Em."

I wrap my arms around myself tighter, unable to pull myself together. When I feel a soft hand on my shoulder, my body instinctively jerks away from the touch.

When I turn to look at her, I can see the worry on her face.

"Why would you think that I would ever, _ever, _cheat on you Linds?" I ask in a whisper.

"I-I just saw you walk in with Hayley and-and it looked like you guys rode in together and then that made me think that you guys...that you..." She even can't finish the sentence.

"Because we walked in together?" the disbelief clear in my voice.

Her eyes fall to the floor.

"She called me this morning and asked for a ride. So I picked her up and we drove to the stadium together. She asked about us. She asked how we were and if we were happy. She asked what we did in Georgia, if we were trying to make it work, if we were official. She wanted to know about our relationship because she wants us to be happy. I-" I take a deep breath before continuing. "I couldn't stop talking about you and she told me that I was different, happier because of you. She was happy for us.

We-we have nothing between us. She's one of my best friends."

Lindsey is the one with tears in her eyes now. "I just..."

"You just what, Lindsey?" I'm trying really hard not to take my frustration out on her but I'm not doing the best job at it.

"She's better at being gay than me," she says so quietly I almost don't hear her.

"What?" I want to scream.

She takes a deep breath before continuing. "She's out okay? She's out and proud. She's been with other women before, including you, and she knows how to be with a woman and I don't. I don't know how to do things with a girl. I don't know how to be in a relationship or how to act with a girlfriend. You can kiss her in public. You can hold hands with her in front of people because the world knows that she's gay and you can't do those things with me."

When her tears start to fall, my frustration falls with it.

"Linds," I step towards her and one of my hands finds her hip, the other finding her cheek. "I don't care that you're not out. I don't care if you haven't been with any other girls. I don't care if you don't know how to be with a girl. I don't care about any of that. I care about you. You're the one I want to kiss, you're the one I want to be with. Your past, what you have and haven't done, none of that matters to me. You matter to me."

I wipe the tears from her cheek and she leans into my hand. "You're the one I want."

Her fist latches onto my shirt and she pulls me in, our lips meeting in a rush. It's all teeth and her trying to take control, but when my hand squeezes her hip, she's taken by surprise and I use that moment to slip my tongue in her mouth.

It takes me a second to remember that we're in the locker room and anyone could walk in at any moment. When I pull away, she looks disappointed.

"Locker room. People. Practice." The words come out in short pants as I'm still trying to catch my breath.

Realization hits her face and her eyes widen. I let out a chuckle.

"I'm really sorry Em. I overreacted and I shouldn't have." She frowns and I shake my head.

"Linds, it's okay to have feelings. Just tell me, okay? I can't read your mind. When you ignore me, i-it makes me think that you don't want me anymore." She starts to interject but I don't let her. "I know that's not the case, but that's just how my brain is wired okay? Just tell me what's going on in yours and I promise to tell you whats going on in mine."

She nods, "I promise."

"Good. Now we should probably get back out on the field before they send in a search party." She laughs and my heart flutters. It's my favorite sound.

"C'mon," she says, dragging me towards the door.   
  
  


The rest of practice goes smoothly. This time, when I catch her staring at me, I wink and she blushes, making me laugh.

When it comes time to change into our uniforms before the game, it hits me harder that I'm really not playing. I know that I'm the only one to blame.

I'm sitting in one of the boxes when I see Lindsey look up, her eyes searching for me. She finds me, nodding and from across the field, we do our handshake. I'm grinning ear to ear and I can see her smiling too.

My smile soon falls. I knew that it would be a tough game against the Courage but I didn't think we would get slaughtered the way we did.

By the time the game ends, I can't help but think that maybe the score would've been different if I was playing. If I hadn't been so stupid and gotten a red, we wouldn't had lost 6-0 at home for god's sake.

I feel like I let the team down. That this loss is my fault.

As I make my way down to the field, I see Tobin sitting on the ground, clearly upset. I walk over to her, and when she leaves me hanging for a high five, I grab her hand and high five myself.

It gets a laugh out of her but that's it. Before leaving to find Lindsey, I apologize.

"What?" she asks confused, "What are you sorry for?"

I shrug and kick at the ground with my foot. "I feel like...if I hadn't gotten that red then we wouldn't have had such a bad game. I shouldn't have been so stupid."

"Son," she says forcefully and my eyes meet hers.

"This certainly isn't your fault. Don't blame yourself for this-"

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts," she shakes her head. "Don't blame yourself for this."

I sigh.

"You should probably go find your girl, we both know she's taking this pretty hard."

I can feel myself start to blush when Tobin calls Lindsey my girl but I know that I can't deny it.

She smiles when she sees my red cheeks and tips her head in the direction Lindsey went.   
  
  


I find Lindsey sitting in the locker room, her head in her hands.

"Hey," I say softly, not wanting to startle her. She lifts her head up as I come to stand in front of her. My hands find her back and I try to rub some of the tension away.

I know how Lindsey takes losses: harder than anyone else, well besides Tobin. Lindsey expects more of herself, she expects herself to be perfect, always thinking she can do better.

Her chin is in her hand and I can see her mind running a million miles an hour.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shakes her head no and I nod.

"What can I do to help?" I ask softly, my hands stopped, resting on her shoulders.

"Can we go to your place?"

"Yeah. We can order something and watch a movie."

"That sounds great," she gives me a small smile and I would do anything to make her feel better in that moment.

She stands up, her hand falling to rest on my hip. "I'm going to go shower real quick and then I'll be ready to go."

I nod and she grabs her bag, heading in the direction of the showers. I quickly turn and try to find Hayley. I don't want to leave her stranded here since I was her ride this morning, but I don't think now would be a good time to give her a ride back, especially after today.

I find her around the corner, talking with Menges.

"Hey, Hayls," she turns to look at me and Emily waves goodbye before heading in the opposite direction.

She looks like she's already showered, bag hanging over her shoulder. "Hey Em. I was going to catch a ride with Cait."

"Oh, okay. That's actually what I was going to talk to you about."

She shrugs, "I figured you would do something with Lindsey and I wanted to give you guys space."

I nod, thinking that was probably best.

"You guys seemed better before the game," she says, almost like a question.

"Yeah. We're better now," I can't help the small smile that makes it's way to my face.

She chuckles, "Good. You know I'm always here to talk if you want to right?"

"I know. I appreciate it Hayls."

Before she can respond I hear Cait yelling for her from the other side of the room.

"Well, that's me. Text me later." She squeezes my arm before walking off.   
  
  


When Lindsey emerges from the showers, I can tell she'd been crying by the redness in her eyes. My face falls.

I want to say something but she just shakes her head before grabbing her stuff and walking towards the door. I grab my bag and follow her.  
  
  


The car ride is quiet, Lindsey is still in her head, looking out the window.

"What do you want for dinner?" I ask, trying to start a conversation.

She just shrugs.

"Thai?"

I'm met with a head shake.

"Mexican?"

She perks up a little and I smile, thankful to have finally found something that would make her happy. I don't need to ask which one she wants, Portland Mercado is her favorite. It quickly became one of my favorites too after we went once.   
  


By the time we get back to my apartment, Lindsey has ordered online and said it will be delivered in about 20 minutes. She's still quiet but she seems to be less upset now. 

"Hey," I say quietly as she starts to head towards my the couch. 

She turns to look at me, unsure of what I want. 

Suddenly I can't stand to not be touching her. My feet make their way to where she is standing and my hand finds hers. 

"I know-"

"I don't really want to talk about it Em."

"Okay." I know that I can't push her right now. It would only make her more upset and I don't want her to be unhappy any longer.

I can feel her breath against my cheek as I watch her eyes drop from my eyes to my lips. 

And then we're kissing in my kitchen. I don't know if I'll ever get used to the way Lindsey's lips feel against mine. Each time taking my breath away. 

Her hand finds the back of my neck, fingers getting tangled in my hair while the other rests heavily on my side. Both of my hands instinctively land on her hips. My thumb searching for her skin under her shift, finally resting on her hip bone. 

Her hand slides up under my shirt and rests on my ribs, rubbing circles as it goes. 

"Linds," I try to say but she only shakes her head, her lips ghost across my jaw before landing at the junction of my neck and cheek. A moan escapes my lips and I can feel my cheeks get hot. 

She smirks against my skin as she starts to put more pressure there. 

I know that she could leave a bruise but we have practices and we both know I can't been seen with one. 

I also know that I don't have the self control to tell her that. Luckily there's a knock at the door, letting us know that our food is here. 

I take a step back and try to slow my breathing down before answering the door, running a hand through my hair. 

"Uh hi," it comes out as stutter. If the lady assumes anything, she doesn't show it and is professional. I can hear Lindsey laugh from behind me and glare over my shoulder. 

Soon we're back on my couch, me sitting cross legged and Lindsey with her feet against my coffee table. 

"Did Mark say anything to you?" 

Lindsey freezes, her fork halfway into her mouth. 

Instead of answering she resumes eating, avoiding eye contact. So I nudge her with my foot.

She sighs and moves her plate from her lap to the table. "Yes. He said something before you got there."

"And?" I ask, wanting her to go on. 

"And he was really mad at me. He said what I did was really unprofessional and if I pull a stunt like that again, I can find myself benched for the rest of the season."

My heart drops. I figured he would be mad but I didn't think he would be that mad.

"He said a bunch of other stuff but I just sort of tuned him out. He asked if I went after you, if that was why I left and I didn't know what to say. I denied it but he knows the truth. He said whatever happened needs to be done with and I need to leave it in the locker room....and then we got freaking creamed and it was my fault." 

"Linds, it wasn't your fault, okay? There were eleven players on the field, not just you. So we had an off game, that happens. But we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. WE focus on the next game and the one after that."

"Yeah but I can't have an off game if I want to be the best. Players who are the best don't have off days, that's why they're the best."

"You still have plenty of time to be the best. You already are the best. You're Lindsey freaking Horan. Better yet, you're The Great Horan." I smirk and the corner of her mouth lifts into a smile. 

"You're _my _Great Horan." With that she blushes and rolls her eyes, but I can't help the smile that makes it ways onto my face. 

"Shut up," she says and pushes my shoulder. 

Later when Lindsey's eyes start to droop, I ask if she's ready for me to take her sleepy self home.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" she asks nervously.

"Um, yeah. O-of course." 

I know that we technically slept together on Kelley's couch but that was by accident. 

She yawns again and I stand, reaching for our dirty dishes. "I think I have one of your shirts in my drawer if you want to sleep in that." 

"Wait, how long have you had one of my shirts? Better yet, which one is it?" My back is to her but I know that she's got one of her eyebrows raised in questioning. 

"I dunno know, I've had it for a while, I think it's one of your old ones," I try to sound like I don't know exactly which shirt it is but I do. It's grey and says Colorado on it in green letters with a tree on it. 

She just chuckles and I hear her feet pad across the tile to my room as I put the food away.

I try to slow my brain down as I walk to my room, yes Lindsey is going to be sleeping in my bed. Yes I am going to also be sleeping in my bed. 

I was expecting her to be nervous like I was, nervous because we haven't actually shared a bed in a really long time. Nervous because this means that she'll be here when I wake up. 

But I wasn't expecting her to be passed out, curled up until the covers, already snoring. 

I laugh quietly to myself, and after I climb into bed next to her with my teeth brushed and in my pjs, I can't help but think about how lucky I am to have this girl next to me, snores and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo loves. I know it's been a hot second and I'm really really sorry. So far 2020 has been a freaking roller coaster. 
> 
> I told myself that I had to post after the game tonight so I stayed up to finish. Can we talk about that game for a sec?! Lindsey with her first international hat trick! Sonny did amazing. I love them both so much. 
> 
> Just in case you were thinking that this story would be over soon....surprise it's not! 
> 
> Lots of emotions in this chapter. New relationships are tough man. 
> 
> Emily's coming out story...any guesses?
> 
> I feel like this was kind of slow and I apologize but they had to make that adjustment (or lack of adjustment?) from Georgia to Portland. 
> 
> Anyhootles, let me know what you think! Feelings, likes, dislikes, things you want to see more of. 
> 
> Once again, sorry for the delay. I swear I haven't forgotten about this. 
> 
> Lots of love xx


	16. Come Cuddle

**Lindsey's POV**

It's too hot and something is weighing me down, making me feel like I can't move. But I don't stir, afraid to wake the girl sleeping on my chest, one leg between mine, arm thrown over my torso. She is completely wrapped around me like a vine, and I don't mind it at all.

The ponytail she went to bed with has fallen out entirely, blonde hair was strewn about as she breathes in and out slowly, still sound asleep.

So I take this quiet moment to look around the room, the last time I had been in here being months ago.

Her plant collection sitting on her windowsill has grown. More pictures have been added to her wall. I smile when I see a few recent ones of us, the World Cup, Victory Tour, messing around in France. My eyes land on a blue armchair in the corner, one that I know wasn't there before. But other than that, it still represents her completely: minimalist with hipster plant mom vibes.   
  
I've always felt like her room represents who she really is. And I know that sounds crazy, but here, this is her safe place. This is where she feels the most herself. So I drink it all in.  
  


She begins to stir not long after and I pretend that I'm just waking up too, trying to make it look like I haven't been tracing the freckles that are peeking through her shirt collar on her shoulder.

When her eyes peer open slowly at me and a sleepy smile finds a way onto her face. I didn't think my heart could melt anymore but when she says "Hey," in her raspy morning voice, I find out my heart can indeed melt more.

"Hi," I whisper softly, pushing a strand of hair that fell in front of her face behind her ear.

"What time is it?" she asks, with a yawn, stretching her arms over her head.

I turn and reach for my phone sitting on her nightstand, "It's 9:34," I say before locking it. We don't have to be back at the field for recovery until 11 so neither of us is in any kind of hurry.

She nods before pushing herself up, the comforter falling down revealing her ratted old UVA shirt. "Do you want some breakfast?" she asks, standing up and smiling down at me. 

I nod, biting my lip trying to keep my smile at bay.   
  
  
  
  
  


We walk into the locker room, Sonny holding the door open for me as I scoot past her. Tobin looks up when she hears the door open, smirking when she sees us walk in together.

Em's hand ghosts down my arm as she says that she's going to put her stuff down before she heads in the direction of her locker.

I sigh and prepare myself for what Tobin is about to throw at me.

I walk over and put my boot bag on the bench next to her and she raises her eyebrows at me. "You didn't come home last night."

I shrug my shoulders, a small smile making it's way to my face.

She's waiting for me to say something and I look over at the blonde girl that I can't stop thinking about, biting my lip without even noticing it.

I'm brought back to this morning, sitting on one of her barstool, my chin in my hand laughing as Sonny tried to flip a pancake and failed miserably. When on the third try, she finally got it without dropping the pancake and slid it onto a plate in front of me and said "One Sonny special pancake for the special girl that's in my apartment," and I know that I couldn't stop blushing.

I'm brought back to the present by Tobin kicking my foot. "Dude, you've got it bad," she says with a chuckle, almost sounding surprised.

I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks but don't deny it. I look up right as Em looks in my direction and she grins even wider, giving me a small wink.

I hear Tobin pretending to gag and Emily's eyes shift over to the girl behind me. Her eyes widen when she sees she's been caught and I laugh, spinning on my heel to tell her to knock it off.

"No but seriously, how's it going?" the tone of her voice simmering down, turning into a more serious conversation.

"Good," I say nervously, nodding. "We're just taking it slow, ya know?"

She nods, knowing from previous conversations we've had that I'm not ready to be public with our relationship.

Mark announces that it's time to head onto the field and our conversation is over. As we file out onto the pitch, I feel a warm hand squeeze my own before letting it go quickly. I don't need to look at the person next to me to know who it is but I do anyways.

"Hey Son," I say smiling at her.

"Hey Linds," she replies, smiling just the same.

I hear a cough come from someone next to me and roll my eyes. "Oh, hey Tobin," she says peering behind me to the girl that's wearing a shit-eating grin.

"Hey Sonny, almost like you didn't see me over here. Maybe because you were too busy looking at someone else?"

I glare at Tobin and Emily chuckles sheepishly. We're stepping onto the turf and I'm trying not to stare at Em, trying to not make it too obvious, trying to pretend that I didn't wake up in her bed this morning and that we definitely didn't make out in her kitchen.

Stretching has never been an issue for me. Never have I almost fallen or lost focus during a _warmup _for God's sake. But today, it just really isn't my day.

Sonny is standing next to Caitlin and Ellie with her arm stretched over her head, so much so that her shirt has ridden up just a little bit but enough to show a sliver of skin on her hipbone, showing the world the v line of muscle she has.

"Lindseyyyyy."

"Hm?" I turn my head to the sound of the voice: Tobin, smirking.

"Can you not stare at her for like, five seconds while I try to talk to you?" she says in a joking tone.

I know that my face is red, being caught AGAIN.   
  
  


During practice, we find each other. But we always do so it isn't a surprise to anyone. We try to act nonchalant, fooling everyone but the two people who know: Tobin and Hayley.

We're standing next to each other, passing a water bottle back and forth when I feel a pair of eyes on me. I look around, trying to figure out who could be watching us, suddenly worried that Sonny and I are being too _coupley _only to find that it's Tobin.

She's not bothering to hide her smirk, shaking her head at me.

"What?" I mouth at her.

"Did you say something Linessi?" I quickly turn back to Sonnett, hearing Tobin laugh at the same time.

"No," I mutter, shaking my head.

She smiles at me before taking another sip of water and I automatically smile in return. We're called back to practice and she sets the water bottle down on the ground before we walk back on the pitch together.

Before we break off into our separate groups, she reaches for my hand, giving it a quick squeeze before walking in the opposite direction.   
  
  


I didn't think it would be that difficult to keep my hands to myself, after all, I'd been doing it for a while now. But that was before I held her hand, held her close, it feels almost impossible not to be touching her all the time.

And I didn't think I would be that kind of person, but apparently, I am.

So after practice, when Ellie and Cait ask if we want to go get some food, Sonny says yes before I can politely decline, wanting to get back in the comfort of our own space, where my hands can, in fact, touch her.

"Great! Where to?" Ellie looks at Cait, Cait looks to Sonny and Sonny looks to me. I quickly hide the disappointed look and look back to Cait.

"Why are you guys looking at me? I don't know where to go!" she says defensively.

"Let's just go to Roots," Sonny says, looking at me before looking to Caitlin and Ellie.

"I knew you were going to say that," Ellie remarks, chuckling.

Emily shrugs, "Well, you guys weren't going to decide-"

"That's true, we are indecisive," Cait interrupts

"So everyone good with Roots?" she looks at me specifically, waiting for my approval. I nod and we decide to meet thereafter we all change, wanting to get out of our sweaty practice clothes.

Thirty minutes later, I'm sitting next to Sonny, both of us with wet hair, freshly showered.

She opens the menu, eyes scanning through the options quickly before shutting it loudly.

"You already know what you want?" I ask while letting my eyes roam the options. I know what she's getting, and I know what I'm getting but I still want to look.

"Mhm." I can see her bring her elbow onto the table, resting her chin in her palm with her head turned towards me.

I decide to get the same thing I always get, the greens bowl, before closing my menu and setting it down too.

I turn to look at the girl watching me, suddenly feeling self-conscious about my messy appearance.

She smiles at me softly, a look in her eyes.

"What?" I ask, grabbing the cup of water in front of me to take a sip.

"Nothing, I just really wish I could kiss you right now."

Not expecting that to be her answer, I choke on the water and she smirks, knowing that her comment was the reason.

Her hand reaches over to pat my back, and I hit my chest, trying to get myself to breathe correctly again.

We're both too focused on my coughing fit to notice the Aussies walk up until one of them asks if I'm alright as they sit down.

I nod, still unable to catch my breath and Emily says, "Just some water down the wrong pipe."

I don't need to look at her face to know she's smirking, I can hear it in her voice.

Caitlin looks skeptical but Ellie is already opening her menu, mind wandering to food.

We order and the conversation follows easily, talking about our upcoming game. I glance over at Sonny when she's talking animatedly with Ellie, who's sitting across from her and can't help but smile.

Our conversation lulls when our food arrives but before it starts again, I catch Ellie and Caitlin sharing a look.

I can tell they're trying to communicate something without us knowing but they're not very subtle. Finally, Cait clears her throat and looks at Emily.

"So, Son" she pauses. "What the hell happened?"

I freeze, my fork halfway to my mouth, and look over at the girl sitting next to me.

She sets her fork down slowly and swallows, shifting in her seat. I can tell she's uncomfortable by the look on her face immediately.

I try to keep eating, acting like everything is fine but I soon put my fork down too.

"Um, so you guys obviously saw what went down on the field with ARod."

They both nod, wanting her to continue.

"Well I just got really upset after that, I guess. I tried to not take what she said to heart but I was really disappointed in myself-"

"Wait, what did she say?" Ellie asks before I get a chance to.

I knew that obviously she said something, we all saw her yelling at Sonny but I never asked what she said specifically.

For a moment, Emily looks hesitant.

"She...she just said that if I play like that then I don't deserve to make the Olympic roster and my spot should be given to someone better that would take it more seriously. That if I don't start acting my age no one will want me on their team anymore. I-I don't remember what else but that was basically it."

"What the fuck?" The words are out of my mouth before I know it.

"It's nothing, I mean I was being stupid so," she shrugs nonchalantly and I already see her pushing down how she really feels. Trying to hide anything that makes her vulnerable, makes her question herself and her ability.

Usually, she does it with a joke or a dance but she can't right now. So she has to bask in how it's making her feel.

"She doesn't know what she's talking about Sonny. She was being overdramatic, caught up in the heat of the moment. It was one game." Caitlin's voice is soft and gentle, knowing that Sonny doesn't want to make a big deal about this.

She shrugs again and goes back to tracing patterns on the table with her pointer finger. "But yeah so I just kind of needed a break, ya know? Kelley texted me after the game and I told her what Amy said, she knew I was upset so she invited me to come hang out with her for a few days."

Hearing her cover story, knowing the _real _reason she left was because of me, makes me feel guilty.

Knowing that I was the reason she felt like she needed to get away, to run from it all.

"But so then, why did you go too Lindsey? And why was Hayley freaking out?" Ellie asks, confusion clear in her voice as she tilts her head.

Emily turns to look at me, eyebrows raised.

I hadn't told her that part yet.

"What happened with Hayley?"

"Well, your girlfriend stormed into the locker room the day that you left, and sort of attacked Lindsey...She said that Lindsey did something to make you leave and she wanted to know what happened."

I freeze when Ellie mentions the word girlfriend and Emily tenses next to me.

"Uh, Hayley and I broke up," Em says, without any malice in her voice.

"What?" Caitlin says at the same time Ellie asks "What happened?"

Emily pauses.

I know that we said we were going to keep our relationship private for a little while but I don't know if she'll consider Ellie and Caitlin "private". We haven't really talked about telling our friends.

I can only picture confusion and more questions to come. Probably asking how and why, and then we would have to get into everything...

"We just both decided that it wasn't what we were after. I mean, we're still really great friends and we ended on good terms. So there's no bad blood or drama or anything."

I'm hoping that this will distract the two of them for now, knowing that I don't have an answer if they ask why I went to Georgia too.

Luckily it does because they both nod their heads.

"Well, that's too bad. You two were cute," Ellie says offhandedly.

Emily shrugs, not wanting to push it farther.

I was hoping that would be the end of the conversation but Cait goes back to why I went to Georgia too.

"Kelley invited her to come too." The lie rolls right off of her tongue and I'm thankful she said something because nothing was coming to my mind.

Ellie nods but Caitlin doesn't seem convinced.

Luckily we're saved from finishing the conversation when Ellie's phone rings.

She answers it and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I feel a hand reach out and grab mine underneath the table and glance down to find Em's hand holding mine.

I look over to her and find her watching me, she scrunches her eyes, almost asking if I'm okay and I give her a small nod.

Our meal ends shortly after that, with Ellie and Caitlin heading home together and Sonny and I pausing when we get to her car.

"I-"

"Are-"

We both start at the same time, wanting to get things off our chest.

"You go first," I say, messing with the watch on my left wrist.

She bites her lip, pausing before stepping closer to me. I'm not prepared for her to reach up and brush her lips against mine, almost urgently.

It makes me a millisecond to register what's happening before I melt into her. It seems to take all the stress my body had been holding in away, as her hands find my torso.

It's quick and when she pulls away, I'm suddenly left wanting more.

She rests her forehead against mine and lets out a breath, taking a moment before saying anything.

"I had been wanting to kiss you since we left my apartment this morning. I just couldn't wait any longer." She smiles and I can't help the smile that makes it's way to my face either.

Her hands grab both of mine and she swings them back and forth and I can't help but chuckle.

"Was that okay? I didn't know they would bring up Hayley, I guess I figured she would have told them but I guess she didn't..."

I shake my head, "No, it's fine. I expected that they would have questions...Hey, why didn't you tell me what Amy said?"

She looks at the ground, her toe digging in the dirt. "I don't know, I mean, I just kind of pushed it from my mind. I didn't want to think about it for too long..."

My hand finds her chin and I tilt her face up, wanting to look into her eyes. I can see the hesitation, the doubt she has in herself.

"Hey, why didn't you tell me that Hayley like attacked you?" she tilts her head, concern written on her face. 

"Why are you changing the subject?" I ask. She just raises her eyebrows at me, wanting me to answer her question.

I huff and roll my eyes. "She didn't. The day you left she just stormed into the locker room and like, pushed me against my locker. Caitlin pulled her off and Tobin got in between us, it was nothing." I try to wave it off, not wanting to focus on it but her eyes widen.

"What the hell?"

I huff. "If you disappeared and weren't talking to anyone, but I knew that someone had been _in your apartment _I would have the same reaction. It happened, but it's over with. We've moved on."

"Have you really?" she asks smugly.

"No, of course, we haven't. She doesn't like me clearly but it is what it is." I take a step back and drop her hands.

"What do you mean she doesn't like you? She likes you," her voice filled with disbelief.

"She does not like me," I laugh, shaking my head.

"Yes, she does!" She grabs her car keys out of her pocket, hitting the unlock button and tilting her head in the direction of where she's parked. 

"No, she doesn't. But that's okay. I mean, we're still professional on the field, I just don't think we'll be swapping crochet patterns anytime soon." I can't help but roll my eyes again as I slide into the seat next to her. 

She starts her car and sits there for a moment, eyes looking out the windshield. "She's just protective of me...She knows what happened between us and everything else that's been going on in the past year, so she's just looking out for me."

I want to ask what she means about the past year, but I stop myself, figuring if she wanted to tell me, she would. 

I know from past experience that Em will share things when she's ready, pushing her will only force her back into the shell she hides herself in. 

The rest of the car ride our conversation turns to practice. I tell her of Tobin giving me a hard time when she would catch me staring at Em, Em tells me how she tripped over a ball when she was too focused on watching me. 

When she pulls up outside of her apartment, I reach for my bag that I put behind my seat. 

"I didn't know if you wanted to stay for a little while...or the night," she says with a shy smile on her face.

"I'll stay if you'll have me." 

She nods her head, her smile widening.

Later, we're stretched out on her couch, watching some show that I'm not paying attention to because I'm distracted by her fingers tracing patterns on my legs that sit in her lap. 

She's staring intently at the screen, unaware of the impact she's having on me.

"Em."

"Hm?" she replies, not taking her eyes off the tv.

"Can you stop?" 

That gets her attention, her head turning to look at me, a questioning look on her face. "Is that bothering you?" she moves her hand off my feet that are resting in her lap, "Sorry, I didn't know." 

"No, it's not bothering me," I sit up, pulling my feet out of her reach, "Just when you do that, it makes me really want to kiss you." 

Her mouth drops open, not expecting my response. 

And I realize that I can kiss her. So I do.

She watches me sit up onto my knees and lean over to where she is resting on the opposite end of the couch. I pause in front of her and watch as her eyes flicker from my eyes down to my lips. 

Before I can lean down, she sits up more and closes the gap between us. Her hand finds it's way to the back of my neck and her fingers thread themselves into the wisps of my hair that have fallen out of my ponytail. The other lands heavily on my hip, holding me in place.

She deepens the kiss and I don't know what to do with my hands for a minute until they land on her cheeks, her skin soft under my touch. 

I know that I'm going to need to take a breath soon but I know that this is honestly the hottest kiss I've ever had in my life and don't want it to end. 

Her lips move from my lips down to my cheek, across my jaw and end up at the spot under my ear near my jawline. Without thinking, I throw one of my legs over hers and I'm in her lap, sinking down. 

"Em," I let out and she puts more pressure on that one spot, "you-you can't- no marks. Not where people can see." 

I can feel her stop her assault on my neck before placing one more kiss there before leaning back. 

Her hand that was tangled in my hair releases its grip and she runs her hand through her own hair, her cheeks red. 

I'm still catching my breath but my hands drop from her face to her shoulders. 

"Sorry, got a little carried away there," she says with a chuckle, blushing even more. 

I smile, fully aware that I did too. 

Later, as we're laying down I think about how we got here. Not here, in her bed, but here, as in us.

Thinking back to how quickly things have changed, from basically two weeks ago to right now. I know that we're together, but we aren't _together _with a label. We aren't telling people. We aren't posting cute Snapchat or Instagram stories of the other doing cute things. 

I don't know how long she'll be okay without those things, without the world knowing. Without everyone knowing we're together, that she is mine and I am hers. Heck, we're not even that right now. We're not official. 

My mind wanders to how my parents would take me coming out. How they would react to me dating a girl. I know that they love Em, but would they love Em as my _girlfriend?_

"Stop," I hear her say, muffled against her pillow. I turn my head, finding her laying on her stomach, watching me intently. 

"I can hear you thinking from over here." She lifts her head, resting her head on her elbow now.

"No, you can't," I mumble. 

"You make this face when you're thinking too hard. Plus you get a little crease in between your eyebrows every time you frown." Her thumb reaches out and I try to watch it as it lands on my forehead, but I end up crosseyed. 

Her thumb rubs the crease off of my face and then she moves to hold my cheek. 

I lean into her hand, and she holds her other arm open, motioning for me to scoot closer. 

So I lean my body into her, but she shakes her head and pats her chest. 

I sigh and roll closer, letting my head rest on her chest. She wraps one arm around me, her hand resting on my lower back, rubbing softly against the loose shirt she is letting me borrow. The other hand reaches to grab my right hand, lacing our fingers together, letting it drop onto her chest too. 

Usually, I don't like sleeping close to someone, being a kicker and a person ends up spread out like a starfish. It's easy for me to get claustrophobic, but wrapped in her tight embrace, it feels, safe. 

"What's got you thinking so hard?" she asks softly.

I sigh and press my face into her ratted UVA sleep shirt, even more, hoping that if I don't answer the question she'll let it go. 

She doesn't, giving me a small pinch with the hand that rests on my back. 

"Oww! What was that for?" I pout, turning up my head to look her in the eyes.

"Stop trying to ignore the question," she says, shaking her head.

"Ugh," I say, rolling out of her grip, wanting to put some space between us. She looks momentarily hurt by my actions but I push it from my mind. 

"Just..." she turns to look at me, elbow propped up against the mattress. "I don't know when I'll be ready to tell the world that I like girls. And I know you said that it's not a big deal if we keep it private but I just...I don't want you to resent me for not being able to give you all the cute, in public stuff..." 

And there it is. It's out on the table. 

Again.

I know that we've talked about this twice, on two separate occasions but it still lingers in my mind. That I can't give her what she wants. 

I'm laying flat on my back, looking up at her ceiling so I can't see what she's doing but I hear the sheets crinkle and the bed dip so I know she's moving. 

She sighs before speaking. "Linds, I don't care if you don't post cute pics of me on your Instagram, I mean the fans will be missing out but the can just deal with it," she waves her hand dismissively and I roll my eyes, a smile forming on my face. "I know that coming out is scary, and new, and can be traumatizing and I don't care that you're not out. That doesn't bother me.

I just want you to be happy and comfortable and I'll do whatever it takes for you to be both of those." 

I turn to look at her and am met with her bright blue eyes, watching me cautiously. 

"I just want you to be happy," she says quietly again with so much care and affection in her voice.

I know at that moment, that I want to tell the world that she's mine and I'm hers. I want to shout it from the rooftops. And I will. 

I'll get there. For her. 

I reach for her hand and interlock our fingers, leaning over, I kiss her gently, hoping that portrays what I'm feeling: gratitude, adoration, protected.

I wake up to an arm wrapped around my waist and short puffs of breath tickling the back of my neck accompanied by a cold nose. 

For someone who likes to pretend that she's all tough, these past few days she's shown me how much of a softy she can be. And it makes my heart beat faster, knowing that I'm the only one that gets to see her like this. 

I don't know how long I lay there awake, letting my fingers dance up and down her forearm. I don't mean to wake her up, but when she tightens her grip around me, I know that she's awake. 

A soft kiss is placed on the back of my neck along with a sleepy "Good morning." 

"I didn't mean to wake you up," I say quietly. 

"Needed to get up anyway," she lets out with a yawn.

I turn my body so that I'm facing her now and she smiles. I think about how domestic this feels, waking up next to her, and I know that I could get used to this.

She stretches her arms over her head and her shirt reveals a sliver of skin above her pajama shorts, my mouth instantly dries. 

I've seen her change in locker rooms, in swimsuits, in nothing but a sports bra and Nike shorts. But that was before there was the possibility of more. More _us. _

"Linds?" I hear her ask, pulling me out of a trance. 

I'm met with a smirk, being caught letting my eyes wander. 

"I said I was going to go for a run, did you want to come with me?" 

"Oh. Yeah, sure I'll go." I nod, hoping that the blush isn't too prominent on my cheeks. 

My feet are pounding on the sidewalk, some song I don't know is blaring through the one Airpod I have, Em with the other. Since it was her idea to run, I let her pick the path, following her as she runs the streets of Portland. 

Having her lead gives me the chance to observe her as she runs. During practice and games, I'm always focused on other people, never getting the chance to let my gaze linger too long. 

My eyes graze over the width of her shoulders, up to the cross tattoo that sits on the back of her neck. Down to her hips and her calves. The freckles that are scattered across the expanse of her skin.

It's obvious that she takes care of her body, just like any other athlete but for some reason, I appreciate hers more than others. 

Her pace is fast but isn't punishing and I can keep up easily as we round another corner. 

The song pauses and I hear a ringing throughout my one ear. 

Em slows down, coming to a halt and I do the same. She hits accept on her phone and I hear a voice I've never heard start to speak. 

"Hi Emily, it's Dr. Jacqui. I was just calling to confirm your appointment for tomorrow at 9-" 

I quickly take the Airpod out of my ear, not wanting to eavesdrop on their conversation. 

Emily turns her back to me, talking to whoever Jacqui is quietly. I rack my brain of any Dr. Jacqui that she's talked about before but can't seem to place anything. 

"Okay, thanks." She ends the call and faces me again, biting her lip nervously. 

I try to make my expression as neutral as possible, seeing that she's already nervous about it. 

"Therapist," she says quietly, nodding. 

"Ah."

I don't know what else to say. 

I don't know how to talk about this with her. 

"I forgot that I had an appointment tomorrow before practice," she scratches the back of her head. 

"I'll ride in with Tobin tomorrow. I probably need to change into some different clothes anyways." 

She swallows something down in her throat and I can see the hesitation written on her face. 

"What's up?" I ask. 

"Nothing- I just don't want you to think that I'm seeing her because we're together. I mean, I already was seeing her so it's nothing new. Me going to talk to her isn't correlated to us," she gets out quickly in one breath.

"Hey," I say, taking a step toward her. "I know that those things aren't correlated. You don't need to worry about me. 

She nods her head. 

"Why are you nervous?" I question, reaching for her arm, wanting to be near her. 

"I'm not," she looks down at the ground, "I just didn't want you to think anything..."

"Think anything about what?"

She shrugs her shoulders, still not looking at me.

"Em." This gets her to finally look up at me like I was hoping. "You can talk to me about this, you don't have to hide anything." 

"I know, I know. It's just, I don't know- I don't want you to feel like it's your fault."

I freeze momentarily.

That had been in the back of my mind actually. But right now I know that she needs me to not be worried about that, considering she's doing enough worrying for the both of us so I push it from my mind. 

"I don't, okay?" I look down at her and hope that she can see that I'm being honest. 

She nods her head and her bottom lip gets caught between her teeth. At this moment, I want to kiss her right now, in the middle of whatever street we're on, surrounded by people going about their daily lives. 

But I don't. We're not there yet. So I say "Let's keep running, ya?" and try to get her attention back on what we were previously doing. 

It works, but I can still see the gears turning in her mind, her shoulders are tense as we loop around and head back to her apartment.

When she drops me off at my apartment later in the day, I can see her still worrying. It was obvious when we were sitting on her couch and she had a far off look in her eyes or when I had to ask what she wanted for lunch twice, but I was hoping it would fade.

She puts her car in park and I turn to look at her, hands still gripping the steering wheel tightly. 

After a moment she turns to look at me and before she can say anything, I lean over the console to bring my lips to hers. 

I know that I could use words to try to ease her mind, but she's clearly overthinking enough for both of us so that probably wouldn't be helpful.

My hand rests against her cheek and I can feel the stress start to leave her body and it goes from rigid to almost slumped. 

She rests her forehead against mine and lets out a breath seep out. 

"I'll call you later, ya?" I ask, realizing that this will be the first time since we got back from Atlanta that we're spending time apart. 

I feel silly, not wanting to leave her side, but I know that we need to function individually if we want to function together. Plus, I know that she needs her alone time. 

I know that she puts on a front for the fans, for the team, for everyone. The dances, the jokes, the pranks, that's what I call her being "on." On for the world to see, on for everyone else. But she needs time to not be on, time to decompress. 

When she's had enough, her face starts to pale, her eyes won't be as bright, and you can tell by her forced smile, that it's just too much for her. 

I've realized that after our many years of friendship, that it's draining for her, to be the jokester 24/7. I learned early on that she needs to be able to take a step back. Em isn't a snappy person, but she can be when she's had too much interaction. 

I learned to not take it personally, and usually would point out that she needs to take some time to be alone. 

It's different now. Now that I want to be around her literally _all the time._ That I want to do everything she does, be everywhere she is. 

It's a little scary, considering she isn't technically my girlfriend yet.

But I push down what I want and I know that I need to do what she needs. So I place one more quick kiss on her lips before getting out of her car and shutting the door behind me.

Unlocking the door to my apartment, I can feel myself getting emotional. I don't know if it's because I'm letting myself feel everything, the guilt I knew would creep up after I left her, or the sadness I felt having to leave her, or being mad at myself for being too emotional for only having started to see each other less than a week ago.

But I wasn't expecting Tobin to be sitting on the couch when I walked in and dropped my bag by the counter. 

"You're home," she says, looking up from her phone with a surprised look on her face.

"I thought you would need a U-Haul by now," she says offhandedly, not seeing the look on my face. 

And then I can't take it anymore. I let out the tears that have I've been holding at bay since we got back, since everything has happened. 

It takes Tobin completely by surprise, but she jumps up and comes to hug me. "Hey, what happened?" 

I let Tobin hold me, let my tears soak her shirt and let myself feel everything that I've been not allowing myself to feel. 

I know that I'm breaking Em's trust, I know that if Kelley finds out she _will _kill me. But I know that I have to talk to someone about everything that's happened.

So, I tell Tobin. I tell Tobin about the day that Kelley found Emily. I tell her of how Emily was in the hospital and stayed with Kelley for weeks before absolutely having to come back to Portland. I tell her about how the girl completely broke down when she told me what happened, how she is seeing a therapist now, and how I feel like it's my fault, that I broke the girl I think I might love.

We moved to the couch after I starting talking and couldn't stop. Tobin is sitting in front of me, a look on her face I can't place.

"It makes sense why Kelley suddenly became _so _protective of her...Geez, I had no idea," she runs a hand over her face, and I can tell this is hitting her hard. 

I nod, "Kelley was the only one that knew, and then she told me. And now you know but you can not say anything, Tobin, okay? They would be so mad."

She shakes her head, "Of course I'm not going to say anything Lindsey...It just puts things in place now I guess. Why she was so different at the beginning of this season." She pauses before running a hand down her face, "I just-geez it's _Sonny. _I can't believe...she didn't say anything."

I nod, knowing how she feels. I'm silent for a minute before I continue.

"I-I just hate that I played a role in it, that I was a factor. I care about her so much, so so much, and it hurts knowing that I hurt her." 

Tobin just hugs me tighter. "She doesn't blame you, does she?"

"Oh, gosh no." I shake my head. "She's made it clear that she doesn't want me to feel bad or anything, and she doesn't really bring it up, but today we were running and sharing Airpods and her therapist called. So...just made me think about everything." 

"I just had to talk to someone about it. I know that I can't talk to Kelley, she's still mad at me, and I don't want to force Em to talk about it." I wipe a tear that was falling down my cheek. "Sorry that just kind of came out." 

"It's all good Linds, I just thought that you guys had like, broken up or something," she says with a chuckle.

"Yeah, well you can't break up if you aren't together," I let out humorlessly. 

"Wait what?" she freezes. 

"We're not officially together. We just haven't like, made that move yet. We're together but like, not with a label?" My voice gets higher as I go on, and you can hear the questioning in my own voice. 

"I thought that since you had been staying at her place that you two would be official."

I shrug, "We're just taking it slow. Like, we've only made out and cuddled. That's it."

"Wait, really? You guys haven't...ya know, slept together?" she whispers the last part and I can feel my cheeks redden.

"No," I shake my head. "We're taking it slow okay?" I can hear the defensiveness in my voice and I just want Tobin to drop it.

"Okay, okay, there's nothing wrong with that. You know Chris and I took it slow." She holds up her hands in surrender.

"I just, I really care about her-"

"And she knows that. I know that."

"I just don't know how to be there for her when she's going through this because I still haven't like, processed it, ya know?" 

Tobin nods, "Okay, well, have you talked to her about it?"

"Not really. She doesn't really like talking about it and I can't push it." I sigh and sit back, resting my back against the couch and let my head lean against the wall. 

"All you can do is be there for her. And when she's ready to talk about it, she will. You just need to trust her."

Before I can reply, my phone buzzes on the counter. I let out a huff and stand, walking over to the device.

_From Ems_

_is it weird that i miss you already?_

**delivered at 6:49**

_bc i do_

**delivered at 6:49**

I smile down at my phone, missing the girl too before typing out a reply.

_To Ems_

_it is but you've always been weird_

**delivered at 6:51**

_but i miss you too_

**delivered at 6:51**

"Did she just text you?"

I nod, biting my lip. 

"I'm going to go call her, I'll talk to you later," I tell Tobin as I start to text her again. 

"Okay, nice talk," I hear her say and can see her wave as I head into my room.

_Incoming FaceTime from Em_

The next day, I text her before she goes into her 9 am appointment. 

_To Ems_

_if you want to call me after your appointment, i'll have my phone on me. if not, i can't wait to see you at practice. _

**delivered at 8:51**

_From Ems_

_i'll call you after on my way to practice, i'm about to go in_

**delivered at 8:53**

I set my phone down on the counter and go back to eating my breakfast. 

Tobin walks out a few minutes later dressed for practice. "Hey," she says opening the fridge. 

She makes her smoothie and before long, Tobin asks if I'm ready to go. She likes to get to practice early so I search for a place to sit where I can take Em's call, leaving Tobin to do whatever she does.

I find the media room empty and settle down in one of the leather chairs. It isn't long before my phone starts to buzz and I answer on the first ring.

"Hey," she lets out quietly and I hear the car door shut on her end.

"Hi," I say softly.

"How'd it go?"

She lets out a breath and I frown. 

"Em?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here." 

"Everything okay?"

"It was okay. I cried."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not yet. Maybe later."

I pause. "Mkay. Well you know you can always tell me anything right?" My thumbnail finds its way between my teeth, a nervous habit I've picked up recently. 

"I know Linds. I appreciate it." I can hear the sincerity in her voice so it makes me less anxious.

"Do you want me to pick you up some coffee? I'm stopping at Northwest." I know that isn't on her way to the stadium but it's one of her favorite shops. 

If she's having a hard morning and Northwest would make her feel better, I'm not going to stop her.

"Yeah, I'll take a cold brew, soy milk-"

"I know what you like Linds," she says with a laugh. 

"Just making sure," I chuckle. 

"Okay, I'll see you in like fifteen?"

"Okay Em, drive safe." 

"Yes, mom." I know that she's rolling her eyes, but I also know that she has a smile on her face. 

"See you in a few," she says before ending the call. 

I'm waiting for her in the parking lot, wanting to get some time just the two of us before walking in. She's slowly walking in my direction, her practice bag on her arm and a cup of coffee in each hand.

"A kiss for your coffee," she says, holding the cup close to her body and puckering her lips. 

I roll my eyes but smile, pressing my lips against hers before nabbing the iced coffee out of her hand before she notices. 

"Hey!" she laughs once I've stepped back, coffee in hand. 

"Thanks for the coffee," I say with a wink, taking a sip. 

She chuckles and wraps one of her arms around my waist, pulling me in for a hug. 

She holds me tightly, her head resting in the crook of my neck and I hug her back, knowing that she needs this right now. 

I don't know how long we stand there, me holding her, her tucked into my arms. 

"Ready to go in?" I ask, my lips against her forehead. 

I feel her nod and she steps back. 

The rest of practice goes well. 

I try not to hover but I can't seem to pull myself more than ten feet away from her. I don't know if it's because I'm slightly worried about her after her appointment with her therapist. 

I watch her talk with Hayley and Caitlin, as I stand by Tobin. 

"You literally can't take your eyes off of her, do you know that?"

I have to pull myself to look away from her and find Tobin watching me.

"How much longer are you two going to hide it? Because if you two keep making heart eyes at each other, people are going to find out." 

"What are you talking about?" I say with a scoff. 

"You two keep finding each other, your hands are all over the place _on each other, _ and people are starting to wonder." 

"What do you mean?" I ask confused. "We don't do any of those things."

Tobin smirks, eyes looking over my shoulder and I feel a hand on my back and know right away that it's the person we've been talking about.

"Hi," she says with a smile on her face.

"Speak of the devil and they shall appear," Tobin says with a smirk.

"What?" she says with a confused chuckle.

"Nothing. Tobin is just being weird," I say with an eye roll.

"Okaay then?" 

Tobin just shakes her head, knowing that she's right.

Her hand is still on the small of my back and it begins to feel heavy but it's not a bad kind of feeling. 

After practice, I'm sitting on the bench in the locker room, waiting for Em to get all of her stuff together before we head to her apartment. 

I look around the room before realizing that the locker room is completely empty, I stand and step toward where she is, digging through her bag. 

"Em."

"Hm?" she says, still focused on whatever she is doing at the moment. 

One of my hands finds her hip and she turns to look at me, realizing how close we are standing to each other. 

Before I think twice, I'm pushing her up against her locker, my hands landing on her hips and hers find their way to my neck. 

Her tongue finds its way into my mouth and it's hot and heavy and I almost don't hear the locker room door open but luckily I do. 

I step back and pretend to be searching for something in my gym bag that's sitting on the ground. Em goes back to facing her locker as Kelli walks in, trying to cover up her flushed face.

"Hey guys, have you seen my phone? I think I left it in here," she says, looking around the room.

"Nope, we haven't seen it," Em says, trying to catch her breath. 

I turn my head, trying to hide the blush that I know is on my face. 

Kelli rummages around her locker before yelling. "Got it!" 

I turn to look at her and give her a thumbs up and Sonny says "yay" over excitedly. 

She leaves the room, waving behind her and Em bites her lip, trying to hide her laugh. 

I make sure the door is shut before standing up, letting laughter make its way out of my mouth. Her eyes are wide and she's covering her mouth.

"We need to leave before someone else walks in," I say and Em nods, grabbing her bag.

Honestly, it was going too well. I should have known that something would happen.

It's our one off day before our game against Houston and I'm at Em's like I've been almost every day since we got back. 

Between us, things are going great. She's shown me a different side of her, one that's soft and sweet, kind and affectionate, perfect almost girlfriend material. 

I'm sitting on her island counter, as she's moving around her kitchen, searching for something to cook lunch with. My feet are dangling off the edge as I watch her putter around. 

I motion for her to come here, wanting to be near to her, suddenly feeling needy.

"What's up, babe?" 

Oh yeah, that's something new too. It wasn't even on purpose, it just slipped out of her mouth one night when we were laying in her bed, she was running her hands through my hair. Honestly, I don't even remember what we were talking about, but it came out accidentally. 

And it still catches me off guard, bringing a smile to my face. 

But now, she's standing in between my legs, her hands landing on my thighs, rubbing them softly. 

I sit up, my hands finding their way to her shoulders, my fingers playing with the strap of her tank top and then my hands traveling to her neck. Her baby hairs fallen out of her low bun tangle in my fingers aimlessly. 

"Hm?" she says, waiting for me to say something. 

So instead of saying something, I bring her lips to mine. 

And I don't know if we're both too preoccupied or not paying attention, but neither of us hears the door open. We do hear someone let out a scream.

We both turn to the sound and see Caitlin and Ellie frozen in the doorway. 

Emily steps back from where she was standing and I slide off the counter. 

Cait slams the door behind them, her hand landing on her hip with a knowing look on her face, not upset though.

"What was that?" Ellie asks, her mouth dropping open. 

"Well, you see-"

"I am here!" Hayley shouts, opening the door wide, holding a bottle of some sort of alcohol in her hands.

When she sees everyone standing around, not moving, she tilts her head. "What's wrong?" before shutting the door behind her softly.

"Did you know that these two were together?" Ellie says, pointing at us.

"We're-"

"We haven't been-"

"Um, yeah," Hayley says nodding, setting the bottle down, next to where my hip is resting against the island counter. 

"WHAT?" Ellie screams and Caitlin laughs. 

"I knew it! I knew it, I knew it," Cait claps her hand, dancing around. 

I glance at Em, trying to gauge her reaction. 

She's biting her lip, a timid, apprehensive look on her face. She looks at me, unsure of what to say. 

We've talked about telling people, but she's been letting me decide when to make that decision, not wanting to push me. 

We aren't official so I don't know what to actually call us. 

I step towards her, grabbing her hand, "We are a thing," I say smiling shyly.

"Wait, how long have you known?" Ellie asks Hayley.

"Since they got back from Atlanta, so like nine days."

My eyes widen, realizing that it's _only _been nine days since we've become a thing. 

It feels like so much more time has passed

"So...you broke up with Hayley and then started dating Lindsey?" Caitlin asks, head tilted in confusion. 

Emily grimaces, realizing how bad it sounds. "It's not like that," Hayley jumps in.

"Honestly, I thought you two were together before but then you and Hayley started dating. I'm happy for you two though. I thought you guys would end up together anyway," Ellie shrugs. 

"How many people know?" Cait butts in.

"Well, Kelley, Tobin, Hayley and now you two," I say nodding at them. "We're kind of keeping this just between us for now." 

Both Ellie and Caitlin nod, getting the message. 

"Can we just drink now?" Hayley asks, rolling her eyes. "I thought this was what we came here for?" she asks.

"Yes, please," I nod.

Em finds her way to me while the girls start to get out glasses and other drinks. 

"You okay?" she whispers, hands landing on my hips as I lean against her counter.

"Yeah," I say nodding, "I'm okay with them knowing." 

"Really?" she asks, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, they're our best friends. It feels nice, telling people," I say softly. 

She smiles, but I can see the hesitation, not wanting to push me. 

"It's okay, I promise," I say, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. At this moment I want to kiss her, and I know that I can. So I do. 

"Aww!"

"They're so cute!"

"That's disgusting."

I smile against her lips and laugh. She shakes her head and steps back before grabbing my hand and pulling me to the couch, "C'mon babe." 

I don't know how long they're planning on staying, but it's close to ten o'clock and I'm getting tired. I can't help the yawn that escapes my lips and lean into Em, her arm wraps around my torso.

"Getting sleepy?" she mumbles, pressing her lips against my forehead. 

I shrug, knowing that if I say yes, the girls will have to leave but know that I won't be able to stay awake for much longer. 

"Okay guys, I think we're going to hit the hay. I'll call you an Uber," Em stands up letting me fall back against the couch.

"Oooh, you're trying to kick us out for sexy time," Cait raises her eyebrows suggestively. 

"No," Em shakes her head, a light chuckle before setting glasses down in the sink. "We're all tired, plus Ellie is asleep on my couch," she nods her head in the direction of the sleeping girl.

"Oh shit," Cait says, laughing. 

"C'mon everyone. Uber is outside," she says after getting a notification on her phone.

Caitlin wakes up Ellie and Hayley stands too. 

"Goodnight Linds," Cait wraps me in a hug, whispering in my ear, "I'm happy for you two."

I squeeze her back before she lets go.

"Gnight Lindsey. Don't do anything that we wouldn't do," she tries to wink but ends up blinking twice. I just laugh and shake my head.

Em helps Caitlin carry Ellie out the door after she stumbles, leaving Hayley to trail after them. 

She pauses at the door, turning to look back at me. "I'm happy for you two. She seems happier," I give her a tight smile.

"Thanks, Hayley," I nod. 

She nods in return and disappears, shutting the door behind her as she goes.

I fall back on the couch, letting out a sigh.

Em comes back in a few minutes later, locking the door behind her. 

"Hi," she says, coming to sit down next to me on her couch.

"Are you upset that we don't have sexy time?" the question comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.

"What?" 

My head falls against the back of the couch, heavy after tonight's drinking. 

"I just- I don't want you to be disappointed because we don't have that." 

"Linds, where is this coming from?" she leans her head against the back of the couch too, so we're eye to eye.

"Just, Cait brought it up-"

"She was just messing with us."

"I want to have sexy time with you-"

"And we will, but we will when _we're _ready. And you're drunk right now."

"Do you not want to have sexy time with me?" I can hear the whine in my own voice.

She chuckles, muttering "That could not be more wrong." 

"And when are you going to ask me out?" 

That makes her freeze. "What?"

"I want to be your girlfriend. Officially." 

She looks taken back by my statement, but I'm on a roll when I'm drunk apparently. 

"Do you not want to be girlfriends?" I let out with a pout.

"Babe," she pushes the hair out of my eyes that had fallen when I titled my head. "Of course I want to be girlfriends, there is nothing I want more than that. But I didn't think you were ready."

"I want that. So bad." 

"Okay," she says, grabbing my hands. "Why don't we talk about this when you've had less alcohol in your bloodstream?"

I nod, letting her pull me up from the couch and I follow her into her room.

"We need to get you into bed. It's bedtime, okay?"

She helps maneuver me into what is now basically become my spot on her bed. 

"Thank you for taking care of me when I'm drunk," I mutter, my face squished against one of her pillows as I flip onto my stomach.

"Of course," she says, coming out of her bathroom in her pajamas. "I'll always take care of you." She drops into the bed next to me, her hand rubbing circles on my back. 

"I really like you," I can feel the stupid smile on my lips and my eyes start to close.

"I really like you too," she says, kissing my cheek. "Now go to bed drunky." 

When I wake up, the next morning the light is seeping through the blinds, momentarily blinding me. 

I turn my head, looking for a certain blonde but find the bed empty. Before I can sit up and look around, the bedroom door opens slowly, the same head of blonde hair poking her head in. 

When she sees that I'm awake, she opens the door a little wider before leaning on the door frame. "Hi."

"Hi," I say, smiling. 

"I brought you some coffee," she says, stepping into the room, sitting on the end of the bed, handing me a mug of steaming liquid. 

"Thanks," I say, tiredly, sitting up. 

Em's eyes dart to my head and I can only imagine the shape of my bedhead. 

"How's your headache?" 

"I don't really have one," I reply taking a sip out of the cup of liquid heaven.

"Good," she smiles and pauses. "Do you remember what we talked about after the girls left?" the hesitation clear in her voice.

I have both hands wrapped around my mug, holding it tightly. I look at Em sitting across from me over the cup. 

"Do you mean the part where I asked why we weren't having sex or the one where I asked why you hadn't asked me out yet?"

A blush makes its way from her neck up to her cheeks, and she smiles shyly. 

"Of course I want you to be my girlfriend Linds," she says as I rest the coffee cup on her nightstand and reach for her hand, "I just didn't want to push you. And if you don't want that right now, I'm good with that too-"

"I want that," I let out, almost breathlessly. 

She nods, "Okay well, I want that too." 

I bite my lip, trying to hide my smile. "So are you asking me to be your girlfriend, officially and everything?" 

She rolls her eyes but can't keep the smile off her face. "Yes," she says exasperatedly, "I am asking you, Lindsey Horan, the Great Horan, if you will be my girlfriend?"

I bring my hand up to my chin, pretending to think about it. "Hm, no." 

"No?" her eyes widen and she feigns surprise. 

I shake my head no, laughing. 

She pushes me back so I'm flat on my back and she falls down next to me. "Say yes." 

I shake my head again, smirking. She scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest, pretending to pout. 

"Fiiiine," I let out, as she settles down next to me. "Yes," I say softly. "I would like to be your girlfriend Em."

I know that my smile is as big as hers right now. And when she leans over to bring her lips to mine, I pull her down so that she falls down on top of me. 

We're both laughing but she doesn't pull away from me, letting me wrap her in my arms and hold her close to me.

"As my _girlfriend, _I require lots of cuddles and kisses," I mumble from where my head is resting in the crook of her shoulder. 

She just chuckles and moves us so that I'm resting against her chest while she gets comfortable. I grab her hand and intertwine our fingers. And I know that at this moment, I could stay here forever, laying next to her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii all, I hope you are all doing well.
> 
> Life is a shit show rn for me as I'm sure it is for everyone else, but we're hanging in there! (right? maybe?)
> 
> Now down to business...  
I know this might seem like a filler chapter but I had to move them along. How are we feeling about it? How do you think they'll be moving forward?
> 
> Who is the bigger softy honestly? (i know who i think it is!)  
Both have things they need to work on: lindsey is still incredibly insecure and Emily still hasn't accepted that she needs help sometimes.  
Tobin knows now...dun dun dun. how do we think that will play out?
> 
> Also, someone had to walk in on them obviously. Luckily it was only Caitlin and Ellie.
> 
> I know it seems like a lot hasn't happened, but it's only been like two and a half weeks but fear not! We are getting there!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you think!
> 
> p.s. i'm so uncreative when it comes to chapter titles so i apologize in advance. 
> 
> p.p.s. this is like the longest chapter i've written, do y'all prefer long chapters or short chapters?


	17. Knowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going to pretend that that game went a little differently than it really did and that there was a week between said game and the USWNT game vs Korea and also that there was only one game, not two for the story's purpose. Okay that is all for now. 

**Emily's POV **

I thought Tobin knowing would be bad. 

But Caitlin and Ellie knowing is _so_ much worse. 

I know that I can take the taunting and the teasing. But I don't know if Lindsey can. 

When we showed up to practice together yesterday, Caitlin asked really loudly in the locker room "Sonny why is it that you only give Lindsey a ride to practice? She lives two minutes away."

I roll my eyes but before I can respond, I see Hayley walk over and flick her ear. "Stop being a little shit," she says as Cait whines.

When Lindsey and I are walking from the locker room to the pitch together like we normally do, Ellie runs to catch up with us, shoving herself in between us and throwing her arms around our shoulders. "Hey there you two, you look awfully cozy," a smirk evident on her face. 

I glance over Ellie to see that Lindsey is clearly uncomfortable from our friend's current game of calling us out. 

I shrink from under her grip, trying to get free. When I do, she turns to look at me, giving Lindsey the perfect opportunity to escape as well. 

She looks back at Lindsey and then at me, her mouth shaped like an 'o'. "You two are no fun," as she pretends to pout. 

Now that they know, every time we're near each other, they make kissy faces at us. I look back at Lindsey who is purposely avoiding eye contact with the two, her hands clenched by her side. 

"Hey," I say softly, reaching for her hand. "Ignore them, okay? They're just being stupid." 

I loosen her hand and can see the nail imprints she left, obviously bothered by their antics. She finally looks up from the ground and when she sees me worried about her, her gaze softens and her hands unclench completely. 

She nods her head, I let her hand go. We're still at practice.

The taunting and the teasing only gets worse. I know they mean well but it's starting to get _really_ annoying. 

Lindsey and I are talking about our new drill, how I'm going to try and force the ball to stay outside of the midfield and send it up to her, when I hear Caitlin yell from yards away, "Oui! Love birds, pay attention!" 

I turn and hold my hands up, confused. "What the fuck Cait?"

Turning back to Lindsey, I see her eyes cast down to the ground, and she's shuffling from one foot to the other. "I'm uh, going to go over there," she points her thumb in the other direction before leaving.

I sigh as she walks away before heading in the direction of a smirking Aussie.

She skitters away when she sees my scowl, hiding behind Hayley. 

The rest of practice, we _try_ to stay a large distance away from each other unless we absolutely have to. 

When we do have to be near each other or are paired for a drill, we're professional, focused on the task. 

But maybe I do catch her eyes lingering or feel her fingertips graze my arm as she walks by. 

Maybe I accidentally miss a ball when I look around, trying to find her with my eyes. 

Maybe we're attached at the hip, but maybe we were before. 

Maybe no one is noticing the way I gravitate towards her and she gravitates towards me like we're magnetically connected, pulled into each other's orbit. 

But when it's just the two of us, we're in our own world and don't have to hide anything. 

She lets her fingers dance across my abdomen when she hugs me from behind, placing a kiss on my neck as I try to make dinner. She's at my apartment more than she's at her own lately, but I'm not complaining. 

Or when she's stretched out on my couch and I squeeze between her and the cushions, resting my head on her sternum and she scratches my back with her nails as a movie plays on the TV.

After a little while, I get up to refill my glass of water and when I come back, she's sitting up. I set my cup down on the coffee table and she grabs my hands, dragging me to stand between her knees. 

She pulls me down and my knees sink on either side of her thighs. Her hands land on my hips, and I let mine rest on the back of her neck, tangling in her hair. 

She presses her lips against the corner of my mouth and then ghosts them across my jaw. I'm too focused on where her lips are going to feel her thumbs pressing against the sliver of skin that's showing above my Nike shorts. 

I don't notice until her thumbs have made their way up to the underwire of my bra and she pulls away, eyebrows raised.

I nod my head and press my lips against hers that are needy, wanting. She deepens the kiss, sliding her tongue into my mouth.

My shirt finds the floor and she presses open mouth kisses along the now exposed skin, across my collar bone and up my neck. 

When her lips find the spot between my jaw and my neck, a sound escapes my mouth I didn't know I could make. There, she nips and licks at the skin. 

I know in the morning I might have a nasty bruise but I couldn't care less right now. 

"Em," she says breathlessly, pupils dilated and eyes hooded. 

At that moment, I feel something begin to pull at my insides.

I bite my lip, looking down at her as her fingers are dipping into the waistband of my shorts. 

"Are you sure?" I ask. I can hear the want in my voice but I want to make sure that she is completely sure about this.

Nodding her head, she presses a quick kiss against my lips. "So sure." 

So I stand and stick my hand out for her to grab it before walking in the direction of my bedroom. 

I shut the door behind us, taking a deep breath as my back is towards the blonde.

When I turn back around, Lindsey is standing near the foot of my bed, unsure of what to do.

I close the space between us, my hands landing on her hips as hers make their way up my arms, before finding the back of my neck. 

My hands move up to the hem of her shirt, lifting is as I go, slowly, making sure that she's still comfortable with it. 

Once her shirt is off and on the floor, she reaches for her own bra, pulling it over her head. 

I lean forward, placing soft kisses along the swell of her chest. I can feel her heart beating erratically and when I glance up, I see her eyes closed, her head thrown back, biting her lip.

And when I sink to my knees, my hands find her shorts and slowly slide them down her legs, trailing my lips along her skin as I go. 

I look up, my hands finding her underwear but pausing until she nods her head in approval. 

She steps out of them before pulling me up to place her lips against mine. 

"Clothes. Off. Now." I laugh as her fingers move across my skin.

"Eager now, are we?" I reply, and she just blushes before hooking her fingers in my shorts.

Those, along with my underwear, meet the pile of her clothes on the floor.

We both stand there, taking a second to admire each other's body. 

"You are so beautiful," tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and she looks at the ground, bashfully.

"Lay back for me baby," I say, softly pushing her shoulders back, until the back of her knees meet the edge of my bed. 

Our hands are on each other, exploring, tracing patterns and feeling. 

And we're lost in each other, our bodies becoming one, together. Bringing each other to the edge, and then falling, crashing down, in a pile of limbs, of breathless whispers. 

When I wake up in the morning, it takes me a minute to realize that I can feel all of Lindsey's skin pressed against mine, flushed and warm, holding me close.

Her back is exposed, the sheet falling right at her hips, letting me run my fingertips aimlessly down and back up again. 

I don't mean to wake her up so when she starts to stir, I freeze. 

She smiles lazily, her eyes squinting due to the sunlight peeking in from my blinds, her hand reaching out to grab mine. 

"Good morning," I say softly. 

"Mhm," is all I hear due to her face being pressed against the pillow.

"I can make you breakfast, but then we need to head to the stadium."

"I don't want to get up," she whines. "I want to stay in bed all day."

"I know baby and I would too," I say, pressing a kiss against her nose, "but we have a game today."

She uses that moment to wrap her arm around my torso, pulling me down on top of her where she begins her assault along my neck. 

"Lindsey," I say laughing. 

She throws her head back, "Fiiiine," and loosening her hold on me. I take the opportunity to slide off her, standing up and stretching. 

I glance back over my shoulder and find her shamelessly checking me out, biting her lip. I smirk before rolling my eyes and walk over to my dresser to grab some clothes, heading to the bathroom.

I set my clothes on my bathroom counter and then turn to examine myself in the mirror. 

My eyes widen when I see the scattered marks left against my chest and then along my hipline. 

I stare for a second before slipping on my clothes and brushing my teeth, my face blushing even though no one is there to see it.

Pregame warm-up before we play the Dash and I somehow, someway end up in a group with Caitlin, Ellie, Hayley, Lindsey, Midge, and Gabby for 5v2. 

Before I can nominate two people to be in the middle, Caitlin opens her mouth.

"I think Linds and Sonny should be in the middle!" with a smug smile on her face. I roll my eyes and flip her off as I walk to the middle. She pretends to act offended and Ellie laughs. 

Midge nudges Lindsey's shoulder to get in the middle as well. 

It takes me two tries before I can steal the ball from Caitlin, and we switch, leaving me next to Kelli and Ellie. 

"Got any plans after the game today?" Kelli asks.

"Not sure yet, but I'll probably just head home after," I answer with a shrug.

"Well, if you're feeling up for it, I think a few of us are going to the bar after. You should come." 

I nod, "I might," not wanting to say yes and commit myself to something when I'm unsure of what Lindsey wants to do. 

Later, during our water break, I'm standing across from Lindsey, talking about our last drill. Both of us taking a sip from our water bottles when Thing 1 and Thing 2 walk over to where we're standing.

"Why don't you two share one water bottle? It's not like you haven't swapped spit before," Caitlin says and Ellie has her eyebrows raised.

Lindsey's eyes widen and she chokes on the drink of water she had just taken. Her eyes are wide as she takes a second to breathe again. Her face is red, maybe because she was coughing or maybe because she's embarrassed.

"I'm- uh I'm going to go find Tobin." Her eyes flash to mine and there's something in them I just can't place before she turns and walks away.

My head snaps to look at dumb and dumber. "Can you two cool it with everything?" I ask with clenched teeth.

They both laugh but when they see me actually scowling, actually angry, actually upset about this, they stop.

They're quiet so I keep going. "It's making her really uncomfortable, okay? Mess with me all you want but _please _lay off her. You both know she's not ready for people to know," I say, shaking my head.

"We're just giving you guys a hard time," El says softly, like a kid that knows they're in trouble.

"She's been really stressed about people finding out before she's ready, okay. Just, lay off her alright?" I say, exasperated.

"Sorry mate," Cait says scratching the back of her head. Ellie nods adding a sorry too. 

"Thank you." I turn my head in Lindsey's direction, wanting to check on her. She's standing next to Tobin and Kling but not joining the conversation, looking visibly upset about something. 

Before any of us could do anything more, someone blows a whistle, letting us know our break was over. 

We don't get a chance to talk for the rest of the practice, all focused on our game later today until practice is over. 

We start to head back into the locker room when the Dash players arrive, knowing that that's our cue to get off the pitch. 

As we're all headed inside, I search for Lindsey only to find her looking for me. 

When our eyes meet, we both smile at the same time. I know that it was less than an hour that I couldn't really be with her, and I am well aware of how whipped I am when I'm walking toward her, missing her. 

She waits for me at this end of the tunnel and I bump her shoulder when I finally get my feet to walk my body over to her. 

"Hey, Linds." 

"Hey, Sonnett."

"Caitlin and Ellie are looking for you."

She sighs and I can see her body tense up. "Hey, I talked to them. They said they'll cut it out okay?" 

She stops walking and I only notice when I'm two steps ahead of her.

"What's wrong?" I ask, worried, grabbing her hands. 

"I just, I hate that I can't tell people you're my girlfriend. Like, I know I can, but I hate that I _can't._"

I can hear in her voice how stressed she is, how much this has been bothering her. 

We've talked about this a little bit but not much: Lindsey coming out.

Lindsey wanting to be out but afraid of how everyone would take it. How people would react, how her parents would react. 

"Hey, Linds, _it's okay. _I know you do, I know babe," I pull her in for a hug, wanting to take all her worries away. 

Because I do know.

What it's like to be scared, terrified of how people will react. I know what it's like to have everything go so wrong when you're trying to tell the people you care about most.

So I know that I'd do anything for Lindsey to not have that same experience. That's why I haven't brought it up, and why I'm not pushing. 

We'll go at her pace.

I also know that if we keep talking about this right now, she's still going to be upset during the game. 

"I know that you want to talk about this, and you know I will support you no matter what, but I also know that we have a game. And I don't want you to be upset during the game okay?" She pulls away from the hug and uses the back of her hand to wipe away the tears from her cheek. 

I have to remind myself that we're at work and I can't really kiss her here, even though I really want to. So instead I give her hip a squeeze before putting more space between us. 

"Good?" I ask softly. 

She nods her head and we walk the rest of the way to the locker room. 

If anyone is curious as to why we came in a few minutes later than everyone else, no one mentions it. 

When it's time to get ready for the game, we're all changing from our practice clothes to our kits when I hear Kelli yell my game and whistle. I turn, confused, only in my sports bra and training shorts.

"What?" I ask, confused. 

"What the hell happened to you?" Midge asks, eyes wide and chuckles.

"I think you mean, _who _happened to you." Kelli raises her eyebrows suggestively and I look down. 

"Oh fuck," I mutter under my breath and grab my shirt, slipping it over my head. 

"You got a boo thang?" Midge smirks.

I know that my face is bright red and I look over at Caitlin and Ellie who are snickering behind their hands.

"No, leave me alone." I push them away playfully, but also really wanting them to drop it. Luckily they do. 

I glance over at Lindsey, who is across the locker room, beat red face, standing next to a laughing Tobin. 

The game was frustrating. Tobin got a goal in the first half but that was it. We were all frustrated, wanting to be up by more than one, but just couldn't find the back of the net. 

We all wanted to beat the Dash by more than one, at least we should have. 

The locker room is almost silent after the game ends, all of us knowing that we could've done better.

After I shower, I grab my phone out of my locker, not having looked at it during halftime, to see an appointment reminder text from my therapist's office.

"Crap," I say to myself. I had forgotten about my appointment tomorrow. 

I look for Lindsey around the locker room. I know that we talked about her coming over tonight but that was before I remembered my appointment tomorrow. 

I find her slipping into her sneakers by her locker and walk over. She looks up when she hears me coming. 

"I'm almost ready, just give me like five minutes."

"No you're good, I just forgot that I have an appointment tomorrow," lowering my voice, "with my therapist." 

Her eyebrows furrow, but I keep talking. 

"I wasn't sure if you still wanted to come over..."

"Oh," she pauses, "I mean, I would like to, but only if you want me to." 

"I do," I say nodding. "I just wasn't sure..."

Sinc walks over to her locker that's right next to Lindsey's and that's the end of our conversation. 

Lindsey tries to get me to eat something for breakfast the next morning but I tell her I'm not hungry. When she looks hesitant, I try to ease her worry.

"I never eat before I see her, babe. But I promise I'll get something after okay?"

She's quiet for a second and I know that she's thinking.

"What if I just go with you and we can get something after? I can sit in the car-"

"Linds, you really don't have to, I can come get you after."

She walks over to where I'm resting my hip against my kitchen countertop. Her hands find my hip and she looks down at me with an annoyed look.

"Will you just let me do something for you, please?"

I can hear the desperation almost in her voice.

I bite my lip and my eyes look at the ground.

"Em," she waits for me to find her eyes again. "I don't have to, but I'd really like to if you'll let me."

"Yeah, okay," I say softly as she smiles.

I can feel my heart beating faster in my chest. I can feel the nerves begin to start.

I tell myself that it's okay, it's going to be okay. It's literally just Lindsey. My girlfriend.

When she parks the car outside of a redbrick building, she turns to look at me after turning the car off.

"Do you want me to go in with you?" she asks, reaching for my hand across the console.

I know that I could say no. But I say yes instead.

She nods and opens her door, putting the car keys in her sweatpants pocket.

The door to the office building dings when I open the door, a sound I'm used to.

The receptionist, a woman named Sara, smiles when she sees me walk in. Her eyes shift over to Lindsey but only for a millisecond before focusing back on me.

"Hi Sonnett," she says with a smile.

"Hey Sara," I reply with a strained smile.

"I'll let her know you're here. Can I get you guys anything?"

I turn to look at Lindsey, "Do you want some water or something?"

She shakes her head, "No, thank you."

"We're good," I say, turning back to Sara. She gives me a thumbs-up before picking up the phone to tell Jacqui I'm here.

I step into the room more, walking over to the blue sofas and love seats that make up the waiting room. Lindsey trailing behind me silently.

I take the sofa, scooting to one side so Lindsey can sit next to me.

My knee starts to bounce and my fingers begin to tap the side of my thigh.

"Son," I hear next to me, pulling me out of my trance. It's Lindsey with a worried look on her face, her eyebrows furrowed.

She grabs my fidgeting hand in hers, intertwining our fingers. My knee starts to slow down, eventually stopping.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to-"

"I'll be fine."

"Really Linds-"

She gives me a pointed look to let me know that I can't and won't be changing her mind.

"It's just, it takes an hour. Sixty minutes, that's a long time-"

"I'll be fine Em."

My eyes shift to focus on our hands, resting against my thigh. I look up to see if Sara is watching, but like normal she is pretending she doesn't see anything.

I hear the creak of a door opening and know what that means.

"Emily?"

I hear the surprise in her voice, not expecting Lindsey to be there as well.

"I'll be out in a bit, okay?" I say, squeezing her hand, before standing up and letting her hand fall. 

She nods, giving me a reassuring smile before I follow Jacqui into her office.

I let myself fall into the black leather sofa, the dark blue room feeling unusually cozy.

She crosses her legs and has the notepad in her lap, pen ready to write, eyebrows raised in questioning.

"What?" I ask defensively.

"How are you doing?"

My shoulders shrug, "I'm okay."

She gives me a look. One I know that means she won't take that answer.

"I am...tired. I feel drained. Anxiety is draining."

"What's draining about it?"

I sigh. "Having to act like everything is okay on the outside when it's not on the inside."

"Why do you have to act like everything is okay? Why can't you just act like how you're feeling?"

"Because then everyone would know."

"Know what?"

"That everything isn't okay," I answer in almost a whisper, my eyes focused on the string of my hoodie.

She doesn't say anything for a moment and I don't know that she's thinking.

"I noticed that you brought someone with you," her tone curious but not invading.

I don't need to tell her who it is, she already knows.

"She wanted to come with me and then get breakfast after. So I let her come." I shrug, trying to play it off.

"That's really good Emily," she smiles genuinely.

I nod, not knowing what else to say.

"Does that mean you're opening up?"

I raise my eyebrows, "Do you really think I'm opening up?" I ask sarcastically.

She rolls her eyes, used to my antics. "Okay, so one step in the right direction, let's talk about some other steps we can take."

Fifty-five minutes later I'm stepping out of Jacqui's office, trying to make it look like I hadn't been crying.

I wasn't expecting Lindsey to stay so when she looks up, I'm sure my face shows my surprise.

She frowns when she sees my face but stands to meet me.

"You stayed," I say, just for the two of us to hear.

Her frown deepens and she tucks a fallen piece of hair behind my ear.

"Of course I did."

She waits for me to say something but when I don't she asks if I'm ready to go. I nod and she grabs my hand, headed to the door.

In the car, she's watching me cautiously.

"Can we go get some food?" I ask, wanting to get out of here.

Lindsey nods, "Yeah, of course. Northwest?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

We're standing in line to order when she says, "Why don't you go sit down? I can order for you."

"Mkay," I reply, turning my head, looking for a table that isn't too close to anyone else. I find a booth tucked in the corner, away from everyone that looks cozy.

A few minutes later, she slides into the opposite side with a number stand and two coffee cups. "I got you a cinnamon roll and your usual."

"Thank you," I wrap my hands around my drink and taking a sip.

She nods and takes a sip of her own drink.

I look down at the table, my fingers twiddling with the sleeve of my coffee cup.

"I-I don't really know how to talk about things..."

"We don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to okay?" I can hear the softness in her voice, like she doesn't want to push it too far, like she's letting me set the pace.

"I want to, I do, I just...I need time." 

I finally get up the courage to look at the girl sitting across from me. 

She reaches her hand across the table to grab mine, "And that's okay Em. I'm going to be here whenever you're ready."

I nod, and she gives my hand a loving squeeze before taking her hand back as someone brings our food over.

We decided that the night before we would leave for Tacoma, Lindsey would stay at her place so that she could get all the things she needed for the trip. Plus we had to meet at the stadium at 8 in the morning to catch the bus. 

I had never been a morning person, this day wasn't any different. 

I was standing next to Caitlin and Ellie who were talking to each other, me zoning out, half asleep standing up. 

I felt a hand on my back and turn, meeting Lindsey, who looked all too put together for 7:30 in the morning. She's holding a styrofoam cup out for me to grab and when I see the Starbucks logo, my mouth waters.

I grab it from her hands, holding it in both of mine, letting the hot liquid warm me up. "Thank you," I say sweetly, batting my eyelashes at her. 

"Hey, where's my coffee?" I hear Caitlin ask defensively. 

"You don't give me kisses," she says in a sassy attitude. 

"I could," Caitlin replies, with the same amount of attitude.

Ellie scoffs next to her, pretending to look offended. 

"Kidding love," Cait says, pressing a kiss on her cheek before wrapping her arms around the younger girl. 

Ellie rolls her eyes but smiles. 

Lindsey bumps her hip next to mine and I turn to look at her. "Can we go get on the bus? I'm freezing." She tries to warm herself up by rubbing her hands together but we both know that's not going to help.

I nod and we head to the front of the bus. 

Eventually, everyone else makes their way onto the bus and we're ready to go. I hand Linds one of my Airpods, keeping the other for myself. 

As she grabs it from my hand, I look at the sleeve of her jacket, noticing that it looks familiar. 

"Hey," she looks up at me. "That's my jacket!"

Her face reddens. 

"When did you steal that from me?" I ask laughing.

"Like after the first time I stayed over. I'm surprised it took you this long to realize it was gone." 

My mouth drops. "I've been looking for it!"

She shrugs, a small smirk on her lips. "Too bad, it's mine now." 

I roll my eyes, "Don't worry, I'll get it back." 

She shakes her head and in a singsong voice replies "No you won't." 

We spend the rest of the bus ride pressed against each other, hands intertwined. Here on the bus, everyone is used to our closeness, so no one says anything. 

But when we get to the Cheney stadium a few hours later, both of us know that it's time to act professional. Not that we weren't already, but now there's no funny business. 

At practice, we encourage and push each other. At practice, we're teammates. 

The hotel is another story. 

We haven't talked about that...yet. 

When Parson's calls out room assignments, I hold my breath. 

"Caitlin and Sonnett. Lindsey and Ellie."

I find Caitlin and she's already got our room keys, bag in tow. We head towards the elevator and she leans in close to my ear, "How about me and Lindsey do a switcheroo?"

I look at her, confused as we step onto the lift. 

She rolls her eyes, "Me and Lindsey switch so that you can be with her and I can be will El." 

My eyes widen, understanding what she's saying. "Oh, um, sure but I would ask Linds if she wants to first." 

"She'll say yes, I know it," she replies, typing something on her phone.

I shrug, "If she says yes, I'm down." 

Her phone chimes a few seconds later, "Told you she would say yes. Sweet, they're 657, what are we?" 

I look at the envelope she's got in her hands, "829." 

The elevator doors open on floor eight and I step off, taking the envelope from her hands. "I guess I'll see you at dinner?" I ask. 

She nods her head in reply as the doors shut, and I look for room 829. It doesn't take me long to find it and get inside, putting my Thorns issued suitcase by the wall. 

A few minutes later, there's a knock at the door and I jump to open it. 

Lindsey is standing on the other side, a faint blush on her cheeks.

"Hi," she whispers. 

I lean my body against the door, a smile on my face.

"Are you going to let me in?" she asks after a second.

"Oh yeah, duh," I push the door open more, letting her walk through before shutting it softly behind her. 

After putting her suitcase next to mine, she turns to look at me, as I stand there leaning against the doorframe. 

"If we do this, we're not having sex, okay?" she holds her finger out in warning.

I scoff, "I didn't think we were! That's why I told Cait she had to ask you before switching rooms." I push up off the door, walking towards where she is standing.

She has a skeptical look on her face, not believing me.

"I promise."

She finally nods, giving in and closing the space between us. "I sleep better when I'm with you so I wanted to anyways."

I smile, my arms wrapping around her torso, "Do you really?"

She rolls her eyes, "Don't act surprised."

I press a kiss against her jaw and her hands land on my hips. 

"I sleep better with you too." 

She presses her lips against mine softly before stepping back and grabbing her phone. "C'mon, let's go get dinner." 

Later that night, Lindsey falls asleep before me, her mouth slightly ajar as she snores. I shake my head smiling, kissing her forehead before turning off the lamp next to me. 

In the morning, when we're standing next to each other over the sink, me making silly faces as I brush my teeth and her trying not to laugh in the reflection, it feels so...domestic. 

Like I could wake up and start my morning with her every day.

But I push the thought from my mind, way too soon to be thinking those things.

At breakfast, I'm sitting with Linds on one side and Tobin on the other. Hayley, Caitlin, and Ellie are across from us, the Aussies arguing about something but I wasn't paying attention to what. 

Without thinking, my hand lands on Lindsey's thigh under the table as I'm talking to Tobin about the new Re-Inc drop. 

I hear someone cough suggestively from across the table and turn to see Hayley with her eyebrows raised, darting to when my land is resting.

"Oh, shit," I say quietly, my face blushing at being caught. It had just become an instinct, I didn't even think about it. 

I look around the room, luckily no one is staring at us questionably so I know that no one else saw. 

Lindsey gives me a tight-lipped smile, an emotion face flashes across her face and I don't have time to decipher it before it disappears. 

Before long we're on the bus, heading to the stadium and she's got her head on my shoulder, her hand in mine. Here neither of us is looking over our shoulder to see who's watching. 

But that stops when we're off the bus. Outside of where people wouldn't think anything of it. Where we have to act like we're only best friends. 

I told Lindsey this morning that she was going to want her long sleeves under her jersey but she just shook her head, so when we're warming up before the game and she's shivering, I smirk and say "I told you but you didn't listen to me." 

She sticks her tongue out at me and I just shake my head, laughing. 

Caitlin walks over and Lindsey runs over to her, cuddling into her, "Warm me up since she's being a meanie." 

Cait tsks at me before wrapping her arms around her and pressing a kiss on her cheek. "I'll keep you warm darlin."

I roll my eyes and go back to stretching. 

It's not long before they have to separate and actually start practicing too. 

Looking back, I know that I could have handled the situation differently. 

I remember saying hi to Pinoe and Allie, hugging them both. I remember doing our handshake with Lindsey before the game.

I remember being cold when the second half started. 

I remember watching as Lindsey collided with Yanez. It took her a second but I saw her get up out of the corner of my eye so I knew she was good. 

I knew that she was getting pushed around a lot but she always does so I wasn't worried about it. 

Then Dagny got elbowed in the nose and we were all standing around. It was me, Linds, and Pinoe. Lindsey was complaining about the cold and I said, "I told you you've should've worn your long sleeves." 

She just rolled her eyes and tried to hide her smile, it didn't work very well. Pinoe was watching the two of us with a look in her eyes, I brushed it off when the ref called for the game to start again.

It was her ankle first. I had to watch from the other side of the field as Pierre went over to check on her. I could see from where I was standing next to Menges that she said "shit, fuck" in that order and I chuckled to myself.

When she pulled her jersey over her mouth, I knew that she was saying some more choice words she didn't anyone else to hear. 

But when she walked off to the side so he could keep looking at it, I knew it was fine. She would just probably have a nasty bruise later. 

And then she gets tripped up by Catley and basically summersaults, getting just completely plowed over again. 

To make matters worse, she missed her free-kick. I knew that now, she was beating herself up almost as bad as everyone else was. 

And then I was trying to get the ball back from Balcer and I was just a little too rough. I didn't mean to take her down, earing a yellow card, but I made sure to apologize after. 

When she goes in for a tackle I hold my breath as she goes crashing down.

The game isn't stopping.

She's not getting up. She's holding her head. 

I try to stand as close to her as I can, trying to make sure she doesn't get hit, waiting for the ref to blow the whistle.

'Blow the fucking whistle' I think over and over.

When she didn't get up, I knew it was serious.

Lindsey doesn't dive. She doesn't put on a show and be dramatic. That's not who she is or what she does. So anytime she goes down and doesn't get back up, my heart stops. 

Finally, a whistle is blown and I can see the trainers run out. She's still laying on her stomach so I can't see her face. I step back, trying to give them room.

Lindsey, still laying there motionless. 

When they help her roll over and I can see the tears already streaming down her cheeks, I knew deep down in my gut, this was not going to be good. 

I'm standing as close to her as I can be, without crowding everyone else. I don't remember when Tobin got here but I see her standing next to me, neither of us saying anything. 

I haven't been paying attention to what is being said, I'm only watching her face, trying to read her.

I try to push my way through the people that have now formed around but I feel someone grab my arm. It's Tobin. 

She's shaking her head no.

I give her my most pleading look, begging her to let me go, but she won't let me. 

I see Allie come to Tobin's side and say something in her ear. Pinoe appears too, worry written across her face.

When Bailey puts her hands on Lindsey's neck, I knew: a head injury.

I hear Pierre yell for a stretcher and I freeze. My hand finds Tobin's arm and I'm squeezing the living daylight of it. 

Stretcher. A stretcher is never good.

When they slide her onto it and begin to walk away, I begin to follow before being yanked back. 

My eyes are following the mass of people carrying her off, not paying attention to anything else. Only one thing. 

"Sonnett...Sonny... Emily!"

"What?" I know my voice cracked. I know that I look like a mess.

"We still have a game to play, okay? Finish the game and then we can focus on that okay?" I see the worry in her eyes. My tunnel vision only focused on the person standing right in front of me.

Tobin looks over her shoulder, someone telling her she needs to get back in her spot. She turns back to me, "You need to get it together, okay?"

I think I nod, or maybe I said yes? I'm not entirely sure. 

I can't tell you what happened after that but I knew after that the whistle blew I was free. I was free until I felt someone grab the back of my jersey, stopping me in my tracks. 

I turn so fast that Tobin almost runs into me, not expecting me to stop so fast. 

"You can't leave yet," she whispers, tilting her head to the people still on the field.

"I need-"

"I know, I know. But not yet."

I swallow down the lump that's forming in my throat and then nod.

So I shake hands, I say good game, try to make myself look presentable. Tobin follows behind me, trying to keep me sane.

Finally, she ticks her head in the direction of the lockerroom and I start jogging that way.

If someone tried to stop me, I didn't see them. As soon as I'm in the hallway leading to the locker rooms, I run. I didn't see the entire team watch me take off, or see Allie and Pinoe walk over to Tobin, eyebrows raised in question.

I don't care how it looks. I don't care about anything other than one thing.

I'm going so fast I almost miss the door but I stop before I can run past it. I know I'm breathing really fast, so I take a big breath before I open the door, trying to calm my nerves.

Heads turn when I open the door, I feel everyone looking at me but the one pair of eyes I'm looking for. 

I see Bailey stand up, saying something to the other athletic trainers I can't hear.

I don't have to ask, they know exactly who I'm looking for.

"This way," she says and starts walking down a hallway before stopping at another door. 

My mind tells my feet to move and I follow Bailey. I see the trainers watching me but I don't care. 

I know that my anxiety is through the roof right now. I know that I'm really close to having a panic attack. But I know that seeing Lindsey will help. 

Bailey opens the door a tiny bit and pokes her head in. 

"Hey Lindsey, Sonnett is here."

She says something that I can't hear but Bailey turns around and holding the door open for me, letting me in. 

"Hey," I say softly, stepping into the room. 

Lindsey is laying on a PT table, with a pillow under her head. Her face is red and she has tear stains on her cheeks. 

"Hi," she replies, voice soft, like she's afraid that if she speaks too loud it'll hurt her head. 

I stand on one side of the table, my hand grabbing hers that is resting by her side.

"You okay?" 

She closes her eyes and lets her fall back against the pillow on the table. 

"Concussion." 

I'm silent for a minute. I know that she doesn't want an 'I'm sorry'. That won't do anything right now.

So instead I settle for, "What can I do?" as I brush a piece of grass off of her arm. 

"Can you just sit with me, please?" she asks, pleadingly.

"Yeah, of course. Let me get a chair." I squeeze her hand before I walk a few feet away to where a metal folding chair is sitting. 

I situate the chair so I'm looking at her and grab her hand again. I have our hands to where the back of her hand is facing up and without realizing, I begin to trace a pattern there.

"I just want to go to sleep but I know that I can't," her voice hoarse as she has her eyes closed.

"I know babe, but soon." 

I really couldn't tell you how long I sat there, watching her breathe evenly, checking every few minutes to make sure she wasn't asleep. 

When someone knocks on the wooden door, I look over my shoulder. I see Tobin stick her head in and we make eye contact.

I nod, letting her know that it's okay for her to come in. 

When she sees Lindsey her face falls, just like mine did.

Anytime anyone thinks of the Great Horan, no one ever associates her with being small or weak. But I know that right now, she looks both of those. 

"Hey, Linds," Tobin says as she walks over, stopping at the side of the table I'm on.

"Hey, Tobs," she says, meekly. 

"How ya doing?" she asks, a sad smile on her face.

"I've got a killer headache." I loosen my grip on her hand, letting her know if she wants to pull her hand away she can, but she only squeezes my hand tighter.

"Yeah, I bet."

I turn to Tobin, "Can you stay here with her while I go get her stuff?" 

Tobin is nodding before I finish my question and Lindsey tries to protest, saying she doesn't need someone to babysit her.

"She's not babysitting, I just don't want you to be alone, okay?" It might have been the tone of my voice, or how worried I looked, but she reluctantly nods her head. 

I stand up, giving Tobin my chair. "I'll be back in a minute, okay?"

She nods and Tobin gives me a thumbs up where Lindsey can't see, letting me know that she's got it. 

I open the door and shut it behind me quietly. As I walk down the hallway to where the main room is, I can begin to hear people talking, letting me know that everyone is back.

Taking a deep breath, I walk the final steps into the open room, keeping my head down. 

The room doesn't go silent, which is a good thing, but I can feel people's eyes on me. 

I make it halfway across the room before Caitlin and Ellie come up to me, worried looks on both of their faces. 

"Is she alright?" 

"What happened?" 

I take a step back, suddenly feeling claustrophobic and overcrowded. 

"She's fine, just..." I look around the room. Multiple people jump to make it look like they weren't paying attention.

I feel my fingers tapping against my thighs erratically and it's suddenly really loud in the room. 

My gaze shifts to the people in front of me, I know they're saying something but it just sounds like white noise. 

Ellie's eyes scrunch and her head tilts. 

I feel a hand on my arm and it feels like searing pain. I jump at the contact, startled. 

It's Hayley, saying something. 

She grabs my hand and starts to gently pull me towards the door, leading outside of the room. I let her drag me like a rag doll. 

She's looking back at me, and her eyes shift over my shoulder. Her lips read "She's okay," but I don't know who she's talking to. 

She opens up the door, leading us to the tunnel that we took to head onto the field and turns me around so my back is against the wall. 

I slide down the wall until I hit the floor, my hands landing on my knees that are now bent.

"What do you need, Sonnett?" she's crouching in front of me so we're eye level. 

"She's okay, she's fine, she's-she's okay but I didn't know-"

"Okay, okay, breathe for a second. Match my breathing okay?" She takes a big breath in and I have to slow myself down to match hers. 

It takes a minute but I finally get my heart rate down. 

"Good, why don't you tell me what happened?" 

I use the back of my hand to wipe away the tears that had fallen onto my cheeks and sniffle.

"She's _fine _but I didn't know and I don't know why I'm freaking out-"

"Hey, you don't have to know okay? That's just how it happens sometimes," she says with a small shrug.

I'm quiet for a moment, thinking. 

"She just, she doesn't get hurt."

"I know Son, but she's okay." 

I let my head fall back against the concrete wall. 

"I was really worried," my voice cracks on the last word.

"I know love. I think everyone knew," she says with a chuckle. 

I laugh and wipe my nose with my sleeve, "Didn't handle that too well did I?" 

"I think people were more worried about you than her." 

I grimace, "I'm sure that didn't look too good...."

She gives me a sympathetic look and puts her hand on my knee, "They know Sonny, the team knows." 

"I-How?"

"Everyone could tell you were worried about her. It was like you didn't know how to act after they brought her in. Anyone could see that you were worried sick about her," she says gently. 

"Fuuuck," I hold my head in my hands. 

"Hey, no one is going to say anything. I wouldn't worry about it okay?" 

The door opens and I turn my head in the opposite direction of door, not wanting whoever it is see me. 

"Hey Son, Lindsey is asking for you." 

"Okay, thanks," Hayley responds so I don't have to. 

I hear the door shut again and know that they're gone.

Hayley stands up from where she was crouching and sticks her hand to help me up. I grab it and she pulls me up. 

"Do you need a sec?" 

I nod my head and run my hands over my face, trying to get rid of anything that would make it look like I'd been crying. 

She nods, opening and closing the door behind her. 

I take a deep breath before grabbing the door handle and walking back into the crowded room. 

People are milling around, either heading to take a shower or getting ready to get back on the bus. 

I pick up Lindsey's bag as I head across the room. My eyes are cast down to the door, not making eye contact with anyone, not wanting anyone to see that I had been crying. 

This time, no one tries to stop me. 

After sitting with Lindsey some more, we decided that she would shower once we got back to either my apartment or hers. There she wouldn't have to rush and can take her time.

It's a slow walk to the bus, not because Lindsey is slow, but because I'm making us take it slow. 

"Okay, I've got your stuff and everything else is on the bus-"

She stops walking and I freeze. 

"What? What's wrong?" 

She smiles softly, "Nothing, you're just like taking care of me," in a surprised voice.

"Well you're my girlfriend, of course I'm going to take care of you." I know that my face is red but I try to play it off. 

We're the first ones on the bus, probably because I made us start walking earlier than everyone else, but I didn't want Lindsey to be rushed. This gives us a few minutes just to ourselves.

Once I put both of our stuff away, I slide into the seat and she slides in next to me. 

I turn to look at her, and she's got her head rested against the seat but tilts her head in my direction.

"How are you feeling?" 

She shrugs her shoulder a tiny bit but closes her eyes. 

"Linds."

At that, she opens her eyes and finally looks at me.

"How are you really?" This time, my voice is softer, wanting to know how she really is.

She sighs, knowing that I don't believe her. "It hurts. Like really bad. But there's nothing I can do about it right now." 

"What can I do?" I say, biting my lip, wanting to do something to help.

She doesn't say anything for a moment. 

"Can you kiss it and make it better?" she asks, batting her eyes. 

I laugh but nod, leaning forward to press my lips against her forehead and my hand finds her cheek. But when I pull away I find her eyes darting to my lips and then back up to my eyes. 

I know that someone could walk onto the bus at any time but I don't care right now. I kiss her anyways. 

It doesn't take long for her to try and deepen the kiss but before it can get that far, I stop it. 

I rest my forehead against hers and she leans into my hand that's still resting on her cheek. 

I can hear someone's footsteps on the steps leading up to the bus so I drop my hand and glance to see who it is. 

It's Sinc. 

She glances at us and then slides into her seat at the very front, unbothered by how close we're sitting, looking uninterested.

By the time everyone else starts to file in, Lindsey is resting her head on my shoulder, our hands intertwined, each of us with one Airpod.

Even though we're near the back of the bus, our seat the same every time we go anywhere, almost everyone comes to at least check on Lindsey, if not more. 

She doesn't try to move her hand from my grip, and I don't know if that's because she's tired or if she doesn't care right now, but I don't ask. 

Caitlin and Ellie take their usual seats across the aisle from us, and then Tobin takes a different seat than usual, sitting in front of us, stretching her feet out over both seats so no one else sits there. And instead of sitting behind the Aussies, Hayley slides in behind us, taking up both seats as well. 

Lindsey's eyes are closed as her head still rests on my shoulder but I let my eyes roam around us.

I don't know if Tobin and Hayley switched seats because they wanted to be close to Lindsey since she got hurt, or if they're acting like a barrier around us, not letting anything else touch our bubble. Either way, I am grateful that we won't get any wandering eyes.

And I know the team would, or well is now I guess, going to be okay with it. I don't think anyone would have any issues since a large number of us are gay. But I still appreciate them respecting our privacy. 

I don't know if someone said something to everyone, but no one has said anything yet...at least to either of us. 

It's about a two hour and fifteen-minute drive back to Providence Park and while most people are sleeping, I'm trying to stay awake with Lindsey. 

My hand had moved to rest on her thigh, my thumb rubbing circles mindlessly as we sit in silence. I think we're probably the only two awake except for the bus driver and a few people who's faces are lit up by their phone screens.

"You scared me out there today," I whisper, leaning my head against hers.

"I'm sorry Em."

"I just-" taking a deep breath I remember that I told myself and her that I would try to be more open about my emotions, "I just care a lot about you and I don't like seeing you get hurt." 

She freezes for a second before lifting her head up, making me lift mine up as well. She looks me in the eyes, and I know that I have a hesitant look on my face. 

"Tobin told me you didn't take it too well." 

I look down, toying with the hem of my shirt.

A hand grabs mine, stopping me from tearing the clothing to bits. 

"I'm okay," she says softly. 

I press my face against her neck and she envelops me in her arms, my hands clutching the jacket she put on earlier. 

She runs her hand over my hair and just holds me there. 

Even though she's the one that's injured. 

Even though I should be the one holding her. 

She begins to run soothing patterns on my back, before pressing a kiss against the top of my head. 

We sit like that for a while, consumed in our own world until the scenery begins to look familiar. 

Tobin peers in between the seats, looking back at the two of us.

"Linds," she whispers. I sit up and Lindsey leans forward to talk to the older girl.

"Are you coming home tonight or are you getting a ride home from Sonnett?" 

"Oh, um," she looks back at me, and my face is neutral. 

I wouldn't mind at all if she stayed with me, but I don't want her to feel like she has to stay with me, I want her to do what she's comfortable with. Especially because she now has a concussion.

"Em, can I-"

I'm nodding my head before she can finish her sentence, "Of course." 

"So then I think I'm going to go with her," she says, turning back to Tobin. 

Tobin's eyes cut to me and then back to Lindsey. "You need to _rest _then okay?" 

Lindsey rolls her eyes but I nod my head. 

When the bus gets back to the stadium, I tell her I'll get her suitcase before she gets dragged into a conversation with Ellie. 

Tobin stops me on my way back to where Lindsey is standing. 

"You good?" 

"What? Yeah, I'm fine." 

"You sure?" 

I nod, "Positive."

Tobin sighs, "I don't think they're going to let her play against Korea."

"Shit. I forgot about that." 

She just shakes her head, "She's going to be pissed."

"Yeah, I know."

"Well," she pats my shoulder, "Let me know if you need anything. When's your flight to Charlotte?"

"I think like the Tuesday before but I don't remember." 

"Okay, let me know. We might be on the same flight."

I nod, "I'm going to go find Linds. She probably should be resting by now."

"Bye Son," she turns to walk away before pausing, "Let me know how she is, yeah?"

"Of course." 

I walk over to where the blonde is standing, mid-conversation with Sinc. Wanting to make my presence known without interrupting them, I put my hand on her back and she turns her head. 

"Ready to go?" she asks.

I nod, "If you are," not wanting to rush their conversation.

"We probably should, I'm starting to get a headache again," her hand rubbing the spot on her head that hit the ground.

My face fills with concern, "Did you tell the trainers?"

She nods, "They just told me to take it slow."

"Sounds like you should go rest then," Sinc says, sounding more like a demand than a suggestion. 

"You heard the boss," I say ticking my head towards my car. 

She just rolls her eyes before walking towards where I parked. 

"Okay, so I figured we could get Panera to-go because the soup will help and then eat it when we get to my place," my hand is reaching for my seatbelt and I start the car.

"Panera sounds really good right now."

I smile, "I figured you would want that." 

Half an hour later, Lindsey has the food in her arms and I've got both our suitcases and backpacks walking across the apartment complex lobby and to the elevator.

"I can carry something-"

"No, you've got enough. I can get this."

She huffs, "At least give me the keys so I can open the door for you."

I have to stop walking to reach into my backpack, digging around for my key. 

Handing it over to her, she just shakes her head. 

She slots the key into the door, pushing it open with her hip and then holding it so I can walk through the threshold. I take the suitcases to my room, putting our backpacks next to my dresser before heading back into my kitchen.

"Okay so do you want to eat and then shower, or shower and then eat?"

"I'm starving so food first." She begins to pull things out of the bag while I grab silverware from one of the drawers.

"One chipotle chicken avocado melt and a Baja grain bowl for you and one strawberry poppyseed salad with chicken and a toasted Frontega chicken sandwich for me." 

I get us both a bottle of water before sliding into the seat next to her and passing her one. 

It doesn't take either of us long to devour our food, hungry from the day's activities. 

"I think I have one of your shirts if you want to wear that after your shower," I say, grabbing our trash and dumping it into the trashcan. 

She nods, making her way into my room and soon after I can hear the water being turned on in the shower.

I tidy up my kitchen, pushing the chairs in and then realize there isn't anything more to do before heading into my room. 

I pull out one of my drawers and find one of Lindsey's shirts that I had stolen. I knock on the bathroom door before poking my head in. 

"Babe, I'm going to put your shirt on the bathroom counter okay?" 

She sticks her head out of the shower door, replying "thank you," with a smile. 

"Hey Em, why don't you shower too? You're still in your dirty uniform." 

"Oh," I look down, realizing I too am still in a dirty uniform, "right. I can go after you, it's fine."

She rolls her eyes, "Just get in the shower." 

"But your head-"

"Is only going to hurt more if I have to keep pestering you. Just get in the shower. I'll let you wash my hair," she says in a singsong voice.

I bite my lip. "Okay, fine."

My clothes find Lindsey's on the floor and I open the shower door, steam flowing out. 

She turns around, facing me as I step in carefully. 

We stand there for a second before I grab my loofah, putting some body wash on it and dragging it across her skin. Down her arms, across her collarbone before venturing any further.

I didn't know she was holding her breath until I let run across her chest as she lets out a small puff of air. My eyes travel up to her face, passing over her mouth were she's biting her lip and landing on her eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes that are watching me like a hawk.

I ask her to turn around, so I can get her back and she turns around slowly. 

I let my hands travel up and down her back before I wrap my arms around her waist, she leans into me, her head resting on my shoulder, my front pressed against her back as I kiss along her shoulders.

We stand there under the water, holding each other until she grabs the loofah out of my hands, letting it fall to the shower floor. Her hands grab mine, bringing them to her chest. 

"Linds," I say, in a warning tone, trying to pull my hands away.

She groans, "Em, come on."

I shake my head and turn her around so we're facing each other. "You have a concussion babe."

She pouts and I kiss her forehead. "Do you want to wash my hair?" I ask, hoping to distract her enough that she drops it. 

Sighing, she nods her head, grabbing the shampoo before her hands find their way into my hair. 

Later that night, when we've made it to my bed and she's resting against my chest, my hand running through her hair, she falls asleep soon after I turn the lights off but I'm still wide awake, recounting the day. 

She wraps an arm around my torso, holding me tighter before I finally start to fade. 

After her first check-in with the trainers the next day, she got the news that she'd have to take it easy for at least a week, possibly more. No physical activity, no strenuous activity, limited screen time. The break before our next game making it easy.

So, we walk to the coffee shop that's a few blocks away. We lay together on the couch, my face pressed against her neck, her hand running through my hair. 

I learned that she hates the game Go Fish, but loves Uno. She'll always start out sleeping with a blanket, no matter how hot it is, but usually ends the night with it tossed on the floor. She does a little half-smile without even realizing it when she's focused on something. 

She thinks breakfast foods should only be eaten for breakfast, but it's always acceptable to have ice cream, no matter what time it is. She likes to be the big spoon more than the little spoon, but when she really isn't feeling well, she wants to be the little spoon. 

Just little things that I learn about her, things I store away in my brain. 

She learns that I actually like to cook. That I prefer to wake up early instead of stay up late. That I like to have my feet tucked into the covers because they get cold really easily. 

So she always covers them up when we're sitting on the couch or puts them in her lap. 

I learn that she can be really shy and doesn't want to make the first move in the bedroom. She doesn't like to be teased. 

I guess maybe I was hoping that she would be okay for the last game of the Victory Tour, with a week between the Thorns game and the first National Team practice, but in the back of my mind, I knew that she wouldn't be able to play. 

Not with concussion protocol, training camp, a game, and airplane rides.

Still, when they told her she needed to sit the last game out, I got disappointed. Not because she wouldn't be there, but because I knew she really wanted to be there. 

Later that night, when we were sitting on my couch, her head in my lap, watching an MLS game, she got Vlatko's message telling her that she shouldn't even fly out to watch the games, like how Alex was doing, she got really really upset. 

"I just, it's the _last games_. I want to be there. It's the last 23 best friends." 

"I know you do babe." My fingers running through her hair as she gets worked up.

"It's not fair." She's biting her lip, trying to stop the tears from falling. 

I pause, "But if you do go and get hurt, that would be so much more much detrimental." 

She stays quiet, but sits up, pushing herself to the other end of the couch.

"I know that you want to be there and I want you to be there, but I want you healthy. _You_ want to be healthy."

"I'm going to let the team down," she sniffles.

"Linds, no you aren't. You're not letting anyone down." I grab her hands, stopping them from picking at each other. 

She sniffles again. 

I tuck a fallen piece of hair behind her hear, "You're not letting anyone down, okay? And ya know, it's not really the last 23 best friends. So many people are injured and aren't going to play, Sam, Kelley, Moe, Ali, Alex, Tobin-"

"Yeah, but they can still _be there." _Another tear rolls down her cheek and I brush it away with my thumb. 

I hate to see her so upset but I know, in the long run, this is what's best for her, to keep her safe.

After Lindsey goes to bed that night, I make a plan.

I don't want her to be alone the entire time I'm gone so I recruit people to come hang out with her for a few hours or do something with her, I don't care what. 

I asked Caitlin and Ellie to come over the Tuesday that I'm leaving. 

Kelli and Midge are coming over Wednesday, Kling and Ana on Thursday, and then Ellie and Cait again on Friday until I get home.

No one questioned why I was asking them to hang out with Lindsey. No one asked why she was staying at my apartment. 

No one said anything other than that they would. 

I feel a little bit more at ease knowing that she won't be completely abandoned. 

I don't let her drive me to the airport because she isn't supposed to drive yet, so I catch a ride with Tobin and Christen. 

After putting my stuff in the back of Tobin's Jeep, I slide into the back seat, both of them peering at me. 

I know that I probably look like a mess, I feel like a mess. 

"How's she holding up?" Tobin asks, the car still in park.

"She's really upset. It's not that she can't play, she's more upset that she can't be there. It's the last of the '23 best friends' or whatever. She hates that she can't practice either, she's just there all cooped up and it's driving her crazy."

Tobin gives me a sympathetic look. "She'll be okay Son."

"I just don't like that she's alone. I mean, I asked a few people to hang out with her during the days so she's not all by herself but still, I'd rather her not be alone, in case something happens." I turn my head to the window, not wanting them to see me teary-eyed.

I can see Christen giving Tobin a look, trying to communicate something but Tobin just looks confused.

"We should probably get to the airport, ya?" I turn to look at the two of them, Christen just sighs and Tobin puts the Jeep into drive. 

I text Lindsey, letting her know that I made it to the hotel and that I already miss her right as I get a text from Kelley as the U.S. Soccer van is dropping the three of us off at the hotel.

_From Georgia Peach_

_roomie! already got our keys, rm 593_

I step into the lobby, my U.S. Soccer suitcase in tow, looking around for someone I need to check in with. I find Molly sitting in one of the oversized chairs, laptop in her hands.

"Emily Sonnett, reporting for duty." I stand in front of her, mock saluting when she stops typing to look up. 

"Hey, Sonnett," she replies, standing up to hug me. "Kelley already has your keys, room 593. The elevator is over there and team dinner is at 6:30 in Ballroom B." A second later she's back to typing away on her laptop so I just nod and head towards where she said the elevator was. 

Pressing floor five, I type out a reply to Lindsey's selfie of her wrapped in my UVA blanket, laying on the couch. 

"Sonnett, hey!" I look up, not hearing the elevator doors open, revealing Alyssa and Ash.

"Hey! Is this floor five?" 

Alyssa nods and I step off as they step on. 

"See you guys at dinner," I say over my shoulder as the doors close, cutting them off.

I pass a few doors before finding 593, knocking. "Kell, it's me." 

The door swings open, catching me off guard as Kelley launches herself into my arms, almost taking me down. 

Luckily I let go of my suitcase just in enough time to catch her and not send us both flying to the ground. 

"Hey Kell," I chuckle, hugging her back. 

It's a minute before she releases her death grip on me, allowing me to finally walk into our room.

I can already see that she's made herself at home, suitcase half-open, shoes on the floor, and computer taking up space on the bed closest to the door. 

"I left you the bed by the window." 

"Thanks," I reply, lifting my bag onto the bed and sliding my backpack off my shoulders.

She sits down on her bed, pulling her laptop onto her lap, resuming whatever it was she was going earlier. 

My phone chimes and I check it, smiling again. 

Lindsey sent a picture of her holding up a plate with avocado toast it, saying "not as good as yours but I'm getting there." 

"Let me guess, your girlfriend." 

I nod, still looking down at my phone, but when I look up, I'm met with Kelley's lukewarm reaction.

"So you guys are officially official now?"

I sigh before plopping myself onto my bed. "I mean, we're together, she is my girlfriend, I'm her girlfriend. Just not like telling people?" 

"So your relationship is a secret." 

"No? It's not a secret, we're just not telling...everyone." 

Kelley raises her eyebrows, "What does that even mean?"

"She just- she isn't ready to come out yet so, we're not telling everyone."

"Why is she scared to come out? It's not that big of a deal," she shrugs.

"You came out on the biggest stage ever, in front of the entire world. You're the only person I know that would do that," she rolls her eyes at my comment.

"Sometimes you just have to go for it. Like what's point of living a lie, just do what makes you happy and eff everyone that doesn't support you." 

"It's not that simple Kell," I sigh, letting myself fall back onto the bed. 

"It should be though. You should be able to date someone openly, you shouldn't have to hide the fact that you're in a relationship." 

I don't say anything, staring up at the ceiling above me. 

Half an hour later, when I'm standing in line for dinner and Pinoe gets in line behind me. Usually accompanied by Ali of Ashlyn, but I'm surprised she's alone.

"Hey Sonnett," she says, reaching for a plate from the pile of them stacked in front of us.

"Hey," I reply, not expecting the conversation to last any longer.

"How's Lindsey?" I freeze a little before taking a step forward, following the moving line.

"Uh, she's good. A little disappointed that she can't be here but she gets it." I swallow down the feeling like something is coming, like she's going to comment on the game, or something else.

Megan just nods her head. "I'm not going to say anything," she says quietly, just for the two of us to hear.

"A-about what?" I ask, playing dumb.

"About...you know, you and her."

My hand reaches for a fork and when I go to put it on my plate, I accidentally miss, the fork crashing against the floor making everyone's head turn.

"Sorry," I mutter, embarrassed, reaching down to pick up the now dirty utensil. 

Standing up, I turn to face Pinoe, "Can you just drop it, please?" asking through clenched teeth.

She nods her head and I go back to putting food on my plate. 

We have a team meeting after dinner, getting the schedule for the next two days. I catch Allie watching me, a look on her face before she turns, knowing I caught her. 

I spend some time with Rose, Mal, and Sam before going back to my own room, my body finally catching up with how tired I am. 

Kelley's already under the covers when I walk in, Brooklynn Nine-Nine playing on her laptop. She pauses it when she hears me enter.

"Hey," she says softly.

"Hey." I dig around my bag before finally pulling out my pajamas and toothbrush. When I turn around, I see Kell biting her lip nervously.

"What's up?" I ask, genuinely concerned. 

"I just, I want you to be happy and I know that not being able to be open about your relationship is hard for you. I was worried that Lindsey not wanting to be public was her just not being serious enough about your relationship or that she was ashamed of it but I know that it's not that. I just want what's best for you." 

I set my stuff down at the foot of her bed before walking over to where she is sitting up.

"I know you do, and I appreciate you looking out for me," she opens her arm for a hug and I wrap my arms around her. "But we're going to go at our own pace, do our own thing, okay?" 

I can feel her nod as she squeezes me tighter. 

Wednesday morning, I text Lindsey when I wake up, knowing that she won't get it until she wakes up, at least for another couple of hours. 

We're at camp, so obviously, the "no boyfriends/girlfriends/it's complicated" rule is intact. I try to stay off my phone as much as I can, but it's hard. 

I feel bad knowing that she's sad, knowing there isn't much I can do. 

Sitting on the bus without a certain blonde gives me time to think. To get inside my own head. 

I don't mean to do it on purpose, but it just happens. So when Kelley and I return to our room after practice, me silently keeping to myself, she asks.

"How are you doing Son?"

"Good."

"How are you _really_?"

I know that I can't hide anything from Kelley.

Laying down on my bed, I sigh. "I'm...okay?"

She rests her chin in her palm, waiting for an explanation.

"I just...I'm waiting for it all to snap." I throw my arm over my eyes, not wanting to see Kelley's reaction to this.

"What do you mean?"

"I just feel like one day she's going to see how much of a mess I am and leave."

Kelley pauses. "Has she done anything to make you think that she would leave? Has she said anything like that?"

I shake my head, "No, because she doesn't know how bad it gets...She doesn't know."

"Can you not tell her?"

"I don't want to bother her with all my issues. I don't like asking for help. You know that."

She gives me a look, "Boy don't I know that."

"Like...how do you explain to someone that you're sad for no reason? That everything can be perfectly fine, nothing can be wrong, but you're just sad. And it takes over you, it consumes you, makes you feel like you physically can't get out of bed. That it comes in waves and it feels like you've got a cement block tied to your foot, dragging you to the bottom of the ocean."

"Have you tried?"

I sigh. "I mean, I think she knows at least a little bit? She knows more about the anxiety than the depression just because it's harder to hide the anxiety. She drove me to my therapist appointment so she knows I see a shrink."

"Did she say anything about that?" Kelley sits up, tired of laying down.

I shake my head. "She hasn't said or done anything, it's just my brain has like a wall around it, not letting people get close."

"So then just _talk to her_."

"I don't want to bother her though. I don't want her to have to hear about how my brain is weird and self sabotages me. I just...I don't know how to talk about these things."

"How's it been when she stays over?"

"It's been great. She's great. She just, like she'll pick up on when I'm stressed or feeling overwhelmed and she just _knows._"

"Okay, see? That's a good sign!"

"I know that if I asked her for help she would one hundred percent do anything, but I don't want her to feel like she _has _to ya, know?" 

"Son, I'm sure she doesn't feel like that. I'm sure she wants to help, she wants to be there for you, you just have to let her."

"I don't want her to think I'm weak." My gaze hasn't left the ceiling and I don't bother to brush the escaped tears off my cheek. 

"You're _not _weak Em," Kelley says softly. "No one thinks that. No one will think that you're weak for asking for help. You're one of the strongest people I know."

I bite my lip and I can feel my resolve start to fall.

"Why are you afraid to ask for help?" 

"Because asking for help means you're weak. It means you weren't strong enough to fix it on your own." 

I hear some shuffling and feel the bed dip next to me. Opening my eyes to find Kelley laying to my left, on her side facing me. 

I can see the worry on her face and instantly feel guilty. 

I wipe my nose with my sleeve. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to unload this on you. We don't have to talk about it." I sit up, brushing my hair back erratically. 

"Em-"

"I-I think I'm just going to take a walk."

I reach for my phone and slip on the closest sneakers, not even bothering to check if they're mine or Kelley's. 

"Emily-"

"I'm okay, really. I'll just be back in a little bit."

Grabbing a key off the dresser, I head to the door quickly. 

"Em-" 

The door shuts before she can get another word in. 

I hold my breath, trying to stop the tears from falling before taking off in the direction of the elevator. 

I hit Floor 12-Roof Access and lean against the wall, suddenly feeling the weight of everything around me.

I take a second to slow my breathing, before pulling out my phone, wanting to only talk to one person.

I press the phone against my ear, waiting to see if she answers. 

Luckily, she does.

_"Hey, babe," _she says, already bringing a smile to my face.

_"Hi," _I say, my voice cracking.

_"What's wrong?" _the panic clear in her voice.

_"Nothing, nothing. I just needed to hear your voice is all." _

I'm not sure how long I sit out there on the bench but I stay there until Lindsey gets onto me about being up so late before a game. 

So after telling her goodnight, I make my way back inside, feeling better, but knowing that Kelley isn't going to let this go.

Luckily, she'd fallen asleep by the time I unlock our door but I find her on my bed, not hers. 

I don't bother to change in my pajamas, only brushing my teeth and turning the light off before crawling into the bed. 

Kelley bolts right up when she feels the bed dip and her eyes land on me. She's pulling me to her but I end up half in her lap, half not, her arms wrapped around me, mine stuck at my side. 

"You dummy, don't do that again." 

I nod my head, not knowing what else to say.

"Don't think we aren't going to talk about this. Because we are, just later."

"Yes Ms. Kelley."

She chuckles, loosening her grip on me but still holding onto my arm as her eyes start to close.

"Goodnight Sonny."

"Night Kell."

At breakfast, before we head to the stadium, Sam stops me.

"You okay Sonnett? You have bags under your eyes," a concerned look on her face.

I plaster on a smile, "I'm good Sammy, just didn't sleep well last night." 

She frowns but accepts my excuse, before moving along to her seat.

I get the start this game, and Lindsey texts me a picture of herself on the couch, popcorn in her lap, the TV showing the pregame report along with good luck, saying that she knows I'll crush it. 

We win the game 2-0 and I play the full ninety. 

In the throws of the celebration, Kelley convincing almost everyone to play flip cup, I forget to check my phone.

Later I see all the messages Lindsey sent me throughout the game, commenting on what should have been a card or critiquing the team. 

I frown at my phone, disappointed in myself that I didn't bother to check it.

That night, we're thrown into recovery and luckily for me, Kelley never gets a chance to finish our conversation from the previous night, both of us crashing early, tired from the day's activities. 

The last morning before we all disperse, I'm sitting at breakfast, texting Lindsey when Rose kicks me underneath the table.

"Ow," I saw, glaring at her. "What was that for?"

"Needed your attention."

I roll my eyes, locking my phone and setting it down. "What?"

I see Kelley slide into the chair next to me out of the corner of my eye.

"I found you a girlfriend."

That get's everyone's attention. Mal is now looking at me, Sam is staring with her mouth open, and Kelley is trying to hide her laugh with a cough.

"What?" the shock evident in my voice.

"A girl. She's cute. She lives near Portland, she's an intern at some nonprofit that helps the environment." Rose raises her eyebrows suggestively.

"I think I'm good."

Her mouth falls open and everyone's eyes ping-pong between the two of us.

"She's a solid nine, she's super smart, she matches your vibe. I think you two would really click. I'll send you her number."

"Rose, really. I'm fine-"

"I'll tell her that you'll text her."

I can feel myself getting irritated, "Rose-"

"She said she's good Rosie." Kelley's voice making it clear that this isn't up for discussion.

Rose looks taken back by Kelley's intrusion into our conversation but luckily drops it.

Mal, on the other hand, does not.

"So does that mean you have a girlfriend?" she asks, tilting her head.

Rose's mouth drops and Sam shrieks.

"I- that's not what I meant." I know that I'm blushing, I can feel my face getting hotter.

I turn to look at Kelley, hoping for some help but she just shrugs, letting me know I'm on my own for this one.

"I'm talking to someone. It's new. And that's all you're getting." I stand up amid their protests.

"Sonny-"

"WHAT-"

"I knew it!-"

Kelley just shakes her head laughing. 

"Nope, that's it. You're not getting anything else!" I stand up, leaving the table quickly, everyone too stunned to say anything as Kelley laughs at my blushing face. 

Tobin drops me off at my apartment, asking me to say hi to Lindsey for her when we finally get back to Portland.

I nod, shutting the car door behind me.

I can't seem to make it to my door fast enough. 

My key finds the lock and I push the door open slowly.

I hear her shriek before I can see her. My suitcase falls against the floor from her momentum and I stumble too, luckily catching myself so we don't go flying. 

"Hi there," I say, laughing as she squeezes me tighter, her face tucked into my neck. 

"I missed you," her voice mumbled.

"I missed you too." I hug her back, the weight of her body grounding me. She leaves a trail of kisses up my neck, across my jaw, until landing on my lips.

It's slow and passionate, both of us trying to relay so many things. 

Her hand on my cheek, the other in my hair. 

My hands on her hips where skin is peeking out below her shirt.

We're like that for a minute, or maybe five but when she pulls away, her nose brushes against mine, a smile making it's way to both our faces.

Not long later, we find our way to my couch, back to watching whatever she had on earlier. My feet resting against my coffee table and her head resting against my chest, fingers making patterns along the outside of my thigh.

Everything feeling right again.

My phone starts to buzz in my pocket and I reach for it, forcing Lindsey to sit up.

_Incoming call from Georiga Peach_

I slide my thumb across the screen, bringing the phone to my ear.

"Hey Kell, miss me already?" I chuckle and hear her snort on the other end of the phone.

"You wish."

"What's up?" 

She pauses for a second.

"Everything okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, just, can we talk for a minute?"

My eyebrows furrow and I stand up, "Yeah give me just a sec." 

I pull the phone away from my ear, "I'll be right back," I say to Linds. 

She nods, going back to the show. 

I shut my bedroom door behind me, giving us some privacy. Not that I thought Lindsey would eavesdrop but just in case.

"What's up?" I ask, sitting down on my bed.

I can hear the hesitation in her voice, nervous about whatever she's about to say. "I just, I didn't know you told Tobin."

I try to rack my brain, thinking of the most recent conversations I've had with a certain teammate of mine. "What?" I eventually ask, coming up empty.

"About January." 

With those two words, I don't need any other clarification of what she's talking about. 

But I still don't understand. "What?" I feel like a parrot, repeating the same word over and over.

"She said something to me when we were all together, I just forgot about it until just now...she didn't straight up ask me at first but made it seem like she knew. So I asked her if she knew something and she said 'I know you know something.' It was weird but then she just came out and asked me about you...

I didn't know you were telling people so I just wanted to make sure that you knew that Tobin knows." 

I can feel my heartbeat begin to beat faster in my chest, pounding, almost like it's trying to burst through my skin when I come to the realization...

"Sonny?" she asks, worry clear in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"So did you tell her or..." she trails off at the end.

"Yes," I rush out. "Yes, I told her." 

"You did?" the shock evident in her tone.

"Mhm, yup. Sure did." I can feel the nerves in my body. Clamming up. The hair standing up on my skin. The lie hot on my tongue.

"Did she say anything?" Kelley asks, her voice soft all of a sudden.

I scramble, feeling like a turtle trapped on it's back. "Uh- well- she said that she was sad that I felt like I couldn't talk to her about things, she said she's here for me if I need to talk. Ya know, stuff like that." 

I don't lie to Kelley. I don't hide things from her because I'm not very good at that. So I'm worried that my wavering voice will give me away.

I suddenly want this conversation to be done with. I want to be able to hang up and put my phone back in my pocket and pretend this didn't happen. 

Pretend like I don't know what she' telling me.

When it feels like I'm being enveloped into a tumbleweed of anxiety, I know that I need to end this call before I say something to make Kelley not believe me.

"She-"

"Hey Kell, can I call you back later? I really need to go." 

"Yeah sure-"

"Love you, bye." 

I don't let her finish her sentence. I know that wasn't all that nice of me, but I know that having to spin this bigger web of lies would only make it worse. 

I rest my forearms against my knees, leaning my head between my arms, focusing on my breathing. 

I didn't tell Tobin. Kelley didn't tell Tobin. That leaves one person.

"Okay. Okay," I say to myself. "This will be okay." 

This time, I lie to myself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all you cool cats and kittens!
> 
> So in case you didn't catch it, I changed the way that the dreaded Seattle/Portland game went and I added a week between that game and the first National Team practice. Also, there was only one game because that's how I wanted it🤷🏼 
> 
> Lotsss of stuff going on in this chapter. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! What your favorite part was, least favorite part (i know both of mine)
> 
> Also how you think this will play out 👀
> 
> ta ta for now


	18. Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little reminder that everything in this story is fake (except the soccer parts, those i try to keep as accurate as possible) but everything else is in fact fake. :)

**Lindsey's POV**

I look back over my shoulder, at the door that was softly shut behind her, the door that's having been shut for longer than I thought it would be.

I try to not let my mind wander down a rabbit hole and focus back on the episode of Grey's playing on the tv.

My hand reaches for the UVA blanket that is resting on the back of the couch, replacing Em's warmth with that until she comes back.

About ten minutes later, she still hasn't emerged from her room and I reach for the remote, about to pause it when I hear the door creak, opening slowly.

My head turns to look at her, not knowing what to expect, but when I'm met with her tear-stained cheeks, my heart drops.

She looks at her phone in her hand, not raising her gaze as she slowly walks into the room.

"Em?" I ask, walking to her quickly.

She holds up her hand, and I freeze, unsure of why she doesn't want me to get any closer.

"What happened?" I was so badly to reach for her and hug her, let her know that whatever it is, that it's going to be alright.

Her eyes finally find mine and I can't read the emotion that is hiding behind them.

"I think," she pauses, using her hand to wipe away the tears that were falling down her cheeks steadily, "I think I need to be alone right now."

"What?" My feet move so I'm standing in front of her, my hands trying to grab hers, but she pulls them away quickly.

Looking down at her feet, her arms wrapping around herself, one of her nervous ticks.

"I don't know what happened but I just want to make it better," I reach for her arm, just wanting to be close to her in some way. "Tell me what I can do," I plead.

"I think you've done enough." The bite in her voice makes my eyes widen, and I step back.

"Okay," my voice getting louder, "if you aren't even going to tell me what it was you think I did, you don't get to yell at me."

"I trusted you," her voice coming out in a whisper.

"And you still can," I can hear the desperation in my voice and I know that my face matches it.

She scoffs and shakes her head.

"Did Kelley say something?" I'm trying to connect the dots here, but keep coming up blank. "Because we were fine half an hour ago, and now we're not. So Kelley must have said something."

She bites her lip, almost in hesitation, like she doesn't want to share whatever it is that Kelley said.

"Kelley said," she pauses, running a hand through her hair that has almost all fallen out of her ponytail, "she said that she had an interesting conversation with Tobin." Her voice coming out clipped, as she turns to look at me, her face hard.

I run through all of my recent conversations with Tobin in my mind.

We talked pretty much every day, her asking how I was doing or checking up on me. I rack my brain, coming up empty.

I'm running through conversations in my head, trying to come up with something that would make her upset.

And then it hits me.

After she dropped me off back at my apartment, when Tobin saw how upset I was and I told her what I learned in Georgia.

My eyes widen and before I can hide my realization, she's talking again.

"Kelley was shocked that I had talked to Tobin about everything that had happened, so imagine my surprise when I realized it wasn't me that had told Tobin anything. And clearly Kelley wasn't the one that had told her so that just leaves one person."

"I-Em let me explain," I step forward wanting to put less space between us, but I can already feel the trench keeping us apart growing wider.

"Explain what? That the _one thing _I didn't want people to know, the _one thing _that I hadn't told people for a specific reason, the _one thing _-" she scoffs, shaking her head.

"I didn't mean to, I swear. It was before I got the concussion and-"

"Wait, so she's known about this for a week? Two?"

"No," I shake my head, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell her, you know I would never do that. It was just I was upset and she asked me what was wrong and it all just kind of slipped out," I take a big breath before continuing, "I was upset and I know I handled it wrong-"

"Don't you think there was a reason I wasn't telling people? That if I wanted Tobin to know I would have told her?"

"Yeah-"

"There's a reason I don't tell people. The more people that know the truth know how broken I am, okay? Too many people already know." She turns her back to me, and I see her wrap her arms around herself. 

"But you're-"

She shakes her head, turning to face me. "There is no but! I-I just need to be alone right now." Her eyes are cast down to the floor, refusing to meet mine.

"Is that what you really want?" my breath coming out in a whisper, like I'm afraid to say the words too loudly, so she can tell me that is indeed what she wants.

"I don't know what I want right now. I just, if you stay here I'm only going to get angrier and I don't think either of us wants that," she pauses, pushing loose hair away from her face, "Just, I need some space."

I nod my head slowly, biting my lip to keep the tears at bay. I know that she's hurting, I know that I caused it, I know that I want to fix it.

But I can only fix it if she wants it to be fixed. Pushing her right now would only make the situation worse.

She swallows down the lump in her throat, before raising her eyes to meet mine.

"Do you want me to call Tobin or I can drive you," trailing off at the end.

Even when she's mad at me, even when she doesn't want to talk to me, she's still making sure I'm okay, still caring for me when she doesn't have to be.

"My car is here, Cait brought it over a few days ago."

And then there's that.

I finally got it out of Caitlin and Ellie that Emily had asked them to come over and visit. And then Kelli and Midge, Kling and Ana, and then the Aussies again.

I never thanked her for that, but I know that now isn't the right time. 

She standing on the opposite side of the room as I pick up my things from around her apartment.

When I walk towards the door, her hand grabs my arm softly. 

She looks at me, her cheeks wet, and kisses me. Just a small peck, "I just need some time," her voice pained. Like she doesn't like this either, like it hurts her having to ask me to leave. 

I nod, and kiss her again quickly, before opening the door and walking out.

On the short drive back to my place, I let my tears fall.

I'm mad at myself. 

Mad that I hurt her.

Mad that I made her feel like she can't trust me.

I put the car in park but don't bother to turn it off. The silence develops me and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I repeat her words to myself, "Just give her time."

I rest my head against the steering wheel, closing my eyes trying to block out everything that just happened.

It was going so well. 

I had been waiting for her to get back, shamelessly watching her location so I would know when she was getting back to her apartment.

And when she got back, I really didn't want to let her go. 

It was shocking to me how much I already depended on her already, how I craved her to be near me, how much I wanted her hand in mine. How I literally felt incomplete without her there.

And that is what scares me the most. 

That made me realize how much I liked - maybe _loved -_ this girl. 

When she would Facetime me and tell me silly little things that happened throughout her day, trying to make me laugh and grin like a madwoman.

I realized this isn't some cute butterflies in the stomach type thing, this is an entire stampede of rhinos and lions and elephants in my stomach type thing.

And right now it feels like all the zoo animals are loose, running amuck in my stomach all the way to my heart, making it beat faster as I sit here thinking about the implications of my feelings.

My phone dings, pulling me out of a trance, it's a text from Tobin, asking if I was coming home anytime soon. 

I grab my duffle bag out of the passenger seat before heading into the building. I don't bother replying since she's about to get an answer to the question when I walk in. 

I try the door before reaching for my keys, the door is unlocked, just how Tobin usually leaves it. I swear one day we're going to get robbed because she always leaves the door open.

Letting the door shut behind me, I set my keys on the cabinet near the door.

Tobin pokes her head out of her room, a questioning look on her face. "Hey, I just texted you." 

I nod, letting my bag fall to the floor as she slowly steps out of her room.

"Is everything okay?" she asks concern written all over her face.

I sigh, "No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I know that Tobin is going to feel guilty if I tell her why I'm home. That she's the reason that Em is currently mad at me. 

But, if I hadn't have told her none of this would have happened. So I can't blame her, even if a part of me wants to. 

"I just, I did something and she doesn't feel like she can trust me anymore." 

"Wait, what?"

"It's just, it's complicated." I try to leave it at that, hoping she drops it, but to no avail, I'm not that lucky. 

"She said she doesn't trust you anymore? That doesn't make any sense." Tobin is in the living room now, leaning against the couch, arms crossed over her chest. 

I can feel all the emotions start to pile up, bursting to come out. So instead I head in the direction of our kitchen, reaching for a water bottle out of the fridge.

"Well, that's what she said," the fridge door slams shut by the sheer amount of force I used to close it.

"That doesn't make any sense-"

"She knows that you know. She knows that I told you about," I motion with my hand, "everything." 

Tobin's mouth makes a small 'o' as she realizes what that means.

"Linds I-"

"It's fine, I'm not mad about it."

"I'm so sorry Lindsey, I just, I had to talk to Kelley about it. I was shocked...and hurt and I didn't mean to bring it up. It just kind of slipped." I can tell by the apologetic look on her face that she really didn't have any bad intentions, that it really was just an accident. 

"Tobin, I promise it's okay." 

"I'm really sorry Linds."

"I know," I say quietly. 

She looks like she wants to say something more, but before she can I grab my bag off the floor and head towards my room. "I think I'm just going to go to bed," I say over my shoulder. 

I don't wait for Tobin to respond, shutting my bedroom door behind me. 

I set the bag on the floor by my dresser and look around the room, a room I haven't stayed in since who knows how long. 

A room that now feels too empty.

Without even changing out of my clothes, I let myself flop on the bed like a sack of dead weight. 

I don't want to change out of my clothes, I don't want to get into something that's comfortable, making me forget the discomfort I caused Em. 

It's like a punishment. 

My eyes glance at the clock on my nightstand, 9:13. It's almost too early to go to bed, but my eyes are getting heavy, and I can feel the disappointment start to creep its way into my mind.

I check my phone, hoping to see a text or a call from a certain someone, but no such thing exists. 

I open our messages, about to apologize again when I see three little dots appear, but then they disappear. I wait for a message to come in but five minutes later, still nothing.

No message ten minutes later.

By then I accept that I'm not getting a message tonight. 

I sigh and plug my phone in, resting it on my nightstand before laying on my back, staring up at my ceiling, going through the events in my head.

"Should I call Kelley?" I ask myself out loud.

"She would probably kill me," so I cross that option out. 

My mind starts to wander.

What if she doesn't want to keep dating because of this? 

What if she can't forgive me? 

What if she never talks to me again? 

What if I ruined the one chance I had with this girl after I already fucked it up enough?

I tell myself to breathe. 

I can't keep apologizing to her if she doesn't want to hear it. And if I keep pushing, she'll only pull away more. 

I don't know how long I lay there, my mind going one hundred miles an hour, jumping from worst-case to best-case scenarios like a leapfrog.

Okay, best case scenario: she forgives me and all is well again.

Worst case scenario: she doesn't forgive me, breaks up with me, ends up hating me, and we can never be friends again.

I don't want to get myself worked up so I decided to let it go. 

I'm not sure how long I lay there, trying to force myself to stop thinking about it, but only making it worse. 

I look back over at my clock, the time saying 10:27.

I groan and throw my head back against one of my pillows. I stay like that for a minute, before picking up my phone to keep me busy. 

Before I can unplug it from the charger, I see 

_Incoming Call from Ems_

I freeze, thinking that it was an accident, that she wasn't really meaning to call me. 

But what if she did mean to call me? I don't think she'd call again, so before I can think twice, I slide my thumb across the screen and pull the phone up to my ear. 

"Em?"

The line is silent, but I hear a sniffle so I know that she's there. 

"Are you okay?" I try again, softer.

I hear her sniffle again, but am met with silence. I lay my head down on my pillow, holding the phone to my ear.

I bite my lip, knowing that she's probably crying, and my heart breaks just a little. Knowing that I have caused her to yet again, cry.

"We don't have to talk-"

"Can I come over?" her voice cracks at the very end and I answer before she can get another word out.

"Yeah, of-of course." My body sits up, looking around at the current state of my room. 

"I can't sleep." 

"I can't sleep either," I let out almost breathlessly like the words can't escape any faster, like she can't get here any faster. 

I hear something rustling on her end of the phone, and I'm assuming that she's grabbing whatever she needs, "I'll be over in ten."

She ends the call before I can respond. 

I jump out of bed and walk quietly into the living room. I find myself pacing, checking my phone every few seconds. 

I hear and see our doorknob start to turn and I take a step towards the door but freeze, holding my breath until she steps in all the way. 

Her eyes find mine as she shuts the door softly behind her, pausing before we both rush to meet each other in the middle.

Her arms wrap around me and mine wrap around her, her face finding it's place in my neck and my face finding it's place in her hair.

We stay like that for a minute, holding each other. 

When I hear her sniffle again, I know she's crying and I hold her tighter. 

"I'm so _so _sorry Em."

I can feel her shake her head against my shoulder but I don't let her speak.

"No, I shouldn't have told Tobin, it wasn't my place and I know that I broke your trust but I promise I will do whatever it takes to gain it back."

Her arms that have a vice-like grip on my torso tighten more, it's almost painful, _almost _but it grounds me, to this moment, when she's actually in my arms, where I can hold her and make this right.

When her arms loosen, I detach myself from around her and she takes a step back, using her hand to wipe the tears that are still falling down her cheeks.

My face falls, seeing the beautiful girl in front of me, the girl that I hurt and can't seem to stop. 

"Can we lay down?" the tiredness in her voice letting me know how really exhausted she is.

I nod, grabbing her hand softly and head in the direction of my room, her grip on my hand tightens. I look over my shoulder to see her staring intently at our clasped hands, almost like if she blinks my hand will disappear.

She pulls herself out of whatever trance she was in after I shut my bedroom door behind her. Putting her bag down on the floor, she turns to look at me, biting her lip, a look in her eyes. 

Before I can say anything, she closing the space between us, one hand finding it's way to my hip and the other ending up in my hair.

Her lips are on mine and its desperate, hot, and I can feel the need radiating off of her as my back is pushed up against the wall. 

"Em-"

"Not right now," she says, her mouth moving along my jaw to the spot below my ear, the spot she knows can elicit a moan from my lips.

And it does, I can already start to feel the bruise forming from the sheer weight of her lips, filling the room with sinful sounds and she tremors.

Her hand starts to make its way under my shirt, the one I still haven't changed out of since I got back. Her fingers dance across my torso, and I feel her thumb resting against the underwire of my bra.

Her hand is heavy on the back of my neck, tangling in my hair. 

I swallow, looking down at her, where her fingers trace against my ribs and take a deep breath.

"Please," she whispers, feeling my hesitation, my uneasiness.

But when I hear the desperation in her voice, I give in. 

I don't know how to make everything better, but I know that this is something I can do. 

This is something that can make her forget, make her not have to think about things for at least a little while.

So I shift my weight, my hands resting on her hips bones, and push her backward until the backs of her knees hit my bed. 

My shirt is the first to go, and then my bra. 

Her fingers are dipping into the waistline of my shorts, pulling me so I'm standing between her legs and she can yank them down. 

Soon, her clothes find their way to the floor with mine. 

Her mouth meets mine as she wraps an arm around my neck, pulling me closer with me above her, her looking up at me.

Her hands are heavy, resting against my body as she switches positions, flipping us so now with me looking up at her as her hands press my hips into the bed. 

Her mouth works at my neck as one hand begins to wander, palming at my boob. 

She's more desperate for this then she was at the beginning. Now, she wants this, for this to count as us working it out, for this to fix everything that needed to be fixed.

I know that we should talk about it, try to form sentences, but I know that we'll both enjoy this more, showing the other that they're okay, that all is forgiven.

Because, if they do this, then they don't have to talk about it.

I don't know what time it is, but I can feel the short puffs of air as she rests her head on my chest. Both of us sweaty, our skin sticking together.

Her finger tracing patterns against my skin and my hand running through her hair. 

Both of us laying there, each consumed in our own thoughts. 

I actually thought she had fallen asleep when I hear her ask in a whisper, "are you mad at me?" making my hand freeze in mid-air.

"What?" 

"I don't want you to be mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you?" I reply, softly, knowing that this is her anxiety talking.

"Because I didn't want you to tell Tobin. I shouldn't have said you couldn't tell her. I don't want you to feel bad that you told her." 

Her arm that is thrown over my torso tightens a little as I try to comprehend what she's saying.

"I'm not mad at you Em," I press my lips against her head. "You should be the one mad at me." 

"I'm not mad at you. I overreacted, I'm sorry." Her head moves to rest on my shoulder as she places a gentle kiss on my neck.

"What, no. You didn't overreact, I shouldn't have told Tobin. It wasn't my place. I broke your trust-" 

I can feel her shake her head, "I just want us to be okay."

"We are, we are baby." 

She folds herself into my side, throwing one of her legs over my own, and I can tell by the way she's settling into me, that right now she just needs to feel. 

Feel that I'm right next to her, that I'm not going anywhere, that I'm here for her to lean on.

I've noticed that when she's anxious or upset, she just needs to be held. To be still, and catch her breath. I knew very early on that I'll be her anchor, holding her so she doesn't float out to sea. Out to where she can't be brought back into shore.

"I just want us to be okay," she says, voice muffled against my skin.

"We are, I promise." I press another kiss against her head.

I know that this is her anxiety reeling its ugly head. Making her lost in whatever thoughts are swirling around in her mind. Making her question herself, me, us. 

I squeeze her tighter. 

I promise myself and her that I'm going to be here for it all. The thoughts taking control in her brain and running away, to a cliff and jumping to the worst possible scenario, making her doubt herself, making her believe that I'm leaving, that I would leave. Making her question my feelings for her. 

I know that her thoughts are taking over by the far off look in her eyes, the way her heart rate picks up, the way her hands clench, that the thoughts are getting to her. 

I bring my hand to her face, my thumb rubbing the apple of her cheek.

Her eyes blink quickly a few times and I see her come back to herself, back to my arms, back to my bed. 

I press my lips against hers, trying to pour everything I'm feeling right now into the kiss. 

It's slow and neither of us tries to take it any further. 

When she pulls away, I thought she was going to lay her head down, but she presses her forehead against mine and whispers so quietly I almost didn't hear her.

"I'm sorry I'm broken."

I freeze.

"What?" I ask, worried that I didn't hear her correctly.

"I'm sorry that I'm broken. That I can't be fixed. That I'm a mess." 

Her voice cracks and she sniffles. I turn my body to face her more, on my side as she looks up at the ceiling, tears rolling down her cheek that she doesn't try to hide. 

"You're not broken Em, not at all. Don't say that." 

I have to try really hard not to cry at the beautiful girl in front of me, clearly at war with herself, her worst critic, her number one rival, the dark cloud that always shadows her, telling her she's not good enough, not enough.

"I am, I know I am. I've accepted it-"

"Stop. Don't say that. You are not broken, okay?"

She still isn't looking at me, so sit up, the sheet falling down and revealing my unclothed body.

I grab her face with my hands, forcing her to look at me.

"You are _not broken. _I don't know why you think, or what made you think that but I will tell you every single day that you are not broken, that you are loved, and wonderful and amazing if I have to. I will remind you every single day that you are perfect the way you are and that so many people love you every day. You are not broken, Emily."

Her eyes close and a tear escaped as I use my thumb to wipe it away from under her eye.

I pull her to me, my arms acting as a cocoon, wanting to protect her from whatever is telling her that, whatever is filling her head with those horrible thoughts.

She melts against me and I feel the weight slip off of her shoulders, and holding her tighter.

If I could take all the pain and sadness from her I would, I would take it all in a heartbeat.

But I can't so I do the next best thing. 

Help her carry the load.

Her tears stop and then her breathing evens out, letting me know that she had fallen asleep.

One of my arms is holding her against me and I use the other to reach for the comforter. When I have to sit up a little, I feel her start to move.

I wince, not wanting to wake her up.

I was expecting her to unlatch from me, scooting away but instead, she curls herself in tighter to my side. 

She mumbles something that I can't hear but then she says it again, more clearly this time. "Don't leave," with a pained voice, her face frowning to the point where the 'v' between her eyebrows is prominent. 

I let out a little gasp, dropping the comforter immediately. 

I let my other hand run through her hair, ending on her back where I rub aimless patterns, not wanting to wake her up but also wanting her to know I'm here.

She face softens after a few seconds and she stops squirming, and I hope that whatever it was, has passed and she can sleep soundly now. 

I let the rhythm of her heartbeat lull me to sleep, still holding her and I drift off.

When I wake up without a weight on my chest, I reach my arm over, trying to find a smaller body, but when I can't seem to find one, I open my eyes to an empty bed. 

I sit up, searching for the blonde, at first worried she left, but when my eyes land on her phone on the nightstand, I know that she must be here somewhere. 

Slipping on a pair of Nike shorts and a big t-shirt, I step out of my room quietly.

In the kitchen, I hear two voices and pause, hidden behind the hallway.

"Just say whatever it is you want to say, Tobin," I can hear the exasperation in her voice, I can bet that her face isn't showing any emotion, that she's trying to hide whatever it is she's feeling.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I hear the brunette choke out, voice cracking at the end of the question.

I bite my lip, knowing exactly where this was going. 

"What was I supposed to say? How do you say that at all?" She sighs and I know she's running a hand through her hair, trying to keep her hands busy.

"I don't know! Maybe just mentioning 'hey I'm sad right now' or just telling me that you weren't okay."

"It's not that easy."

"Did you even try?"

"I couldn't tell you okay!"

I let my body rest against the wall and close my eyes. 

"Why couldn't you tell me?" Tobin's voice is softer and I hear a sniffle.

"Because," another sniffle that I know now came from Em, "Because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me." 

I hear a chair scrape across the tile, someone moving to the other side of the room.

"I could never, _ever _be disappointed in you Sonny."

I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a teardrop fall from my cheek and onto my shirt. 

"I didn't know how to ask for help. I still don't but I'm trying." 

It's quiet for a second, and I don't know if they're going to keep going or if this is the end, but I hear Tobin's voice again.

"You know I'm always, always here for you, right? Because I am. I don't care if it's three in the morning or at practice or anything, I'm always, _always _here for you."

Tobin starts again, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't checking in on you, that I just assumed things were fine, that you were fine. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't come to me." It's clear by her voice that she's chocked up, that she's got tears in her eyes.

"Can you ever forgive me?" I have to bite my lip to try and stop any sound from coming out of my mouth.

"I should be asking you that question," I hear Em reply softly.

"No no no. You don't, you don't apologize okay?"

I don't hear a reply but assume that she nodded her head because Tobin doesn't say anything else.

I know that I probably wasn't supposed to overhear this conversation, that this was supposed to be between just Emily and Tobin.

I decide to give them a minute so I quietly walk back to my room, making a show of opening my door so they hear it. 

My feet pad heavily onto the floor, alerting them that I'm awake, and when I step into the kitchen, Em is leaning her hip against the counter and Tobin is walking back to her chair.

"Goodmorning," I say to the both of them, walking over to the blonde first, pressing a small kiss against her cheek.

Her face turns pink and I chuckle, Tobin rolls her eyes but smiles.

I watch the older girl's eyes flit between us, raising her eyebrows. I know what she's trying to say: trying to ask if we're okay since she woke up not expecting another person to be here and yet there was.

I glance over at Em and find her shifting from foot to foot, almost with an uncomfortable look on her face.

I tilt my head, and when her eyes meet mine, I see the hesitation in them. 

"You okay?" I ask her quietly. 

She nods and takes a small step in my direction, I meet her in the middle and her arms wrap around my torso. 

Over her head I see Tobin watching us with a look in her eyes I can't decipher before quietly slipping away into the room.

I always knew Em was a touchy person, everyone knows she is and it makes sense that her love language is touch. It's the physical touch of someone else, the feeling of their body grounding her to that moment. 

It must be calming because I feel her body release the tension she was holding.

My hand rubs circles on her back and we stand there for a minute.

I don't know if she's still worried about yesterday, or if she just wants to cuddle, but I don't mind. 

Plus she gives really good hugs, so I tell her that. "I think you give the best hugs ever," I say and I feel her shake her head.

"I love your hugs the most." 

We spend the rest of the day laying on the couch, watching Grey's, my hand tangling in her hair, her head resting on my sternum as she rests on me.

We probably get through two episodes before I felt her breathing start to even out. I lost feeling in the arm she's laying on about halfway through the first episode but I don't really care.

The weight of her body against my own is heavy and I can feel my eyelids start to droop . 

I don't know how long I'm asleep but I wake up to her sliding between the back of the couch and my body and a cold nose being pressed against my neck. 

I turn my head, trying to pry myself away from the cold intrusion but she only presses herself further into my side.

I can feel her smile against my skin and I know that she's awake now too.

"What do you want," I mumble, pretending to groan.

"Food. And cuddles. And kisses. But most importantly food." 

"Food? I might be able to do something about that."

It wasn't even funny, I wasn't trying to be funny but when she laughs my heart skips a beat. 

So that is how we ended up sitting Hunny Milk, a restaurant Em found last year, right near Providence Park. 

It's quiet and small, so if anyone recognizes us, no one says anything. 

There are only a few other people in the entire restaurant so when I grab her hand over the table, she smiles at me, a small blush finding its way to her cheeks. 

When our food gets to the table, she waits expectantly for me to take a picture.

I get caught up in the way the sunlight is reflecting in her eyes, the way her freckles dance across her cheeks and nose, the way she's smiling at me.

"Linds," she says with a chuckle, catching me staring. 

I blink, focusing on the task at hand. I nod, letting her know I've got it, and she picks up her fork.

I smile, thinking that she looks exceptionally cute today, but I always think she looks cute. The picture looks innocent enough that fans will think it's just two best friends getting lunch so I go ahead and post it on my Instagram story.

The conversation flows easily, everything is easy with Em. 

She asks how my concussion checks had been, and I tell her I had been cleared for training and contact playing.

"I missed you when you were gone," I let out quietly.

I felt silly, missing her when she was only gone for less than five days, but they were a long five days. It helped being in her apartment, because when I went to bed at night I could sleep on her side, with her pillow smelling like her lavender shampoo. 

"I missed you too, more than you know," she replies softly. 

"I had a lot of visitors." 

She looks down, bashfully, knowing that she's been caught as I smirk.

"I just didn't want you to be alone...I couldn't be there for you but I could make sure other people were." She shrugs her shoulders, trying to play it off but I can tell that she really was bothered by the fact that she wasn't here. 

I had texted Tobin periodically throughout the week she was gone, asking how things were going. 

Tobin didn't lie, she told me there were some rough patches, that Em was nervous about me being home alone.

It was endearing, that I could feel her care and love all the way on the other side of the country, how she was taking care of me even though she couldn't physically take care of me.

"Well, I really appreciated it. I thought it was very sweet."

She tucks her chin, trying to hide her face.

She's never been great at accepting compliments or praise, so I smile when she blushes. 

When I see her yawn across the table not once, but two times, I suggest she takes a nap.

"I don't want to, I want to spend time with you," she pouts.

I want to spend time with her too, but I want her to sleep more.

"I know but I want you to sleep," I smile softly.

Em drops me off at my apartment after we're finished eating, putting the car in park and turning to face me.

"Are you sure?" she asks again.

I nod, smiling softly again.

"Yeah. You just take the rest of the day to decompress. We can do something after practice tomorrow, alright?"

"Really, it's alright-"

I shake my head. I know that she would never ask me for space, but her body gives it away. Her smile is forced, her eyes are tired, and she just moves slower.

The dark circles under her eyes are the biggest give away. 

Yesterday was a taxing day for both of us, but more so for her.

She has always liked her space, _needed _her space, and that shouldn't change just because we're together. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

She sighs, knowing that I'm not going to let this go, before nodding.

I lean over the console of her car, my hand finding her chin and I press my lips against hers. 

It gets a little steamy for the car and I know that if this goes any further she's not going to want to leave and I'm not going to want her to either.

"Okay," I say, against her lips, "I really have to go." 

She sighs but gives me one more quick kiss before pulling away. 

It's slow, neither of us rushing anything, not wanting to separate but knowing that will we have to eventually. 

I make it all the way back into my apartment, grabbing a water bottle out of the fridge before heading to my room.

I get a Snapchat notification and open it to see Em laying on her bed, pouting with a stick figure drawn next to her that I'm assuming is supposed to be me.

I laugh, telling her to go to sleep.

I worked for about two and a half hours before I heard from her again.

It came in the form of a call.

I smile when I see her name on my screen.

"Yes?" I ask, with a chuckle.

"Hi," she says breathlessly.

"Hi." 

"I just missed you and wanted to talk to you," though the tone of her voice, I know she's biting her lip, trying to hide her smile.

"Well, I miss you too." There's no point in pretending I don't when we both know the truth.

I hold the phone between my shoulder and my ear, walking into the kitchen, in search of some food.

"Whatcha doing?" 

I laugh, answering her question, "About to warm up some chicken alfredo. How was your nap?"

"That sounds good. I'm gonna have grilled cheese and soup, not as fancy as you."

She asks if we can Facetime, "so I can see your pretty face," and I have to take a second for my cheeks to get back to their normal color, instead of rosy pink.

I rest my phone against my water bottle, sitting at our kitchen table when I answer.

We eat our dinners together but in separate places, talking about nothing and everything.

After she finishes eating, she takes me around her apartment, packing her bag for practice tomorrow, through her nighttime routine, and then finally setting her phone against a pillow as she lays down.

When her eyelids start to droop, I ask if she wants to hang up so she can get some sleep.

She replies, "No because then I won't be sleeping with you right next to me," a little yawn at the end of her sentence.

"Okay baby," I say, not able to keep the smile off my face at her tiredness.

When soft snores make their way out of her mouth, I know that she's officially fallen asleep.

"Goodnight, Em," I say softly, kissing my fingers before placing them on my screen, like a kiss goodnight. 

My alarm wakes me up at 8:30 and I groan, reaching blindly for my phone.

Groaning, I sit up, trying to rub the sleepiness out of my eyes.

I get dressed and pack my bag, walking into the kitchen. I eat my cereal, trying to keep my eyes awake when Tobin walks into the room.

"So," she asks, opening the fridge to pull out orange juice, "do you know what you guys are going to say?"

I look up from my phone, "What?"

Tobin motions in the air with her hand, "You know, everything." 

"What?" I ask again, my eyes squinting. 

"Your relationship status with a certain defender that also plays for the Thorns," her eyes widen, trying to get her point across. 

"Oh, that."

"Yeah, that."

I look back down at my bowl, "I don't know, I didn't think we were going to say anything. No one knows."

She scoffs.

"What?" I ask defensively.

"They know," she says rolling her eyes.

"What do you mean they know?"

"Do you not remember a certain game when you got hurt and a certain someone was obviously upset about it and was obviously distraught until she could get to your side. Where both teams watched as she barely made it through the rest of the game."

My mouth drops into an 'o'. 

"Did you...did you not want people knowing?" Tobin asks, concerned.

"Um," I cough, forcing the lump down in my throat, "I didn't think anyone would notice."

"Oh," she pauses, understanding that I genuinely didn't think people would notice. "Have you talked to her about it?"

"Kind of?" I ask, the question clear in my voice.

"Well, what did she say?"

"She told me that we can go at my pace like we don't have to tell people if I don't want to. She said it's in my control. Which I kind of feel bad about?"

Tobin tilts her head, "Why do you feel bad about that?"

"Because like, she's having to hide our relationship and I don't want her to think that I'm like, embarrassed to date her."

"I think she just wants you to be able to control when you come out-"

"Yeah I get that but-"

Tobin shakes her head, "She's letting you set the pace, she wants you to be comfortable. Her coming out experience wasn't that great so she just wants to make sure yours is better than hers." She shrugs like it's nothing but I feel like I'm missing something.

"I thought she was already out?" I ask, confused.

"She is, but she doesn't want you to have a bad one like hers."

"You keep saying 'like hers' and I don't know what that means." I let out frustratedly. 

Tobin stares at me, not saying anything.

I raise my eyebrows, questioningly. 

"Do you not know what happened?" 

"Obviously I don't!"

Tobin runs her hand over her face like she's just now realizing something that she should have already known.

"She's really never told you, huh?"

I shake my head, annoyed.

She sighs, "Okay, get your stuff. I'll tell you in the car."

I find myself in Tobin's passenger seat, expectantly waiting for her to begin. 

Instead, she turns the car on but doesn't shift gears. 

"I thought she would have told you this by now, but maybe she just forgot? I don't know, but I wouldn't bring it up, let her bring it up, okay?"

I nod and watch her take a deep breath.

"So she came up to me like the first year she played with the Thorns, and she had learned that Chris and I were dating, so she asked me how to like, be in the public eye and be out because ya know she was now a professional soccer player.

So I told her, just that we decided to keep our relationship private for the public but were open with our friends like we are.

She asked how I came out and I told her, that I just sat down with my parents and told them. She was shocked that I did it so easily.

And then she got quiet and I asked her if she was out, because I wasn't 100% sure but I just figured it was easier to ask and if she asked, then she probably was, ya know?

She said yeah, that she was out, but it wasn't by choice.

And that kind of startled me because she said 'it wasn't by choice.' So I asked her what she meant, she got a little quiet and I was worried I overstepped so I said that she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to.

But she shook her head and told me.

Junior year of high school she was dating a senior who also played on the soccer team. Neither of them were out so they kept their relationship quiet. After a game or something, the entire team went to a party at someone's house and she found the girl with her tongue down some guy's throat."

I didn't realize that Tobin had started driving until I saw buildings flash behind her as I was watching her profile.

She frowns. 

I don't say anything, wanting her to continue.

"So she said something to the girl, quietly. I think she like tapped her or something, trying to get her attention but not cause a scene. And the girl," Tobin takes a deep breath, "the girl basically laughed in her face. And she remembered her exact words, so it was obviously something that had stuck with her. The girl said 'You thought I actually liked you dyke?' And Sonnett said that everyone had gone quiet and everyone was watching. And she wasn't out and this girl just told everyone at this party that she was gay."

Tobin swallows whatever her feelings were in her throat, having to take a second before continuing. It was obvious that this was hard for Tobin to talk about, to have to tell this story of the girl who hurt Em.

"It was high school, so obviously word got around and it was really hard for her after that. But luckily the girl was a senior and graduated. She said that it got easier but was still a sore subject. All her friends, people she didn't know, students in her classes, everyone knew. 

And she felt like she had no power, that the rug was pulled out from underneath her. Because it was. It took her a really long time to be comfortable being out, I mean she had to. 

Do you know how many people live in Marietta, Georgia? Not a lot. That's how her parents found out she was gay. Because people in town were talking."

Tobin puts the car in park and I look around to see the Providence Park parking lot. 

Her head falls back against the headrest. 

"I-I had no idea." I can feel my ears begin to sting from trying not to cry.

Out of anger at the girl that hurt her.

At the stupid little town of Marietta for not accepting her.

At the pain she must have felt.

At the uncertainty with accepting who she was. 

The tears begin falling.

Out of sadness she felt at the high school surrounded by people who judged her.

Out of sadness that she had to carry around this her entire life.

Out of sadness that she got something so important, like coming out, taken from her. That she had no say in it.

Out of sadness that she now is hyperaware of other people coming out, because she would never ever want anyone else to feel the way she felt. 

"Do you know the girl's name?" 

The sentence comes out clipped, the anger rolling off me in waves.

Tobin shakes her head, "No, she wouldn't say. Trust me, if I knew the girl's name..." 

"So yeah," I see Tobin turn in her seat to look at me, "she wants you to feel comfortable about this, she's not going to push you. She just wants you to feel like you _can _come out, not that you _have _to come out."

I bite my lip, wanting to scream.

Scream at the world for making this girl feel pain like no one else has felt before. 

I take a deep breath and Tobin goes back to looking out the window, lost in thought.

I'm about to say something when we both hear my phone buzz, a text message coming through.

_From Ems_

_are you ever going to get out of the car or do you just plan on practicing in there_

I look up, my eyes searching for her. Finding her leaning against her car a few spots away, a smirk on her face.

I reach to unbuckle my seat belt but Tobin's hand stops me. 

"Just talk to her about it, alright? Just so you guys have some sort of story and are on the same page." 

I nod and she moves her hand, letting my get out of the car. 

I hear Tobin open her door but I'm already headed in the direction of a smiling blue-eyed girl.

"Hey there pretty lady," she says as soon as I'm standing in front of her. 

I know my face matches hers at this moment because I can feel my cheeks hurting from how big my smile is.

She goes to take my bag from my shoulder when I come to a stop in front of her, throwing it over her other shoulder, with her bag already on one. 

"I can carry my bag you know," I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.

She shrugs, still smiling. "I know you can, but I wanted to carry it for you." 

I roll my eyes, trying not to grin at her silly southern charm but am not all that successful. 

"Ready?" she asks, standing up from where she was resting against her car.

I nod, scanning the parking lot, looking for any wandering eyes before I press my lips against hers quickly. 

It's clear I caught her off guard but she quickly recovers and her lips move against mine. 

When I pull away, she's smiling softly but was taken back by my actions.

"I just really wanted to do that," I say quietly, shy all of a sudden.

"Well, you can always do that." 

She readjusts each bag before turning to me, "Ready?"

It's unclear what she's asking me about: ready to walk into the locker room or ready to face the questions from our over-curious teammates. 

But she smiles at me and I realize that I'm ready to face either with this girl by my side. 

The locker room is buzzing as we step through the door, people milling around, getting ready for practice to start. I reach for my bag from her shoulder and she passes it to me, before heading in the direction of her locker.

The room didn't get quiet per se, but now has a different kind of buzz. This one seems more hushed, like people were waiting for something to happen.

And Em just goes about her business, totally unbothered by the eyes watching her, while my irritation only grows.

On the field, I still feel people's eyes on me, and when I turn trying to find the culprit, many heads immediately look in a different direction.

I'm passing with Caitlin who is watching me get more and more frustrated as time passes. Her foot stops the ball and she looks at me expectantly. 

"What?" I ask, annoyed.

"Dude, chill out."

"I'm fine," I huff.

"No," she shakes her head, leaving the ball where it is and walking over to me, "you're not."

I sigh and roll my eyes.

"What's up?" 

"I can literally feel people watching us," I whisper, nodding in the direction of a few people who's eyes dart away when they've been caught.

"Okay, you have three options. One, say that you are dating, two, say you aren't dating, or three, don't say anything at all." 

"But if I say we are then people will tell other people."

She shakes her head, "No they won't. Look at Tobin and Christen, no one has said anything about them, so what makes you think they'll spill about you and Sonny?"

I bite my lip nervously.

I didn't think about Tobin and Christen. No one has said anything about their relationship so why am I afraid they'll say something about ours?

"Just think about it," she shrugs and we go back to our drills.

During a water break, I'm standing in a circle with all the Aussies and Em. I can see people behind them, looking in our direction.

"Okay, that's enough," I grumble.

"What?" Ellie asks, confused.

Caitlin's eyes widen, knowing what's coming. 

Em is looking at me, a worried expression on her face. 

I push my way out of our little ring and stand in a more central spot between everyone. 

"I have an announcement to make," I say loudly. 

I hear Caitlin snicker behind me but keep going.

"Since everyone seems to be so concerned, yes Sonnett and I are dating." 

My eyes find Tobins and she nods, encouragingly.

In my peripheral vision, I see Em's head snap to look at me. 

A few pairs of eyes dance between the two of us, accompanied by some gasps and many smiles.

No one says anything for a second and I suddenly feel like maybe this was a horrible idea.

"Menges you owe me $20!"

The one person that I expected to not approve, the one person I was most worried about taking the news, our Captain is the one to yell out.

My mouth falls open and people begin to laugh.

"W-what?" I stutter.

Sinc shrugs, "I bet Menges that you would say something about it today and she said that you guys would say something later in the week."

I turn to Em, now nervous about her reaction, only to find her smiling, staring intently at me.

Many people start to talk at once, asking about how long we've been together, does everyone know, does this mean I'm coming out.

So many things that need to be answered, but I push all that away, focusing on the one person that matters most, the one person that makes me feel safe enough, loved enough, cared enough, to do the scary thing of coming out.

She shakes her head and steps forward, bumping her hip with mine and then yelling "can we play some soccer now?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii (she says hiding behind her computer)
> 
> Life has been crazy as I'm sure it has been for all of you.
> 
> Let me know what you think :)
> 
> Em’s coming out story, my heart. 
> 
> Did anyone think Lindsey would do that?
> 
> Also, I joined the bird app so if you would like to come yell at me, it's @splashtfo
> 
> Extra points if you know get the reference ;)
> 
> I promise I'm nice and would love talking to you all!
> 
> Xx


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